Subtle Glow

my stubborn will, is learning to bend...

Fill It In

Filed under: Sorta Daily — Lily at 6:35 pm on Friday, May 27, 2005

My friend Tina posted this for a group of us:

If I were a month, I’d be: March

If I were a day of the week I’d be: Saturday

If I were a time of day, I’d be: 11 a.m.

If I were a planet, I’d be: Saturn

If I were an animal, I’d be:  A Panther

If I were a direction, I’d be:  North

If I were a piece of furniture, I’d be: An Oversized Chair

If I were a historical figure, I’d be:  Alice Paul

If I were a liquid, I’d be:  Red Wine

If I were a tree, I’d be:  a Hazelnut tree

If I were a bird, I’d be:  a Bluejay

If I were a tool, I’d be: Needlenose pliers

If I were a flower/plant I’d be:  (heh) Pink Jasmine

If I were a kind of weather, I’d be:  Gale-force Wind

If I were a mythical creature, I’d be: a Centaur

If I were a musical instrument, I’d be: an Acoustic Guitar

If I were a color, I’d be:  Purple, or blue

If I were an emotion, I’d be:  Courage

If I were a vegetable, I’d be:  an Artichoke

If I were an element, I’d be:  Mercury

If I were a car, I’d be: Something practical and economical

If I were a song, I’d be: alternative/punk

If I were a movie, I’d be: a Dramatic Comedy

If I were a place, I’d be:  exotic

If I were a material, I’d be:  cashmere

If I were a taste, I’d be:  Savory and sweet

If I were a scent, I’d be:  Delicate, powdery, with a hint of floral

If I were a word, I’d be:  complex

If I were an object, I’d be:  smooth

If I were a body part, I’d be:  the sensitive part in the crook of your neck

If I were a subject in school, I’d be:  Literature

If I were a shape, I’d be:  Round

If I were a number, I’d be:  38

If I were an article of clothing, I’d be:  a wrap

And then there are days like this one

Filed under: Sorta Daily — Lily at 6:34 pm on Monday, May 23, 2005

What I Should Be Doing Today:
At Work:

-Working (This is a “summary” task, purposely provided without detail)


At Home:

-Dishes (needed to be done yesterday, and the day before, but somehow managed to make it to today’s to-do list anyway)
-Laundry (see note for dishes)
-Other Household Cleaning (see note for Dishes and Laundry)


What I am actually doing today:
At Work:

-So far… Working, which when compared to what I need to be doing at home seems to turning “What I’m actually doing” into “Wasting Time at Work (when there are far more things needing to be done at home.)”
-Also overhearing two men in the kitchen, one giving the other a complete dissertation on the linguistic evolution of “d’jeat” and why it is understood to mean, “Did you eat?” or “Have you eaten?” as the other nods knowingly and makes appropriate grunting noises.
-Find it amusing to consider they both could be grunting and it would at least be interesting.
-Smile fakely at the two of them, as I heat my nutritious and calorie-conscious boxed/frozen/microwaved meal claiming also to be delicious.  Think to myself that they both creep me out. 
-Flee kitchen before visible creeped-out shudder is seen by men in kitchen.
-Eat freshly microwaved meal. Find it tastes like cardboard.  Finish it anyway.  Have a mint.
-Blog.  I am on my lunch anyway.


At Home:

-Zip

What I Would Rather Be Doing Today:
At Work:

-*censored to protect job security*

At Home:

-*censored to protect illusion of sanity, but admitting it might involve some sitting, staring, and weeping, mostly having to do with the censored part of what I’d rather be doing at work thing, but also because I just feel like it.*
-Also have movie night with kiddo, because he has begun dissolving into tiny puddles of tears these days from missing his dad.
-Watch last night’s episode of ‘Alias’ because even though I find the show to have gone off on the other end of ridiculous, I still watch, and I still want to know what happened.  It was the season finale, after all.


Post Weekend Blues

Filed under: Sorta Daily — Lily at 6:32 pm on Monday, May 23, 2005

Monday so totally cramps my style. It’s very upsetting to go through a nice weekend only to be so very harshly woken by a jarring alarm at very-dark-early in the morning.

