Subtle Glow

So, I have been having a hissy fit all week due to a little work issue. I finally got it worked out this afternoon, and am much relieved as a result.

A few months ago, The Boss approved me to be set up to work at home occasionally. Fast forward to last Friday when I sent an email requesting to work from home due to childcare issues.

To which I received a reply basically stating this was not something that The Boss was comfortable with.

My first reaction was “Uhhhhh, WTF?! Why was I approved to have this set up if I’m not allowed to use it?” followed by: “Awww, crap! Now what am I gonna do?” *sigh* Life just isn’t always sweet and easy, in case you didn’t know.

I let it alone through the weekend, and then this whole week. I figured if push came to shove I would just stay home, and go unpaid for the day. Meanwhile, fighting off minor panic attacks about how many more days I will have to go unpaid for this kind of situation. Which is then followed by irritation, knowing it’s perfectly ridiculous to be at home, unpaid, when I could in fact be at home, working, and getting paid for it.

We met this afternoon and basically The Boss is worried about “setting a precedent. Hmmm, ok. “I understand what you are saying, I really do. On the other hand, in cases like this I would really appreciate any flexibility you might be willing to give. I work hard to cover all the bases, which is what I thought I was doing when I asked to be set up to work from home. It was my understanding that it would be an option for me.”

The Boss ok’d it for “this time” and then said we’ll just take it one at a time. That’s a start. The start of a lot of frigging anxiety for me if you really want to know

I could not stop laughing… regardless of how much you like Bush (hee) or how much you hate him, etc. This is too good to miss.

Check it out

It’s strange… I remember the shock and anger I had on this day three years ago.

I watched a remembrance show on HBO last night, and for the first time I really broke down and cried. It was so, so awful. And so tragically real. The past two anniversaries of this day have been so full of hype and (to me) such fake sincerity from the media… I have been completely turned off to any emotion about it.

This year was different. There didn’t seem to be as much hype and hysteria being generated in all directions. I appreciated that there was time for me to really reflect and think about what happened that day, and how I felt about it, without the inundation of media events and such.

I wish I could find my journals from that day and the following weeks. It would be interesting to re-read them. For the life of me I can’t figure out where they went.

It’s hard to believe it has been three years. So much has changed since then, and at the same time, so much has stayed the same. People are still going through life as usual. I suppose that’s good in a way. Time marches on and all that… and so do we.

I am completely obsessed with money. How much, how little, how soon, how long, etc. But not just anyone’s money. And not anyone else’s money. Just mine.

Day and night there is the constant fret of how much is there, how much I need, how much is left over, how much can I spend. Groceries, gas, lunch cards, fundraisers for school, daycare, entertainment, education – on and on and on.

I must have checked my bank balance four times today. When I’m not using a calculator I’m rounding off in my head how much is there… how much should be there, how much needs to be there, how much will come out.

Some days it is exhilarating. Some days it is depressing. Some days I just want to say fuck it all and quit worrying about it. The fucked up thing is no matter how many times I try and figure it all out, keep from going negative… it still happens. It’s the ultimate deflating event to lose sleep half the night making sure I covered everthing only to wake up the next morning and see that my bank balance has fallen below the ever impending zero dollar line. My mood seems to follow the trend of the bank balance… when it’s up - I am, when it’s down - I am, when it’s overdrawn - ah fuck!

When will it stop? I spend so much of my time trying to get to a place where I don’t have to struggle financially. The obsession drives me insane at times. Bank transfers, loans, change scraping, and all the while worry worry worry.

Not to mention what shit I feel like for being almost 30 and STILL not stable. You know it actually deters me from meeting people and planning things with friends? Because I’m constantly considering the financial impact and how I will afford it because for fucks sake I couldn’t very well let anyone in on my dirty little secret now can I??

In the old days it was easy… just charge it!! Fat lot of good that did. Then left wondering how will I pay for it, if not today then when?

Savings?? What’s that? The thin safety net I kid myself every month into thinking I’m on the track to building something worth a shit. Give it 14 – 20 days… the transfer will happen. Usually with the promise of paying it back once things level off.

They never level off.

So – this brings me to my next point of obsession. The haunting realization that none of this will ever change any time soon. This seems to be the norm and try as I might nothing is changing. It sours me on my job – I am underpaid but I don’t want to give up the other perks of the job to find one that pays more. I don’t want to find a job that pays more and have to commute the other end of the county every day. So, while I’m not stuck… it’s difficult to find the motivation when I’m only willing to look in my backyard. I’m willing to relocate but then we’re back to the non-existent savings to allow such mobility.

Bitch bitch bitch, whine whine whine. It never ever ends… This is why I say I am obsessed. In the course of a week I will go through the entire above moanings at least 50 times… and you can probably triple it in the week leading up to paying rent and the next 2 – 4 days while I wait to see when rent will clear. I’m constantly irritated that I’m sick of worrying about it and yet before I know it I’m back to worrying. Pulling hours of overtime just to get by. And I’m sick of just getting by, dammit.

I know many people go through the same thing, but I wonder do they really? I know many people worry about money, but to this extent? I swear I will be so friggin pissed if tomorrow I wake up and there’s an overdraft on my account. Somehow it shouldn’t be so difficult to balanced a damn checkbook. How can I be so deficient?

I guess we’ll see how well I did tomorrow… Bet ya can’t wait for that update!!

But first - let’s review people!!

When at an intersection governed by a signal: If there is not enough room for you to CLEAR the intersection, even if you have a green light, DO NOT move into the intersection. Doing so creates the equivalent of your giant ASS blocking the aisle at the grocery store. It may be perfectly acceptable at Food Saver, or some similar ghetto-fab-bag-your-own-groceries place, but let me repeat it is so NOT cool to do during rush hour when we’re all trying to get home and out of traffic as soon as possible.

I know what you’re thinking, “But - I’ll miss my turn at the green light.”

NEWSFLASH: If you can’t fit across the intersection you already LOST your turn.

So don’t try and squeeze in anyway because when you do, it makes it so that those of us who have a green light and CAN fit across lose our turn as well. This leads to serious irritation and increases the probability that someone else won’t want to wait THEIR turn at the next light… again blocking the intersection and screwing the rest of us. See where this is going??

So, to recap: Stay out of the intersection until it is your turn to go. But more importantly people: Stay the hell out of my way!!!!!

Thank you.

/End Public Service Announcement