Holding back the flood: An exercise in futility.
I am a single parent of increasingly challenged social skills thereby cementing my status of ‘forever single’ but very much okay with it. Also, the kiddo spends time with his father on a pretty consistent basis - at least once a week - which gives us a break from each other. Sometimes we really need that break. For the most part we do ok, we manage to get through most days with a minimum of meltdowns.
Until recently.
You see, his father recenlty had surgery and has not been allowed to drive for the last few weeks. This means the kiddo can only go stay with him if I can pick him up and drop him off. With work and school schedules, it has cut out the ‘at least once a week’ frequency to strictly every other weekend.
Sleep, I have realized, is one of the keys to maintaining sanity. Mess with it, and shit goes awry.
Last night we had a few little circus acts going on about an hour after the kiddo went to bed. And then again around midnight. And then AGAIN around 2am, at which point I COMPLETELY LOST IT as a result of being woken twice in one night.
I was woken the second time by a noise that I can only describe as so fucking annoying I am instantly hitting ballistic mode when I hear it DURING THE DAY. You know, when I’m already awake and have all my common sense and wits about me. The Noise - I can only describe as a kind of frustrated whining sound, complete with high pitch and annoyance beyond measure: “uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugggggggggghhhhh.”
I hear it once and ignore it. Try to drift back to sleep. I hear it again. Annoyance - Level 1: triggered. Begin Anger Sequence.
Then I realized the kiddo did NOT go back to his bed at midnight when I told him he wasn’t going to sleep in my bed. I can hear him grinding his teeth in his sleep. And then another whine.
“WHAT. ARE. YOU. DOING OUT THERE?”
“NOTHIIIING!”
Anger quickly spikes to Level 3. Also known as ‘Why the hell am I up at 2am?’
“Why are you in the living room and why have you woken me up not ONCE, but TWICE tonight - especially when I have to get up and go to work tomorrow?”
“I don’t knoooooow.”
Thinking: If I hear one more word in that whiny voice I am going to lose it.
“No, Kiddo - I need to know. WHY. I want an answer.”
“I don’t KNOW!!”
Anger Sequence: Complete. Status: Ballistic.
“WRONG. It’s 2am, you have been up three times since you went to bed tonight. Twice you have woken me up. Now, I am awake. And I WANT. TO. KNOW. WHY.”
You get the gist. This went back and forth for about 5 minutes. The final answer I got was that his shirt was bothering him. I marched him back to his room and told him to go to the bathroom before I put him back to bed.
I hear THAT NOISE again while he’s in the bathroom. WTF!?
He comes back to his room and is wet all down the front of his pants. Now, I was the one wanting to make that whiny noise.
I had had enough.
“Do you see what time it is on that clock? 2:30 IN THE MORNING. Do you have any idea how ‘middle of the night’ that is?? VERY. I have to get up for work tomorrow. I am going back to bed now, to try to get some sleep. DO NOT wake me up again tonight. Otherwise, things will get VERY ugly and VERY scary, more than they are already. I don’t think either one of us wants to see that. Understood?”
Thankfully, the rest of the night (morning?) went without incident.
It’s good that he will go to his dad’s house this weekend. I know we could both use the break from each other.
Today is the last day of first grade for him. He starts at a new daycare on Monday, which will eventually lead to starting at a new school for second grade. He misses his dad and is starting to fear he won’t ever see him again. He asked me the other day, with big crocodile tears in his eyes, if his dad was moving away. To my knowledge he isn’t, but I know the stress of not seeing him as much as usual is wearing on both of us.
I used to feel guilty that I looked forward to the time he spent with his dad. But over time I have realized that there’s no shame in it - in fact it is healthy. We need time apart, and needs to spend time with his dad. It’s a win-win for us.
By the time I pick him up on Sunday, I know I will be looking forward to seeing him. Still, I know we’re both looking forward to getting that schedule back on track.