Sundays I like to relax and prepare for the whole Monday morning jarring. I do laundry, light housecleaning, and lots of riding the couch and watching unhealthy amounts of television. And not the good kind of television. The kind that offers absolutely no redeeming quality at all. Specifically - ENTERTAINMENT television. Yes, Internet, I am an E! TV watcher. Unless, ‘Meet the Barkers’ is on over at MTV - which I think now stands for ‘Mindless Television’ instead of ‘Music Television’.

My Sunday was not as relaxing as I prefer it to be, and there was not nearly as much entertainment as the ‘!’ in ‘E!’ would suggest. Not to mention, my stomach decided to have it’s own fun form of attack on the rest of my body. It does this from time to time, either due to stress or more likely due to any spicy or otherwise acidic food or drink consumption. Specifically coffe, spicy food, and alchohol. ALL of which basically make up three major food groups for me.

To top it off, my computer is grousing at me. What’s worse - I suspect it’s not actually my computer. Because for whatever reason I cannot seem to reach my blog - although I can clearly get to the admin section just fine. Just not the actual website - where you or others would be able to read all my randomness and evidence of thinking, or lack of - as in the case of E! watching and all. I like to check on it once in awhile to make sure what you’re seeing is what I want you to see and all. Super annoying - since I can get to any and all other sites - just not mine. So if you were able to get here and see this today - woohoo.

I don’t know what’s going on, but for now I’m ignoring it and hoping it goes away.

Also, for the Monday part of the entry, I have to call someone today and give them bad news, when they are actually expecting me to call and confirm what they assume will be good news. And that is just an ever-so-fun prospect on any given day, but particularly Monday.

As hot and sunny as it was this weekend, it is now overcast and chilly. Perfect for a Monday. I’m cold. And tired. Any more coffee and I fear a repeat of yesterday tummy fun.

Poor, poor me. I need a nap.

It’s another one of those days

Filed under: Sorta Daily — Lily at 6:31 pm on Friday, May 20, 2005

I realize that by rushing the week to get to the weekend, you end up reaching old age a little sooner, but on days like today - the end of the workday can’t get here soon enough.

There’s something about the weather, actually it’s more like the smell in the air, that reminds me of weekends and summertime when I was still a student.  Things were so much more simple then.  Time was insignificant, all that mattered was hot sun, warm sand, and swimming in the ocean.  Every night was a party, whether it was a keg at a ratty beachside apartment with a hundred people, or just four or five of us calmly sitting around and hanging out - playing silly drinking games like “Fuck You, Drink”, or Quarters, or taking turns doing shots of Tequila.  And not the good tequila - it was always the cheap stuff.

I like to think I made the most of my youth, when it comes to all the oat-sowing and everything.  Ha.  That makes it sound like it’s over.  My youth that is.  I still have a bit of hell-raising left in me.  Responsibility squelches it a bit, but it’s there, even if it is slowly eroding away.  Feh.

In high school, from my sophmore year on, I had a pretty tight group of friends.  We all had our own individual circles of other friends, but somehow the four or five of us managed to run together pretty consistently.  By the time we made it to senior year…  life was full of crazy fun. 

Our yearbooks were full of the etchings of memories.* Few entries even referenced the classes we attended.   The weekends were where the action was.  The summer was one long unending weekend.

*I say ‘etchings’ because honestly we spent each weekend buzzed, and that tended to cloud, if not mop out memory in some instances.

Almost everyone has those stories.  Just go to a gathering now and say the words “Boone’s Farm” “Southern Comfort” or the ghastly “Mad Dog 20/20″ and watch as everyone busts up laughing and groans at the same time. 

One of my clearer memories is when two of my girlfriends and I, each with our own bottle of $3 champagne and half a peach soaking in our glasses, hid in our friend’s closet.  We were hiding from her mom, because she was ok with letting us drink, but we wouldn’t be able to go anywhere if there was no one to drive.  And you just can’t possibly waste a good buzz by sitting around on a Saturday afternoon and not GO anywhere!!  What is the fun of being 16 and buzzed when it’s DAYLIGHT out dammit, if you can’t go anywhere and publicly show your intoxicated ignorance? 

