Subtle Glow

my stubborn will, is learning to bend...

Sort of like Day 1, I guess

Filed under: Sorta Daily — Lily at 9:18 pm on Monday, July 25, 2005

Today is my first official “workday” that doesn’t involve work for me.  I am “between jobs” and it’s an odd feeling.

True enough, I’ve taken “mental health” days before, some might call it calling in sick when you’re not.  But even then I knew what the next day and the next would hold.

Today, not so much.

I had a dream the other night that I was vomiting.  It was  forceful as it left my body in a long continuous gush, and oddly it was clear and cold, too.  Like water actually.  “But what about the rug?” was my thought at the time. 

I woke up not sure if I had really been sick or not.  I spent the next few hours listening to the thunderstorm that is so rare for us here in San Diego.  Every flicker of lightning, and boom of thunder made me smile in my half-sleeping state.

I was curious about the dream, so I looked it up:


Vomiting
 To dream that you are vomiting, indicates that you need to reject or discard an aspect of your life that is revolting. There are some emotions or concepts that you need to confront and then let go.

Someone described my leaving as, “The end of an era.”  Perhaps for me, it will be.  I need to let it go.  It’s over, it’s done.  I’ve ended it.  Discarded. Expelled.  Et cetera.  The last word was mine.

I am now enjoying my time between jobs, as short as it will be.  I have the feeling it is the calm before a storm. 

I like the storms, they comfort me.

SO. ANNOYED.

Filed under: Sorta Daily — Lily at 9:18 pm on Wednesday, July 20, 2005

I consider myself a very responsible adult. There are certain choices I make as a responsible adult, and certain precautions I take in order to follow through on my choices. Choices I made, because of a particularly desired (or undesired) result.

Right now, I am annoyed to no end that there is a particular system in place, a set of rules, a series of obstacles and such that almost seem to work against me and my free will to exercise my choices to their desired ends.

Let’s talk about birth control. And insurance coverage. And being a woman. Shall we??

First let’s review a short time line of events:

February 2005 -
Contacted primary care doctor to get referral to OB/GYN for tubal ligation.

March 2005 - Attend appointment to get “referral” which turned out to be a fucking phone number. Why did I have to take time out of my workday and pay a copay so she could give me a fucking phone number?! Call number and schedule for May 2005 for “consultation.” By the way - May was the first available appointment.

May 2005 - Meet with the doctor for the consultation. His questions asked and answered. My questions asked and answered. Reviewed procedure. I was put on the list and told I would be contacted when there was availability in his surgery schedule. Hear nothing from them for more than 10 weeks.

July 2005 - Yippee! I got a new job. Which means insurance will be expiring at the end of the month. Find out from pharmacy that cash price of current birth control pills will be a fabulous $50/month. Call doctor to find out if there’s ANY way to schedule surgery before the end of the month (there isn’t). Ask about getting IUD before insurance expires so at least I don’t have to keep paying $50 a month until new insurance kicks in and I can go through the whole referral/consult/wait-wait-wait process AGAIN. Find out woohoo! They have an opening to do that! In August. Which is - if you do the quick math… AFTER my fucking insurance expires. There is no one and no way anyone can do it sooner. Of course!

Fuck. Let me tantrum a bit now.

So. Basically here are my options:

1. Pay $50 a month for birth control pills.
-Advantage: still on birth control! Decidedly much higher chance of protection against pregnancy than if I’m not.
-Disadvantages: definite failure rate if you forget to take them, and as evidence by my almost 7-year-old, sometimes I do. Having to shell out $50 a month - while obviously much less than alternatives - well, I don’t like it but I’ll damn sure do it.

2. Opt for Cobra coverage and get the IUD in August.
-Advantage: No monthly cost. One copay and it’s done. Very effective form of birth control. No more artificial hormones involved/required.
-Disadvantage: Cost of Cobra unknown, although I know it is at the very least EX.PEN.SIVE.

3. Pay cash for IUD.
-Advantage: same as #2
-Disadvantage: Cost - $460.00 Possibly less than Cobra for a month, possibly more but I’m not sure. Either way - expensive. Just a mention: the cost for an abortion is LESS. How totally fucked up and wrong is THAT?!

The worst case scenarios in all of this are:
A) Get pregnant, have another child.
B) Get pregnant, NOT have another child.
C) Stop having sex.

