I am a disaster.
A living, breathing, walking, talking disaster blah blah blah. Well, that is if you are judging based on the last 5 years of history.
Most of the time, and I do mean about 98% of the time, I really like my single status. Occasionally I wonder ‘what if’ about some things. But I know that’s normal. Normal to wonder what life would be like on the other side of the if.
I don’t date. My close friends know it, though they try to encourage me otherwise. But, for someone who hasn’t really dated much at all in the last few years, I certainly have a collection of encounters-slash-dates if you call them that.
1. The married guy - the one who swore he was separated and divorcing. Translation: he had a fight with his wife and she threw him out, or he left or whatever but either way it wasn’t a permanent thing. There was no moving out, there was no separation filed. Hell, there wasn’t even a full 24-hour period that had passed since he “separated.” I don’t know if I ever knew his name. I know he told me he couldn’t stay the night (not that he was invited) but he would be by in the morning with coffee and bagels. I got up early and stayed gone all day. No thanks.
2. Then there was Michael. We went out on one date, during which he said things like “I have the ultimate boys’ job,” whatever that means, or “you have to raise your boy to be TOUGH - make him play with trucks,” and “You’re wearing a thong aren’t you?” Then he admonished me for being rude to the waiter, when all I said was no thank you when he asked if I wanted dessert. To top it off, the was around October 2001, so he played the “I’m going to be deployed and we should have sex before I go, because you know baby - I might not make it back.”
3. Let’s see - how about the contractor who came to fix my internet connection and then made himself right at home at my kitchen table? Asking me questions like, “What kind of wine do you like? So I can be sure to bring it over next time I come to see you.” I just thought it was more than a little inappropriate on his part. So now he had my name, address, phone number AND my email address - and he was sitting in my house planning his next visit? I felt a little trapped, like I don’t really want to get to know this guy but how do I do that nicely so as to not bring out a possibly psychotic side but also to give him the hint that without a doubt: Not Interested. He left me his email address, I remember it had the word “ICE” in it. Yeah, now that was one stone cold smooth cat. heh.
4. Then, I forget this guy’s name, but I went out on two dates with him. Our first date was nice enough - he was normal and all but I just didn’t really feel any attraction to him. I figured I would go on the second date just to make sure. His first suggestion for our second date was to go to a 4th of July party. Sounds fun, right? Isn’t the first couple of dates supposed to be about getting to know each other? Could we maybe do that without the watchful eye of all your close friends and extended family? Too bad I had plans already that day.
His next idea was to go out on a boat and have a picnic. But not like a Harbor Cruise or anything (anything meaning ‘public’). This was on his uncle’s or someone’s personal boat. Maybe it was the Scott Peterson trial all over the news at the time, but I wasn’t really into going out alone on a boat with this guy. He might have been able to reassure me enough to go anyway, had he not gotten all aggressive and pushy about it when I told him I was hesitant. He basically threw a fit and argued with me about it, then would back off and turn around and start arguing it again.
5. Ok, and there was the guy I hooked up with in Boston. That was awful. Like a bulldozer trying to - hell I don’t even know what he was trying to do. I just knew he needed to leave, nevermind there was actually an extra queen-sized bed I could have offered. No. He needed to be a fading memory, and it needed to start fading about 2 hours ago. Get. Out.
6. They aren’t all horror stories. I don’t want to give out too many details but I’ll just say this:
- Went to high school together
- Hooked up at the 10-year reunion
- Great make-out action
- Too bad for me he lives way across the country
- and he was engaged
7. As if these weren’t enough, pepper in a few propositions from my ex-husband from time to time. Complete with a lip-licking, one eye-brow raised “Hey, you know you could swing by sometime, if you’re ever hard up.” Yeah - you know what? It will NEVER happen, guy. EVER. And then he wants to know Why?
I read over that and I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. Not that I don’t think there are good guys out there, but I don’t really seem to attract them. I ask myself if I want to try and change my single status. Maybe. Maybe in the have-your-cake-and-eat-it-too kind of way, so when it all falls apart I can say “No big deal, wasn’t supposed to be that invested anyway, right?”
Who am I kidding, other than myself? Seems so brave and bold on the surface but I’ll tell the truth. It’s only because I’m too chicken-shit to even try to imagine more. I don’t know if I want more, because I don’t want to imagine more only to find out that there isn’t anyone who wants to give it - or they do but not to me. I know I don’t NEED a man. That doesn’t mean I don’t still WANT one. I’ve gone without basic needs being fulfilled for so long, it seems greedy to think of anything in the want category.
Ask me what *I* want. What do I WANT? I can’t tell you, or I won’t tell you because I haven’t got it all figured out just yet. That’s an area of thought I don’t wander into all that often. It’s a disaster area.