Once we finished our champagne we oh-so-logically concluded that her mom would know we were drunk if we came out of her room, so we should climb out the WINDOW and come in the front door instead.  Because certainly entering the house through the front door promoted the illusion of sobriety much more so than just coming out of her room.

Really, it made SO much sense at the time.  We quietly munched down our champagne-soaked peaches as we came up with this brilliant plan.  What followed was the oh-so-delicate clamboring out the window that was about 3 feet high, and 5 feet up the wall.  As delicately as possible, you know, what with us being somewhat wobbly from the champagne and the window being so far up from the floor, as well as the fact that we had no chair, or step to stand on to reach the window.  And did I mention the chamapagne buzz we were also dealing with?  I know there was much giggling as we went head over heels - up and out the window.  After having used the bed, a few feet too far away from the window, to give us a boost.  It was all VERY delicate, I’m sure you could imagine.

From there it basically dissolves into drunken randomness, ending with one friend passing out, while the other friend and I flung fettucine onto her car.  Trust me - it totally made sense at the time and there is of course the story to prove it.

All three of us made reference to “the closet” for the next few years.  It always sent us into a fit of giggles.  And a strange craving for champagne and peaches.

We were crazy, irresponsible, immature, and even dangerous at times.  We all managed to live through it and we are - for the most part - functioning members of upstanding society now.  So in the end it turned out all right.

Probably because of that fact, that nothing tragic came out of it, I can look back on that time and laugh.  I don’t really keep in touch with those friends anymore - we’ve all moved on and went our separate ways in life.  But on days like today, when the sun is just so, and you can smell the ocean in the breeze, I think about those friends, and our insanity.  It makes me smile, and want to sip champagne.  And I like that.

On a message board far far away

Filed under: Sorta Daily, Pondered Thoughts — Lily at 6:30 pm on Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Someone posted this link {link removed - no longer active}, and asked for reactions…

*Edit: Unfortunately the link is no longer valid, but it was an entry discussing the merits of having a Breadwinners’ Day since so many holidays are centered around women and the requirement of men to buy gifts, card, flowers, etc.*
There were some great points made on that thread, and it was nice to see the discussion develop, even through certain points of respectful disagreement between a couple of the members.

I figured it would serve well as blog fodder, so here is part of my response. I have added, subtracted, and edited parts - mostly because I didn’t want to go on and on in the forum. Dude, I have a blog for that.

The first part threw me a little. Is she taking issue that they make disposable toilet brushes? Or is it the shiny happy stepford-esque marketing on daytime tv portraying the dutiful wife cheerfully scrubbing toilets? Doth she protest the cheer with which the woman scrubs?

And then there’s this part of her entry:

Quote:

Men are bombarded with Hallmark moments tailor-made for our erstwhile supporting roles: Mothers Day, Valentines Day, anniversaries. After working 40-60 hours a week, the poor dears are still expected to pony up with cards, flowers, candy, and jewelry.


Most women do at least 40-60 hours worth of work during any given week - whether they work inside or outside of the home. And what are they expected to “pony up” and do? Even more cooking, cleaning, childrearing - including doctor’s appointments, dental appointments, parent conferences, time off to care for sick children, etc. and so forth.

As for Mother’s Day, anniversaries, and Valentine’s day - There is also Father’s Day… I suppose it could be instead of Breadwinner’s Day. Although in my house - *I* am the breadwinner. More specifically, I am the sole source of income for the household. And just a quick sidenote here - I think the idea of Breadwinner’s Day is stupid. If you have one source of income for the household - why is the earner more celebrated and valued than the person staying home and raising the family and tending the home? Both aspects are important and deserve equal respect and appreciation. Unfortunately our capitalist society, wrought with materialism tells us that money is the measure of ultimate success. Having a Breadwinner’s Day just puts more fuel to the fires of the Caveman Syndrome (I work, therefore I rule. You woman - you serve. ungh!) Are you fucking kidding me??

Back to the topic: Last I checked men were still celebrated on their anniversaries. I might agree on Valentine’s day - although it’s easily argued as Hallmark’s “Most Successful Marketing Ploy of All Time.” hehe.