Can I get a big “WTF? NO, and Fuck NO!” to A, B, and C above?

The whole idea was to avoid A or B, and why should I have to resort to option C? Like I said - I am a responsible adult. As an adult, self-sufficient, and independent woman I should have a few more options other than facing unwanted pregnancy or just not having sex.

I’m so fucking annoyed. This is utterly fucking stupid. It is indicative of the breeder society influence when the options for promoting conception - wanted or not - are more readily available than the methods for preventing conception.

**Update***

YES - I know I know I can still use condoms. SHADDUP, this is my rant, ok?!

The Exit Interview

Filed under: Sorta Daily, former employer — Lily at 9:16 pm on Tuesday, July 19, 2005

I got an email yesterday from the HR rep wanting to schedule my exit interview on Friday (my last day).  She attached a questionnaire to the tune of about 6 pages or so.  Then she asks if we could schedule the interview for 4 o’clock.

*blink*  *blink*

Uhm, how about No?  It’s kind of the corporate culture here that next to NO meetings are scheduled on Fridays, much less anytime after lunch. 

So I responded back and told her to try for around 11, and that my workday currently ends at 4.  Not to mention (which I think I have already) that this is my LAST DAY.

She requested the meeting be set at 2.

I ignored it for the rest of the afternoon, while I spent the rest of the day correcting the page setup on their stupid questionnaire.  I know I can be anal about that stuff, but seriously?  They put this form out there - I mean is that their official form? 

Just a peek:


                   OUTPROCESSING SURVEY

 

 

I.  Stated Reason for Resignation

                                                                                               Disliked:

 

           Health Reasons                                                       Hours

           Personal Reasons                                Supervisor

           Returning to School                                       Type of Work

           Secured Better Position                              Wages

           Going Into Business For Self                         Working Conditions

           Relocation                                                Promotion

                                                     Opportunities

 

New Employer                                                   

 

                                                                 

 

Location                                                       

 

                                                               

 

Nature of new work                                                  

 

                                                               

 

 

II.  Selection

 

What attracted you to [us]?                                               

 

                                                               

 

 

What kind of work have you been doing for [us]?                

 

                                                               

 

 


See what I mean?  Yes - it really looks like that, with the colums and line breaks all fucked up like that.  And it goes on from there, like I said, for another 5 pages. 

Anyway, I spent the afternoon reformatting it so I could read the fucking thing, and then I filled out my first draft of it.  You know, the one where it’s all snarky and bitchy and fuck offy. 

For example -
Q: How do you feel about your supervisor?
A:  Indifferent.

Q: Did he or she value your opinion on work-related issues?
A: Only if it matched her own.

I shredded that copy, once it was out of my system.  I’ll still be honest, but it’s never a bad idea to flavor it with a little tact and diplomacy.  One thing my mom always taught me:  DON’T burn your bridges.  You just never know what might happen, or where you might find yourself looking for a favor.

I did it!!

Filed under: Sorta Daily — Lily at 9:15 pm on Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Ok, so my news…  I have looking and looking and looking for a new job.  And I found one!  And they liked me and I GOT THE JOB!

Without all the gory details (although what’s a story like this without the gory details?) I’ll just say that I knew long ago my current employer would never EVER deem it necessary to compensate me for what I’m doing here.  I was way, WAY underpaid.  I knew it, they knew it, and we both knew the other knew as well.

So, here I am, with less then two weeks to go here.  All the long months of waiting and waiting and hoping and being all pissy about when someone would finally fish my resume out of the pool of applicants and decide that This One!  Is Worthy!  and call me for an interview.

My friends.  Oh, my wonderful, patient and supportive friends.  They listened, and oh how they listened.  The things they heard, everything from whining to impatience to frustration and tears right on into anger and f-bombs.  All the while, they supported, they hugged, the assured me:  It Will Happen.

They were SO right.

I plan to get back here on a more regular basis soon - I have just been a little sidetracked and all “Ooooh: TypePad blogging and Domain Mapping blahdy blah blah!!”  Yes, I am thinking of moving - AGAIN.  In case you haven’t noticed I don’t like to sit still for long.  But maybe this will be the LAST time (uh-huh, yeahhh, right!).

It’s Over

Filed under: Sorta Daily — Lily at 9:14 pm on Sunday, July 10, 2005

My vacation, that is.

