I am not a “purse person” and by that I mean I don’t care much about the label or designer or whether or not it matches my shoes or the season or whatever the fuck else “purse people” go by. My concern and desires center around function. I’m certainly not one to spend hundreds of dollars on a purse, because to me it just feels weird and a little disconcerting when the purse I am carrying costs more than any amount of money i may carry in it.
I have the worst time finding a purse I like. Most of the time I carry the same purse, never completely satisfied with it, but never completely hating it.
I wonder, does my ideal purse or bag even exist?
My criteria for a suitable purse or bag is simple: It must be big enough to become a black fucking hole of waste and endless cursing and searching, and yet - it must be designed in such a way that it is NOT a black fucking hole of waste and endless cursing and searching. Mainly because I don’t want to carry around a bag that is a wee bit too small and therefore looks shoved full to choking and barely closes. Like wearing a muffin top because you’re either too blind or stupid to admit that, “Hey, actually I wear a different pant size.” We know, trust me we know.
But shouldn’t it be possible to have a medium-ish sized bag that when I want to grab my keys and my sunglasses - they are easily reachable without upending the contents? Or, when I get a phone call I should be able to easily reach in and grab my phone before the call falls into the Void of Voice mail? You know what this is. Void of Voice mail is where I miss the call and stare blankly as seconds tick by while I try to drill in to the missed call log, establish if it is a number I recognize or not, try to decide if I should just call the number back, and then wait a few more seconds to see if they leave a voice mail. When the phone remains mute, toss the phone back in the purse only to have it ding that YES! They did leave a voice mail after all. At which point I rummage through to find the fucking phone, again, and GAH I hate this purse!!
I don’t carry a ton of makeup in my purse, a lipstick and maybe a tube of chapstick for when I don’t feel like being so fancy. Sometimes I throw in my matte powder because in the summer - there is a certain GLOW about my face at times during the day. Just not the good kinda glow, you know? Other than that, no other makeup to speak of. I just want a little compartment or pouch where I can throw that stuff instead of it floating around the bottom. Also so that if my some weird chance of just the right jostling a cap comes off or the powder opens it doesn’t decimate the rest of the contents, but instead is held in one single pocket that will be relegated in the future to temporary tampon storage only.
Which brings me to the next criteria. I should be able to pack a few *supplies* discreetly, and only on occasion. There’s nothing worse than a purse that functions just fine except for 4 days of the month where the whole space to item balance is blown all to fuck because of a few tampons and a couple panty liners. See my earlier reference to the muffin top of purses.
Lastly it needs to be secured so that if I am walking through a crowded area it’s not open season for someone to slip their hand in and steal my tampons, or something equally as inconvenient to have stolen, like my lipstick. Because I have to go to the MALL for that, and I really don’t like to go there unless I’m out of either that lipstick or my face soap. Preferably I would make one trip to get them together and not have to go back for another few months.
I don’t think any of this is unreasonable, and if you do - well, I haven’t shared my criteria for a WALLET yet, have I?