True - most marketing is geared toward having men spend money on women for these occasions. Was that a directive issued from feminists? No. It’s marketing, actually, and it’s based on age-old conceptions and historical connotations of what “proper” roles for each gender are “supposed” to be. Which, I believe is what feminists are decidedly AGAINST - roles based on gender and not ability.

The “pamper yourself” marketing stems from the reality that I mentioned earlier - yes woman have more access and mobility with regard to choices in family, career, etc but there is still a large proportion that is expected to maintain the stereotypical roles, simply because they are women/wives/mothers. Finding the balance is difficult, and there is a lot of pressure on women to be able to “do it all” and that is stressful. As a single parent, I would know. I missed where taking time for yourself is supposed to be a problem. Because no one markets this to men? It works the same for men actually, they are pressured to maintain their acceptable roles as well - I don’t want to leave them out of this, either. Which means they are pressured not to be like women - the lesser sex apparantly.

I don’t think that feminists devalue a woman staying at home, but rather try to kick the notion that the society and culture that pressures gender-based roles as “the norm” by which we must judge all other choices. They reject the idea that choosing to do otherwise makes you LESS of a woman, and therefore less of a valuable PERSON.

I don’t want to be treated as if I were a man - that’s not the sort of equality I’m looking for. I just don’t want to be treated as less of a PERSON, because I’m not a man. And yet I’m loathe to describe myself as a feminist - because there are the extremists who do just male-bash, and try to paint everything having to do with men as oppressive and evil. I just don’t subscribe to the extremes. But I do try to recognize there’s more to it that the extremes, in fact the more meaty part of this issue is very subtly hidden in the in-between.

Often, the standard of what’s normal/reasonable is cloaked as that of a normal/reasonable person, and yet it’s application is that of a normal/reasonable MAN.

We may never settle on any of this in any of our lifetimes, but it’s interesting stuff to consider.

Anyone need more coffee this morning??

Better Safe than Sorry.

Filed under: Sorta Daily — Lily at 6:28 pm on Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Link to Article

Or just read:


Court Rules Woman Not Liable in Sex Suit
By Michael Kunzelman
Associated Press Writer

Published: May 17, 2005 6:21 PM EST

BOSTON (AP) - A woman isn’t legally responsible for injuries her boyfriend suffered while they were having consensual sex more than a decade ago, a state appeals court ruled Monday.

The man, identified only as John Doe in court papers, filed suit against the woman in 1997, claiming she was negligent when she suddenly changed positions, landed awkwardly on him and fractured his penis.

The man underwent emergency surgery in September 1994, “endured a painful and lengthy recovery” and has suffered from sexual dysfunction that hasn’t responded to medication or counseling, the appeals court said.

Although the woman may have exposed her boyfriend to “some risk of harm,” the three-judge panel said her conduct during the sexual encounter wasn’t “wanton or reckless” and can’t support a lawsuit.

The man’s lawsuit already has been thrown out by judges in Salem District Court and Essex Superior Court.

The appeals court upheld those rulings while noting that its ruling doesn’t apply to cases where someone has negligently infected a partner with a sexually transmitted disease.

“There are no comprehensive legal rules to regulate consensual sexual behavior,” Justice Joseph Trainor wrote. “In the absence of a consensus of community values or customs defining normal consensual conduct, a jury or judge cannot be expected to resolve a claim that certain consensual sexual conduct is undertaken without reasonable care.”

The man’s attorney, John Greenwood, said he is likely to appeal Monday’s ruling to the state’s highest court.

“It’s a case that hasn’t been seen before in Massachusetts,” he said.

Greenwood argued that consensual sex doesn’t mean “anything goes. … The fact that some behavior was agreed to by the parties doesn’t mean all behavior was agreed to by the parties.”

The woman’s attorney didn’t immediately return a telephone call Monday.

©2005 The Associated Press


See, I always kinda wondered if you could actually break it.  I guess you really can.

Another Thought

Filed under: Sorta Daily, Pondered Thoughts, random — Lily at 6:27 pm on Wednesday, May 11, 2005

My doctor’s office has a 15-minute window to hold your appointment.  If you aren’t there and checked in 15 minutes after your scheduled appointment time, they force you to cancel and reschedule.