It was a great week. I have plenty of pictures to share, I just have to decide how to share them…

Hopefully I will have good news and lots to talk about, although I can’t say just what, just yet.

*muah*

Here we are

Filed under: Sorta Daily — Lily at 9:14 pm on Thursday, July 7, 2005

This was just before we left for the museums.

What you didn’t see is the picture of the passed out kiddo after we hit the museums.

Also, we might be nerds but that Science Museum rocked our faces off!!!

Few and Far between

Filed under: Sorta Daily — Lily at 9:12 pm on Tuesday, July 5, 2005

I’m on vacation this week. ALL week. Except it’s almost half over already. ACK!!

Although I do have to say that I am certainly not sitting around and frittering away the time off. We have had an action-packed weekend.

In the meantime, I will be running all over San Diego county in an attempt to find fun and entertainment for the kiddo. Today we hit Boomers. Tomorrow we’re hitting museums in Balboa Park. Thursday - Birch Aquarium. Friday (Goddess help me) we’re going to try our luck at ice skating. Don’t forget the free bowling the kiddo has a pass for - one free game per day, and the new gym membership to take advantage of in case we get bored.

My evenings consist of wine, wine, movies with the kiddo, and more wine. Dinner optional. heh.

I’m loving this. Pictures will be coming soon.

A New Day

Filed under: Sorta Daily — Lily at 6:45 pm on Saturday, July 2, 2005

Well, for all of the moaning and groaning and fuck fuckety fucking of yesterday’s entry, I’m slightly hopeful that today begins a week of good days, although I’ll settle for just a good day today. 

Yes, welcome to your very own seat on my roller coaster.  Yesterday: Pit-like bottom end of the world ranting.  Today:  Not so much.

All surprisingly done WITHOUT the aid of alchohol as I originally predicted.  Well, it’s a surprise to me anyway.

One thing that makes me freakishly happy, so much so that a sigh escapes my lips every time I walk into the house, is a clean house.  Namely MY clean house.  The same can be said for shopping.  Today I will be doing both. 

Other favorite things:  freshly shaved legs.  Mmm, with girly lotion.  and pedicures.  and a NEW CAR!

Ahem. 

Well the new car won’t be part of today’s activities, and I’m still on the fence about the pedicure.  But the rest of it’s all good.

And hey, maybe soon the new car will be on my list of “To Do’s Today.”  Wouldn’t that be fun!

Hey, did you notice it looks a little different here?  I know!!  Over on the right there’s a button/banner for the Silver Jewelry Club.  Have you seen this?  OH MY!  I must admit for the bargain price of $6 I have fallen victim to that site’s web of jewelry-goodness.

Yesterday’s mail brought me this:

And soon I will have these as well:

Yeah - I know… same necklace, different stone.  The thing is, they change the selection every 15 minutes.  This can be very exciting when there’s a new item.  And you know, sometimes - you just forget what you ALREADY bought.  Or you might find that you liked the ruby, but if you knew a few hours later it was going to be the topaz… well you would have got the topaz instead.  So, you buy both.

Not. Good.

Filed under: Sorta Daily, stream of conscious, former employer — Lily at 6:43 pm on Friday, July 1, 2005

Dis-ease
The distance rumblings of an explosive blogarrhea entry.  Like I’ve been blogstipated for a week or so and eating spicy food and chugging hard liquor the whole time, and now I just drank a pot of coffee and smoked a pack of cigarettes.  I’m getting an oh so familiar twinging and cramping and OH GOD THE GURGLING indicating something will soon emerge that Can’t Possibly Be Good.

Clearly, it will require alchohol.  And consider yourselves warned.

The thing is, it’s no where near Miller Time.  The other thing is, there’s really no clear and present reason.  I’m just feeling edgy and cranky and like I’m going to fucking lose my goddamn mind pretty soon.  And I don’t know why.

For Example
Yesterday, I was busy reading blogs working when I finally decided, I can’t take this anymore!  Thankfully when I looked at the clock, it was time to leave.  But I specifically remember having these thoughts when I saw the clock:  Hey!  Look, it’s time to go!  and that means my day?  is fucking OVER! Great - all done I can fucking leave now!

Then I had to get on the freeway to pick up the kiddo and it was all ‘fuck fuck fuckety fuck you fucking slow ass do I look like I want to fucking be here all fucking night I fucking hate this freeway.’  The whole 4 miles that I had to drive on the fuckety fuck freeway. 

