Subtle Glow

Today, the boy — My Boy! — turned 7.

I woke up and thought - Oh. My. Garsh. I have a real live seven year old child. Pretty soon he can get a job of his own!! wooty-woo!!!

Ok, yes - I am joking. hee hee. I guess.

I’m taking him to see Corpse Bride tomorrow. The boy and I were discussing this earlier:

Me: Ok, so you want to see Corpse Bride tomorrow, is that right?

Him: Yeah.

Me: Right, so… you know I have heard some people think it is — well, maybe not “scary” but kind of creepy. Are you sure you’re all right with that?

Him: Oh - yah. You know what part I like from the preview? The part where Corp is running and hits a tree.

Me: …

Him: It’s so funny. I like that part.

Me: Great! Ok so, tomorrow then!

Not a boy, Not yet a man…

It’s funny how once you actually talk about something Big, Bad and Scary it suddenly becomes much less Big, Bad and Scary.

Today I had a meeting with my manager and my supervisor to talk about how things are going. Just a little “check-in” on both sides to make sure we’re all in a good place. It was the perfect solution to the anxiety problem. We are all on the same page - and we have the “expectations” laid out and clearly defined.

The anxiety now seems trivial on my part. As usual. That is pretty much my MO. Until I can decide I’m ready to hear the truth - no matter how brutal - I imagine the worst and then react as if it were already true. Part of it, and I know I’m not the only one here, but part of it is that I am my own harshest critic, and when someone else can point out a flaw or a shortcoming that I hadn’t noticed… well, it is really hard to hear.

I’ve had anxiety, and dealt with anxiety for so long… it’s just a normal part of how I function anymore. That’s one reason I decided to start a blog - so I can get all The Crazy out somewhere instead of keeping it locked up inside. It does wonders for my mental health rating. hehe. Well, it must! Because I am still allowed to be out without supervision, so, you know. There’s that.

Ok, Internet. I am going to write about work now.

Although, not so much about where I work, or even what I do at work, or anyone else at work. Just the general sense of worry I have since the first week I started - Basically I worry every single day that I am going to get fired.

Now, I ask you, wise Internet: Is that reasonable? I think not.

I mean, yes, I am still getting used to things there. My co-worker is not overly friendly - and I actually think of that as A Good Thing. Plus - I didn’t lie on my resume, and I didn’t lie during the interview. I even told the truth when asked about my current salary. I KNOW!! They interviewed me - twice - and still made me an offer and then hired me. Me!

So why then, do I spend the majority of each day worrying that sooner rather than later they are going to pull me aside and tell me, “Sorry, but we’ve made a mistake. We don’t think this will work out after all.”

I’ve gone as far as wondering how much I would get for unemployment, and could I manage with NO savings and LOTS of bills and maybe even soon a new car payment.

Every hushed meeting in the department manager’s cube is cause for me to subtly lower the volume on my radio and strain to hear if they are talking about me and how disappointed they are and whether they’ve tried to find out from HR if there would be any problem with letting me go.

Seriously, do I need to go back on my meds? Because part of me feels like this is a very big and real possibility, and the other wants to smack that part and tell it to get back to work.

It’s happened again. Change.

I have felt it these last few weeks. Just a glimmer here and there. A hint of chill in the morning air. A heaviness at sunset when the clouds stretch endlessly across the sky.

It’s definite but it is not tangible - the moment when things change. It’s only afterward when you stop to notice, and then wonder: when? where?

I felt it tonight, the first rain in many months. The lighting and thunder - so rare to accompany any storm in Southern California - the sun seems brighter as it sets over the ocean. When the sky is pink and purple and yellow and blue like that, it reminds me of things I haven’t thought of in a long time. And the things I felt then, that I haven’t felt in a long time.

Tonight I remembered what I felt like when I was young, and I lived alone, and then I didn’t. It was the calm, I realize now, the calm before a storm and I was at sea. I remember feeling happy, through a fog of sadness. Day after day. Fog is explained as a cloud that settles on the ground. You would never think of a cloud looking like that up close. That is how depression was for me. Up close and slowly wrapping itself around me. I knew it was there and I felt it pulling close, but I never really knew exactly what it was.

Tuna helper. I remember tuna helper, and overflowing garbage cans and a one bedroom apartment, with two queen beds side by side. A roommate, that later became my best friend. I worked days and she worked nights; when we were home at the same time one of us would be asleep. The other was creeping through the apartment getting ready for work or for bed.