Just thinking:  If I only have a 15 minute window to get to them, shouldn’t the same rule apply to them in regard to my time?  Why should I arrive 5 - 10 minutes early, only to still be waiting 30 minutes after my scheduled appointment time?

I’m generally on time - often I’m even a few minutes early.  Shouldn’t I get something if they run late?

Except I don’t really know what should happen if they miss the 15-minute window.  I mean, THEY would force ME to reschedule.  It’s not like I can ask for my 15 minutes back.  My son’s pediatrician hands out stickers at the end of each visit.  Hey, I like stickers, too you know.

It all comes back to this:  People are assholes.  Most of the time the office is running behind because of all the patients who came in before me and were running late.  I think those patients should be forced to do some filing or copying or something to help out the girls in the office stay on time the rest of the day.  NO, I know - how about they can just explain why everyone else waiting to be seen has to wait even longer.  “Hi, just wanted to let you know they are running about 20 minutes behind today.  It’s my fault, I’m an asshole and didn’t give enough of a shit about my actual scheduled appointment time.  I breezed in here and demanded they drop everything to serve my needs.  Just so you know.”

Then they would get a sticker before they left.  Their sticker would say “I’m an asshole.”

Quickie

Filed under: Sorta Daily — Lily at 6:27 pm on Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Do you ever get annoyed when you are walking to your car and you see some lazy-ass who is haunting your spot so they can take it as soon as you leave?

I usually don’t care, but I’m particularly cranky these days and it just bugged me to feel like I have to rush to get out of the space, when I could see several spaces available in the very next row over.

After I left I drove down the road a few miles and realized something that made me laugh. 

How many times do you get a little annoyed at being rushed out of your parking spot, only to get in your car and hurry down the road?  It’s like once we get behind the wheel everyone ELSE needs to hurry.  But how dare you try to rush me while I’m ON FOOT FOR CRIPE’S SAKE! 

hee hee.  People are such assholes.

Untitled.

Filed under: Sorta Daily — Lily at 6:25 pm on Monday, May 9, 2005

I don’t know how many times I’ve sat down and tried to write this post. Somehow, I can’t seem to get the words out in the right way.  I guess that’s due to the self-editing, worrying about too much, or too little, or both.

Yesterday was Mother’s Day.

I don’t know if my mom reads my blog.  If she does, she hasn’t said.  But that’s probably due to the fact that for reasons I’m not entirely sure of, we haven’t spoken much lately.  At first I didn’t think much of it.  There are often periods of time where we just don’t seem to connect.  Our family is not what you’d call close-knit.  It’s as if all the raising children and growing up we all did was too traumatic.  Once my brother and I reached adulthood, we all did our best to shake off the past, pick up the remnants of stability and moved on with them.  Maybe we were just glad to have made it through the ordeal in one relative piece.

For some reason, I was always waiting to reach that point where she didn’t have to hold me at arms length anymore - not because she didn’t love me but she wanted the distance to give her room for the parental perspective she needed.  She told me often growing up, “I’m not your friend, I’m your mom.”  Hearing that at 16 or 17, I could understand what she meant.  That was not the time to morph into a girlfriend. 

I’m 30 now, and even further away than arms length - emotionally speaking.  I can’t help but wonder why. Isn’t there a little more room for ‘friends’ between us now, since there isn’t the need for so much room for ‘mom and daughter’?

I explain our lapses in contact with a wave of the hand.  “Oh, it means nothing, that’s just how we are in our family.” 

I’m sure it’s because she’s busy.  Or dealing with something.  Maybe there’s tension with her husband.  Or she’s in one of her depressed periods, where she doesn’t want to leave the house, or call anyone.

I’m not sure who, other than myself, I’m convincing.  She barely knows her grandson.

At first it’s easy to dismiss.  After awhile the annoying part of me comes out - when the insecure and abandoned little girl pipes in and spews all kinds of poison thoughts. “What did you do?  You must have said something.  You are so demanding.  When are you going to just give it a rest?” (Sometimes little girls are so, well, bitchy!)

But since we’re not all that close, I can’t just call her and ask her.  To do that would make the insecurity obvious, give it merit, allow it to win the emotional war. 