That was not my first indication that Something Is Indeed Very Wrong (SIIVW), however it was probably the most vocal. heh.

Another indication that SIIVW is the fact that I don’t seem to even want to bother figuring out what it is, why it is, and how to make it stop or go away.  I just don’t fucking care. 

On the Horizon
I am taking vacation next week, and right now, I am happy.  I think I need a break from the routine, and I have promised myself that I will not dread being home with the kiddo, all day, every day.  The key is to stay busy.  I have a little saying that I like to say, in regard to dealing with stress.  “Stay busy, or stay buzzed.”  And really, how can you go wrong with that?

I just have to get through today at work.  I think I got a total of 3 hours of sleep, plus another half hour of cursing at the goddamn fucking annoying alarm clock this morning.  Two thoughts I remember having just before I was fully conscious: 1. “Fuck!  Shut up you stupid clock! Fuck!!”  and 2. “Wow, not even 6am and already dropping the F-bomb.  This is going to be a FABULOUS day.”

Then I found that the cat had puked.  On the carpet.  As usual.  Now, I am fanatical about the carpet.  No seriously.  To the point I think I may have alienated friends as a result.  So, everytime the little bitch cat heaves on the carpet, it just adds another spot that I clean fanatically for a week and then eagle-eye forevermore anytime I walk past it.  There are currently two, now three spots of such esteem.

Thinking
I’m thinking of joining the gym near my house.  Because, well for one, that whole issue of 60 fucking pounds I want to be rid of and what better way to be rid of them than to run them off at the gym?  Another reason is that when things get to this point, I need an outlet for the aggression.  Again - perfect for the gym.  They even have a raquetball court there…  And the gym is offering a deal on memberships, which would make the monthly dues a little more affordable. 

My plan is to take advantage of the one week pass next week so at least I can go to the gym each and and try to work off any frustration/aggression that needs working off.

I’m also thinking I need to do something in regard to how I make my living.  Well, I’ve been doing something but the something so far has not been enough.  And now, it seems the kiddo’s dad is no longer contributing - due to his current leave status.  He claims not to know how his paycheck situation works, and maybe he doesn’t.  Although if it were me I would be hounding the fuck out of the HR department to find out.  Even if he does know - it puts his support contribution at the very bottom of his list of priorities.  He’s currently behind by more than a payment, and has yet to bother to try and make any arrangements for that or any future lapsing as well.

I can’t stand the fact that I have to rely on his contributions in order to make ends meet.  I could dwell on it, but in the end - all I can do is try to work things out so that I don’t depend on it.  Hasn’t happened yet, but I’m hoping it will soon.  The same ’soon’ I’ve been hoping for during the last 5 years of hoping.

But even if I didn’t rely on it - it is still his obligation to contribute.  I’ve tried everything I can think of to get that through to him.  He’s fucking stubborn.  More so than me, even.  And that’s really fucking stubborn.

In the meantime I have to figure out how to juggle things so that we can actually do some shit on our vacation next week, AND still pay rent on time. 

Oh the fun to be had here!!

Conclusion?
I’m just, feeling all sorts of Blah, and Eh. I’m really tired of dealing with fuckwits, and their fuckwittage.  I have no tolerance for it now.  NOR did I ever.  In fact I specifically remember deciding on things based on the complete lack of fuckwitting invovled.  Seriously, do not fuckwit me.  Otherwise, I will have to fucking cut you.  Or, at least, just ignore you until I lose the urge to cut you.

And then I think, who am I kidding?  Do I really think that a fucking stairmaster is the answer to all this?

Updated to add
I have been meaning to say this, only not exactly say as much as SCREAM:  “For the millionth fucking time, STOP goddamn talking to be with your fucking face turned AWAY from me because I cannot hear what the fuck you are saying and if you absolutely MUST talk to me don’t be so motherfucking lazy just turn your goddamn chair around and talk to ME and not to your fucking computer screen!!!!  Because I am sick and fucking tired of fucking asking you what the fuck you just said because you are mumbling in the other goddamn direction AGAIN.  And STOP FUCKING CALLING ME ____ BECAUSE YOU HAVE BEEN HERE FOR THREE FUCKING MONTHS AND THAT IS NOT MY NAME!!!!!!  FUCK FUCK FUCK YOU ARE FUCKING STUPID!”