Everything but my clothes and my bed was in the garage. In a box. I had a job and I went to school and I had a boyfriend and I had an apartment and a roommate and I had friends.

And I was alone.

Adrift. At sea.

Alone.

I spent a lot of time looking wistfully into the sunset. Watching, waiting. I kept waiting for the answers to reach out to me. I wanted to feel as bright and as beautiful as the sun did at sunset. When the sky was orange and golden and then slowly pink, and yellow, and blue and purple.

It’s here again. The calm before the storm. I didn’t know what storm was brewing then. The cruel clarity of hindsight. When it’s too late and there’s nothing you can do and all you have left is the pieces. The pieces you’ve spent every day since trying to pick up and convincing yourself that those days and that time is over. Gone.

I don’t know what it is now. I don’t know if I feel the way I felt then, or if I just remember the feeling like it was here again. But I can feel a subtle shifting around me. I’m catching glimpses of it again. One day I’ll wake up and it will be winter again, and the days will be short and the weather will be cold, and empty.

Today I wore the cutest new sweater I bought last weekend. I liked the v-neck on it especially. Mostly because, when I was adjusting it I caught a peek of my hot pink bra underneath.

It was so HOT.

And then, as I finished arranging the sweater, I noticed it still had the little size sticker on it. Lucky for me it was a size Large, and therefore the sticker was a perfect “L” right there on the front of my shirt. On my boob.

My boob - where more than likely everyone (but me) could see it, but who is going to mention it? “Uhhh, I think I saw something on your boob there.”

“L” is for LOSER.

“LOSER” as in, “NOT HOT”

It’s Thursday. Almost Friday. woo!

So, yeah. I need to fold laundry. and have a margarita. but just one. cause I want to read later. and it’s too hard when you have more than one margarita.

Also? holy crap there will be a lot of people here on Saturday. I am hosting a BBQ. I am excited but also thinking Oh, shit where will we sit? I also want to be all neighborly and say Oh, hi! By the way I’m having people over on Saturday - but during the day. So when you hear all the fun we are having please choose to join in rather than spoil it. Only, really there’s no room so how about you just don’t spoil it? But that would only work if #1 - I ever actually SAW any of my neighbors and #2 - on the rare ocurrence of seeing such neighbors they even returned my fucking HELLO, much less a little hint of a polite smile. uppity bitch. Anyway!

and I wish I had the link but it’s gone. Anyway:

Dear Red States…

We’ve decided we’re leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we’re taking the other Blue States with us.

In case you aren’t aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon,Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get Elliot Spitzer. You get Ken Lay.

We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood.
We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.
We get Harvard. You get Ole’ Miss.

We get 85 percent of America’s venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama.
We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition’s, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.

Please be aware that New California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we’re going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they’re apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don’t care if you don’t show pictures of their children’s caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we’re not willing to spend our resources in Bush’s Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country’s fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation’s fresh fruit, 95 percent of America’s quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we’re discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.

By the way, we’re taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.

Sincerely,
Author Unknown in New California.

Yet here I was trying to think of which country I might want to move to. Silly me, trapped in the usual conformist’s way of thinking. It hadn’t ocurred to me to make our own new country, which is, in my opinion, a brilliant idea.

Repeat.

That is essentially the agenda for the day. I just love long weekends. If I could, I would totally work M-Th at 10 hours a day and have a long weekend, every weekend.

I spent the earlier part of the weekend in Phase I preparations for The Big Party coming up next week.

There is just something so spectacular about having a clean house everywhere, and not just the laundry done and the kitchen cleaned. Every surface has been tidied. If I wanted to hire a maid, NOW is the time to do it. Because seriously it is impressive how tidy this house is.

I have been meaning to write an entry on this for days. For reasons I am not ready to get into, I just can’t seem to do it. In the meantime, I am reading and watching various blogs entries, news reports, and most of all photo montages from the devastated New Orleans area.

The Bush Administration as well as other federal agencies have been highly criticized for their slow response to help the displaced victims of Katrina.

For what it’s worth: I don’t think the response from American citizens would be any different. All I have seen is people desperate to help - in whatever way they can - organizing and getting the word out about what is needed, and how we can help.

My thought is this: If there were a major military base in the area, where hundreds or thousands of military families were affected by the hurricane - do you think the federal response would be any different?