So for now, I’ll wait.  Maybe this time I won’t try to squeeze one more ‘been here done this so many fucking times’ t-shirt into my overstuffed case of emotional baggage.

I got an email the other day

Filed under: Sorta Daily, former employer — Lily at 6:24 pm on Tuesday, May 3, 2005

It was an invite to attend a special 401k meeting.  There would be representatives and plan administrators there to “help answer any questions” I might have with regard to my 401k contribution.

I’m going to go ahead and assume this is a “voluntary” meeting.  And I’m going to go ahead and voluntarily decline to go.

Here’s the thing.

I worked in payroll for over two years.  I was there when they switched from one plan administrator to the current one.  Before that switch, you (the employee) didn’t have a choice of where your investments were kept with regard to the 401k savings.  The Executives decided and they put the money where they felt it would give the most return with a moderate to lesser risk factor.

I was there when they changed the way the matching funds were handled.  You used to get a flat percentage regardless of your contribution percent.  So if you were participating at all, you got the full % of matching funds.  They do it a little differently now, and I would explain it but really I’m sure you can guess how it works - and it’s not the point anyway.

I’m well-versed in how the plan works.  I can even help explain to you when and how much you are entitled to with regard to current or prior year match, vesting, and what threshholds will either automatically disburse, roll into an IRA, or maintain plan balances upon your exit from the company.  I don’t need some asshole there to “answer my questions.”

Whoa!  You may be wondering:  ‘What’s with all the hostility?’  I’ll tell you.

What it comes down to is this:  My company is not happy with my contribution percentage to their 401k plan.  They want me to increase it.  They seem to think that if I just understood what a benefit it was to get all that matching money, and if I just took a little time to educate myself on the benefits of compounded contributions over time - well then I would realize how silly I am for not contributing more!

#1.  Don’t insult my intelligence.  I fucking get it, ok?  In fact I think I told you that last year when you sent out that survey asking me questions like: “Do you know what ‘Matching Employer Contributions’ means?”  I believe my exact response to your survey was this:  “It’s MY money and if I don’t want to invest it right now, leave me the fuck alone about it, that’s MY business.”  Ok, I might have left out the word ‘fuck’ but other than that it’s verbatim.  And don’t think I didn’t edit that out on the form, either.  Also - don’t think I didn’t know your survey, while paraded as anonymous, really wasn’t.

#2.  I actually have a question for you:  When you refer to the Employer Match as “Free Money” do you mean I don’t have to do anything in order to receive it?  Because that is what “Free” implies.  OH??  What’s that you say?  Oh, I see - I have to invest my dollars and then you’ll match those dollars, for free.  Right.  Does it register with you that maybe, I don’t know, just maybe I need the dollars to actually hit my bank account instead?  I need that money in my bank so I can do such frivolous things like:

-Provide for a family on a single income
-Buy groceries
-Keep the lights on
-Heat/Cool the house
-Buy gas at the astronomical prices these days, allowing me to then drive to work and earn another paycheck that I can then use to turn around and do all the above all over again

I know it sounds crazy… but believe it or not that is my life.

#3.  Let me just say it again in case you didn’t get it the first time:  It’s MY money that I have already earned, and therefore it’s MY business what I do with it.  If you want to go ahead and pay my bills and keep me sheltered and my child fed and clothed and the rest of it - you know what?  You would be more than welcome to siphon off as much as you thought was necessary for my retirement savings.  Until then - keep your nose out of my personal financial affairs.  It’s NOT. YOUR. CONCERN.

#4.  Look.  I just turned 30.  I have at LEAST another 40 years before I can think about retiring.  Just long enough for fucksticks like GWB to come along and REALLY screw social security all to hell.  I already know the responsibility for my retirement will rely on ME.  Did I mention I have 40 YEARS to save? 

So yes, I’m offended that the approach is that I am ignorant, and need an education on retirement savings.  Because that’s obviously the only reason someone would pass up a deal like this!  Right?!  Ok, so here’s where I would normally sum up with a smile and a “Thanks but No Thanks for your concern.”

Except, not so much on the Thanks.  I think I’ve said what I had to say, other than to say this:  Don’t call me - I’ll call you, if and when I decide I need to speak with you.