Subtle Glow

I’m going to go ahead and assume this is a “voluntary” meeting.  And I’m going to go ahead and voluntarily decline to go.

Here’s the thing.

I worked in payroll for over two years.  I was there when they switched from one plan administrator to the current one.  Before that switch, you (the employee) didn’t have a choice of where your investments were kept with regard to the 401k savings.  The Executives decided and they put the money where they felt it would give the most return with a moderate to lesser risk factor.

I was there when they changed the way the matching funds were handled.  You used to get a flat percentage regardless of your contribution percent.  So if you were participating at all, you got the full % of matching funds.  They do it a little differently now, and I would explain it but really I’m sure you can guess how it works - and it’s not the point anyway.

I’m well-versed in how the plan works.  I can even help explain to you when and how much you are entitled to with regard to current or prior year match, vesting, and what threshholds will either automatically disburse, roll into an IRA, or maintain plan balances upon your exit from the company.  I don’t need some asshole there to “answer my questions.”

Whoa!  You may be wondering:  ‘What’s with all the hostility?’  I’ll tell you.

What it comes down to is this:  My company is not happy with my contribution percentage to their 401k plan.  They want me to increase it.  They seem to think that if I just understood what a benefit it was to get all that matching money, and if I just took a little time to educate myself on the benefits of compounded contributions over time - well then I would realize how silly I am for not contributing more!

#1.  Don’t insult my intelligence.  I fucking get it, ok?  In fact I think I told you that last year when you sent out that survey asking me questions like: “Do you know what ‘Matching Employer Contributions’ means?”  I believe my exact response to your survey was this:  “It’s MY money and if I don’t want to invest it right now, leave me the fuck alone about it, that’s MY business.”  Ok, I might have left out the word ‘fuck’ but other than that it’s verbatim.  And don’t think I didn’t edit that out on the form, either.  Also - don’t think I didn’t know your survey, while paraded as anonymous, really wasn’t.

#2.  I actually have a question for you:  When you refer to the Employer Match as “Free Money” do you mean I don’t have to do anything in order to receive it?  Because that is what “Free” implies.  OH??  What’s that you say?  Oh, I see - I have to invest my dollars and then you’ll match those dollars, for free.  Right.  Does it register with you that maybe, I don’t know, just maybe I need the dollars to actually hit my bank account instead?  I need that money in my bank so I can do such frivolous things like:

-Provide for a family on a single income
-Buy groceries
-Keep the lights on
-Heat/Cool the house
-Buy gas at the astronomical prices these days, allowing me to then drive to work and earn another paycheck that I can then use to turn around and do all the above all over again

I know it sounds crazy… but believe it or not that is my life.

#3.  Let me just say it again in case you didn’t get it the first time:  It’s MY money that I have already earned, and therefore it’s MY business what I do with it.  If you want to go ahead and pay my bills and keep me sheltered and my child fed and clothed and the rest of it - you know what?  You would be more than welcome to siphon off as much as you thought was necessary for my retirement savings.  Until then - keep your nose out of my personal financial affairs.  It’s NOT. YOUR. CONCERN.

#4.  Look.  I just turned 30.  I have at LEAST another 40 years before I can think about retiring.  Just long enough for fucksticks like GWB to come along and REALLY screw social security all to hell.  I already know the responsibility for my retirement will rely on ME.  Did I mention I have 40 YEARS to save? 

So yes, I’m offended that the approach is that I am ignorant, and need an education on retirement savings.  Because that’s obviously the only reason someone would pass up a deal like this!  Right?!  Ok, so here’s where I would normally sum up with a smile and a “Thanks but No Thanks for your concern.”

Except, not so much on the Thanks.  I think I’ve said what I had to say, other than to say this:  Don’t call me - I’ll call you, if and when I decide I need to speak with you.