Subtle Glow

Let’s face it, we are now in the year 2005 - so pretty much everyone you and I know has had some kind of fucked up childhood. Anyone and everyone had a ‘dysfunctional’ family. The only difference is we all came out of it with different little “quirks” as adults. The quirks are where the interesting part lives, so I won’t bore you with a story of “blahblah why my childhood sucked yadayadawhogivesafuck” other than to set up the relavent background.

One of my particular quirks, is an almost physical revulsion with anything remotely Jesus-oriented. I refer to my father - I use the term loosely, and by loose I mean the “you’re-so-fucked-no-amount-of-cheek-clenching-will-stop-you-from-shitting-yourself” loose - as my mother’s first husband. Or sometimes in polite company by his first and last name. I’ll shorten here to BW. Part of the reason for this, is that he is in general an all around jerk-off full of his own bullshit. You know how someone who smells seems not to notice their own horrific odor that literally knocks other people down? Well, he was like that with how oblivious he was to the reality that those around him were actually living in. He lived in the world existing of and only BW. Suffice to say when someone lives in their own world, they can exact some pretty screwed up stuff on those around them, namely their kids.

Somewhere around my senior year of high school/freshman year of college I heard through various family channels that this man had “found GOD” and been “reborn.” I’m not a big religious person, I can’t really stomach much of that fluffy-bunny-world-peace-love-one-another bullshit. I live in the relative world, as much as I am amused and entertained by the fairyland and all, I can never totally buy into that. So I really wasn’t buying his salvation gimmick, either.

As if that weren’t enough… let me relate the last actual conversation I had with him:

BW: “I went to church last weekend, and they all prayed for me. I saw my leg grow three inches while they prayed.”

Me: *wretching* “Uh, WHY would you want you leg to grow three inches?”

BW: “Well, because it was shorter than the other one!”

Me: “Uh huh. You know I think that’s all a bunch of bullshit, right?”

BW: “Yeah, I think that’s sad.”

Me: “Really.”

BW: “Yes, you will never know the glory of heaven.”

Me: “Oh? And you will?” *snort*

BW: “That is Satan talking. You’ve got the devil in you girl”

Me: *rolling eyes/loud groan*

Ok, I admit, the conversation disintegrated at this point - it was perverse to me how he thought he could be so evil for so many years, to his own wife and children, as well as his second wife and HER children, and then pop into church and all was forgiven. He went on some kind of tirade - something about me burning in hell, me responding how I’ll see him there and he’ll have paved the way long before me.

Dude, even in AA you have to go back and make amends to those you wronged as a result of your “disease” (and he was in AA, too, come to think of it). Where was MY apology, motherfucker? Thought you’d just skip right by that one, didn’t you? Fucking coward.

I could go on… how about the way he locked my brother in his room, beat him repeatedly on a daily basis, and refused to let him out, even for food until my brother agreed to go to church. Yes, that’s the voice of a benevolent God talking, right? Please. What he told my mother was how my brother had been saved and was talking in tongues in church and laying his hands on people to heal them. My brother will tell you, he was just fucking tired and hungry so he said what he had to say to get out of there. Can’t blame him.

I admit my aversion to organized religion, as well as certain aspects of simple spirituality, is based on a narrow view filtered through this particular fucked up lense. I just can’t help but think the radical extremes are dominated by people who are extremists. It’s the only rational way to explain how someone can go from one extreme to another - they live in the extreme of one side or another. He was extreme - but I think he used the religion to continue and yet mask his evil-doings.

Anyway, that’s just my guess as to why I won’t be inviting the lord to be my personal savior anytime soon, and I’m not the least bit sorry about it. If that means being on the same side as BW - I’d rather roast. Then again don’t get me started on the whole “Says Who?” when it comes to the reality of heaven or hell. Seems to me I can just as easily deal with that when I’m dead.