Subtle Glow

My makeup’s all off… who am I?

I think I have been journaling my whole life. As far back as I can remember, the call of a blank lined page and a new pen were all I needed to fuel an intense urge to write.

That an a lot of teenage angst, of course. Like a lot of teenagers, I sat in my room listening to sad or angry music and poured my heart and soul out onto those pages. Venting, bitching, whining, raging and the obligitory dark and dismal poetry. It was all in there. Back then it was always important to know that the thoughts I put down on paper were not to be read by anyone.

I went to extraordinary lengths to hide my journals. I would even take particular pages out and hide them in the back of my closet, under the carpet, in the corner behind a heavy trunk. My mom ransacked my room at one point, found my journals and read them all. Granted, she suspected I was doing drugs (which I was), we had just had a major fight (where we both dealt each other blows), and I left to find somewhere else to live (my boyfriend’s house of course).

I don’t think she so much as lifted a scrap of paper in my room after that. Strangely enough, I didn’t feel the need to hide them. I don’t think she had a clue about the depth of the anger I held in, and saved for my journals. After she found them, I think she wanted to pretend she didn’t know. But even more so, I think she accepted it as a way for me to deal with what I needed to deal with. I don’t think she knew how to deal with it. In my own way, and in my own words. I was glad someone finally knew.

As I got older, I found myself journaling anytime life seemed to spin too far out of control for me to handle. Up late, unable to sleep, stewing about whatever particular drama seemed to have cast itself over my thoughts. Pregnancy, marriage, childbirth, emotional and financial ruin, and divorce (in that order) all have their testaments in a journal of mine somewhere.

Which brings me to my question? Why blog now? Why post the link and invite others in? Plenty of reasons, I suppose. For one thing - seems like there’s quite a wave of it going on. It recently hit unscrappable and I figured why not go ahead and hop on? Ride the wave.

The other reason is that I don’t feel that intense need to hide anymore. I’ve learned enough to know I’m not the monstrous beast inside I used to think I was. In fact, most signs point to normal - even boring sometimes.

“There’s nothing new under the sun…” they say. Maybe they’re right. Then I might as well leave my mark with the rest of them.