Subtle Glow

Yesterday was Mother’s Day.

I don’t know if my mom reads my blog.  If she does, she hasn’t said.  But that’s probably due to the fact that for reasons I’m not entirely sure of, we haven’t spoken much lately.  At first I didn’t think much of it.  There are often periods of time where we just don’t seem to connect.  Our family is not what you’d call close-knit.  It’s as if all the raising children and growing up we all did was too traumatic.  Once my brother and I reached adulthood, we all did our best to shake off the past, pick up the remnants of stability and moved on with them.  Maybe we were just glad to have made it through the ordeal in one relative piece.

For some reason, I was always waiting to reach that point where she didn’t have to hold me at arms length anymore - not because she didn’t love me but she wanted the distance to give her room for the parental perspective she needed.  She told me often growing up, “I’m not your friend, I’m your mom.”  Hearing that at 16 or 17, I could understand what she meant.  That was not the time to morph into a girlfriend. 

I’m 30 now, and even further away than arms length - emotionally speaking.  I can’t help but wonder why. Isn’t there a little more room for ‘friends’ between us now, since there isn’t the need for so much room for ‘mom and daughter’?

I explain our lapses in contact with a wave of the hand.  “Oh, it means nothing, that’s just how we are in our family.” 

I’m sure it’s because she’s busy.  Or dealing with something.  Maybe there’s tension with her husband.  Or she’s in one of her depressed periods, where she doesn’t want to leave the house, or call anyone.

I’m not sure who, other than myself, I’m convincing.  She barely knows her grandson.

At first it’s easy to dismiss.  After awhile the annoying part of me comes out - when the insecure and abandoned little girl pipes in and spews all kinds of poison thoughts. “What did you do?  You must have said something.  You are so demanding.  When are you going to just give it a rest?” (Sometimes little girls are so, well, bitchy!)

But since we’re not all that close, I can’t just call her and ask her.  To do that would make the insecurity obvious, give it merit, allow it to win the emotional war.