Subtle Glow

I know you’re dying to hear what sort of embarrassing moment I might be willing to share. So I’ll go ahead. Although, did you not happen to catch my disaster post? I’d say that’s an 8 on a scale of 1 to 5 of embarrassment. PS - I hate the word embarrass. Too many consonants. I mean, what an uppity word that demands TWO Rs AND two Ss. What-ever.

I love to hear other people’s embarrassing stories. Mostly because I never believe they are going to be THAT embarrassing. Who shares the stories about themselves that still make them turn red and cringe? So it’s always fun when you get to the end of the story and you think - FUCK. I’m so glad that didn’t happen to me. Seriously, how does this person leave the house every day, knowing what happened to them and that other people who are still alive are out there and those people know it, too?

Ok, I’ll just say right now - any story about me and farting and other people present - pretty much that is what tops the list of my embarrassing stories. I can think of two (no, wait make it three) that top my list of all time embarrassments. But those are so common - hell just about everyone has had one slip at THE most inopportune moments, right? So I’m not even going to take the easy way out and share one of those. It happens, so move along.

This one involves a trampoline. One of my girlfriends in high school had a trampoline in her back yard. I think we mostly used it to sit on and pass a bong around in a circle, but occasionally we would jump on it. So, I was at her house once, with a guy I was dating at the time. I was like, Hey - let’s go on the trampoline. Check it out, want me to do a flip?

So I’m jumping, and he’s watching. I get enough bounce going to do my flip. Basically, the flip is all about velocity. If you can get your body to rotate quickly enough, you can flip yourself all the way over.

Just, you know, be careful with that velocity concept. I flipped all the way over, no problem. There was no mid-flip splat on the trampoline involving a neck brace and a ride to the nearest trauma center. Oh no.

There was, however, an extreme OVER rotation, which basically set my body at a prime angle for a complete missle launch all the way OFF the trampoline and face first into the ground. It wasn’t until I hit the trampoline that I realized there was something very wrong. I’m lucky I didn’t lose teeth, seriously. I can tell you I am positive I would have lost at least the top front four, had I landed on anything but grass. That’s just judging by the amount of fucking grass and dirt STUCK IN MY TEETH after my landing.

Uh, yeah. You should have seen it. I had actual clumps of grass and weeds wedged into my teeth. Talk about eating it. Dude. I so ate it on the landing. Literally.

So, yes, that is one of my embarassing stories. When I tell it today, my face turns bright red. Although it’s hard to tell if it’s because I’m embarrassed or because I’m laughing so damn hard picturing the whole thing.

Although, in an effort to redeem my coolness factor I should mention that I recovered from that incident (with the help of a fuckload of dental floss) and went on to sing backup in a local punk band. Ok, not so much sing, as provide the necessary growling sound they were looking for. And not so much with the band as went and hung out and got drunk at band practice with them, when I was supposed to be studying at the library. Ah, to be 15 again!