Subtle Glow

I am completely obsessed with money. How much, how little, how soon, how long, etc. But not just anyone’s money. And not anyone else’s money. Just mine.

Day and night there is the constant fret of how much is there, how much I need, how much is left over, how much can I spend. Groceries, gas, lunch cards, fundraisers for school, daycare, entertainment, education – on and on and on.

I must have checked my bank balance four times today. When I’m not using a calculator I’m rounding off in my head how much is there… how much should be there, how much needs to be there, how much will come out.

Some days it is exhilarating. Some days it is depressing. Some days I just want to say fuck it all and quit worrying about it. The fucked up thing is no matter how many times I try and figure it all out, keep from going negative… it still happens. It’s the ultimate deflating event to lose sleep half the night making sure I covered everthing only to wake up the next morning and see that my bank balance has fallen below the ever impending zero dollar line. My mood seems to follow the trend of the bank balance… when it’s up - I am, when it’s down - I am, when it’s overdrawn - ah fuck!

When will it stop? I spend so much of my time trying to get to a place where I don’t have to struggle financially. The obsession drives me insane at times. Bank transfers, loans, change scraping, and all the while worry worry worry.

Not to mention what shit I feel like for being almost 30 and STILL not stable. You know it actually deters me from meeting people and planning things with friends? Because I’m constantly considering the financial impact and how I will afford it because for fucks sake I couldn’t very well let anyone in on my dirty little secret now can I??

In the old days it was easy… just charge it!! Fat lot of good that did. Then left wondering how will I pay for it, if not today then when?

Savings?? What’s that? The thin safety net I kid myself every month into thinking I’m on the track to building something worth a shit. Give it 14 – 20 days… the transfer will happen. Usually with the promise of paying it back once things level off.

They never level off.

So – this brings me to my next point of obsession. The haunting realization that none of this will ever change any time soon. This seems to be the norm and try as I might nothing is changing. It sours me on my job – I am underpaid but I don’t want to give up the other perks of the job to find one that pays more. I don’t want to find a job that pays more and have to commute the other end of the county every day. So, while I’m not stuck… it’s difficult to find the motivation when I’m only willing to look in my backyard. I’m willing to relocate but then we’re back to the non-existent savings to allow such mobility.

Bitch bitch bitch, whine whine whine. It never ever ends… This is why I say I am obsessed. In the course of a week I will go through the entire above moanings at least 50 times… and you can probably triple it in the week leading up to paying rent and the next 2 – 4 days while I wait to see when rent will clear. I’m constantly irritated that I’m sick of worrying about it and yet before I know it I’m back to worrying. Pulling hours of overtime just to get by. And I’m sick of just getting by, dammit.

I know many people go through the same thing, but I wonder do they really? I know many people worry about money, but to this extent? I swear I will be so friggin pissed if tomorrow I wake up and there’s an overdraft on my account. Somehow it shouldn’t be so difficult to balanced a damn checkbook. How can I be so deficient?

I guess we’ll see how well I did tomorrow… Bet ya can’t wait for that update!!

But first - let’s review people!!

When at an intersection governed by a signal: If there is not enough room for you to CLEAR the intersection, even if you have a green light, DO NOT move into the intersection. Doing so creates the equivalent of your giant ASS blocking the aisle at the grocery store. It may be perfectly acceptable at Food Saver, or some similar ghetto-fab-bag-your-own-groceries place, but let me repeat it is so NOT cool to do during rush hour when we’re all trying to get home and out of traffic as soon as possible.

I know what you’re thinking, “But - I’ll miss my turn at the green light.”

NEWSFLASH: If you can’t fit across the intersection you already LOST your turn.

So don’t try and squeeze in anyway because when you do, it makes it so that those of us who have a green light and CAN fit across lose our turn as well. This leads to serious irritation and increases the probability that someone else won’t want to wait THEIR turn at the next light… again blocking the intersection and screwing the rest of us. See where this is going??

So, to recap: Stay out of the intersection until it is your turn to go. But more importantly people: Stay the hell out of my way!!!!!

Thank you.

/End Public Service Announcement