There are some days
When I seriously question my decision to be a parent. I often wonder, is it because of all the things I want to do and either choose not to or can’t do, or is it just the messages I get from the world around me that make me think I’m not doing what I want to be doing - parentally speaking.
Because, usually, I have enough to worry about that I tend to take my parenting foibles and pass them off as “do what I can - can’t help the rest!” because there is only so much stomach acid one can produce in response to all that there is to worry and fret about from day to day.
I think it may just be the fact that some of the usual stress has been remedied, and a bit more where that came from will be taken care of in the next few weeks. Which, by my calculations, frees up a bit of time for worry/shame/guilt about something ELSE! wheeee!
So the parenting thing. That’s what I seem to have chosen as my next contestant for a real! live! ulcer!
Most recently, I’ve realized that the kiddo (or Kadoo as I like to call him) has been to the nurse’s office four times since school started. FOUR! You might not know this but school started less than two weeks ago.
Ok, is Kadoo sickly? No. Not really. He’s actually pretty healthy. In fact only one trip to the nurse was because he was sick. Make that two - although they happened on the same day. So that’s not TOO bad. The other two times were random: once for an accident, and once because his eye was bothering him.
What is all that really all about? I am starting to think he’s having a tough time adjusting to the new school. Which is where the guilt comes in. I was the one who decided we needed to move (well, but really - we did). I was the one who let him finish the school year at his old school - I thought the transition would be easier if it was at the beginning of the school year. Turns out - nah! Changing schools kinda sucks no matter when you do it.
If I were sure he would adjust in time I guess there wouldn’t be so much guilt on my part. Judging from the amount of guilt I’m wallowing in, I don’t really see him adjusting any time soon. Maybe I’m spoiled - he went off to kindergarten with a wave and a song. First grade was the same.
If I had any idea of how to help him, maybe THAT would alleviate the guilt. But when you refer to the prior paragraph you see I am at a loss in this area.
You know what I’ve noticed goes really well with guilt? FEAR.
What if he is really nto going to adjust and settle in?
What if he is already being picked on for being the new kid?
What if this causes a lifelong hatred of school, with bad grades and dropping out and The Life of a Degenerate ahead of him?
What if his attitude at home is a reflection of the turmoil he’s in regarding school?
What if I am too stupid to notice that he’s really struggling?
What if he needs a psychiatrist and I’m too oblivious to know it?
What if that means years from now we’ll all find out that all the trouble was really all my fault?
Oh.
So THAT’S what it’s all about.
*sigh*
Again, seriously questioning the decision to be a parent. I’m obviously not qualified, and too selfish to be genuinely concerned for the child. Because even when I think it’s all about him - seems to be deep down: all about me. How did someone so selfish end up here?
