Subtle Glow

I finally did it got up and went to the gym today. I even added a few extras to my membership to make it even more convenient - now the kiddo can go as much as I want and it doesn’t cost me any more than $10 a month. So that’s a big help. Way better than $3 a visit.

Now the only thing is getting the timing down a few times a week, so that we can go without getting home too late. I also proved to myself that I can eat dinner and THEN go to the gym. Eventually I’ll learn to just grab a shake or something and make the kiddo some dinner before we go. It’s amazing how many excuses I make not to go. Also amazing - how frickin good I feel for actually going. I forgot how good it feels.

My child - I just love that boy! For one, he loves going to the gym and playing in the kids playroom there. When I told him I really want to be able to go to the gym a few times per week he offered to do his homework after school, but before I pick him up so we don’t have to worry about it. Which of course means all the more reason we could go to the gym. Love you child!

That it seems all the “poof” has gone out of my blog. Where’s all the ha-ha-ah-oh-ho-ho? What’s with all the whining, moaning and general wahhhh-ing?

To tell the truth: I don’t really know.

I do know that I got my haircut this weekend. YAY!

I didn’t get around to getting the car washed, but I got a very lovely pedicure. YAY!

So how many times do you think I will say, “I have to get serious and go back to the gym on a regular basis” before I actually do just that thing.

I did a little shopping over the weekend, because I have down to one pair of jeans that actually fit. Every day of the weekend, there they are. They are quickly becoming THOSE JEANS. You know what I mean, the one article of clothing that people refer to when they are talking about you.

For example:
“Oh, you know I saw Lil the other day, she said to say Hello.”

“Oh really? That’s nice.”

“Yeah, she was wearing THOSE JEANS again. That’s all she ever wears, do you notice that?”

“Yes!”

It’s not always THOSE JEANS, you know. Other items likely to be mentioned: THAT SWEATER, THOSE SHOES, or THAT SHIRT.

Sometimes I wear stuff over and over because I like it. Sometimes - because that’s all that fits! What’s a girl to do?

I was thinking on the way to work this morning about how dissatisfied I am with my appearance. Then I realized what week it is. Can you guess? Yes - the week of Fat/Ugly. It’s horrible to admit - although I can’t help shrug and laugh - but this is what I refer to myself as from time to time. Time to time being, you know, Fat/Ugly week.

I’ll be cruising along, doing whatever, and think - my god you are such a fatass! And your face - look how roundy-bloated… you have no jawline or chin! Ugh! Then I stop and think: where did all that come from? Ohhhh, it must be fat/ugly week.

What timing!! Thanksgiving week no less. Wanna take a guess at how a holiday centered around eating eating eating will help Fat/Ugly this week? HA! Do you think it would be a major problem if I just stayed home alone this year? I can’t stand facing my family and having them see my fat self (while eating of course!). Do you think I might be able to avoid them for a few months, while I work to get rid of a few pounds? I mean, we’re not all that close… it can’t be that hard. I’ll just skip the holidays this year, how’s that?

On the 3rd it will be the Offical Start of the Christmas Holiday Season for me. I like to commemorate the event with the Day! Of! Shopping!

Rather than battle the crowds - because you know a lot of people are stupid/crazy and if you go willingingly at 4am to a crowded shopping location you are bound to run into 90% of the ones in your very own neighborhood. So rather than do that, I have found that the first Saturday of December is ideal for the early morning shop all day festival. I get up early and meet with a friend where we then stop to get some yummy coffee, and hit the stores shop all day. Stop for a bit of lunch and then finish out the shopping. Walmart, Best Buy, Bed Bath and Beyond, Costco, the mall, Target, you name it. All are subject to the shopping.

Once the shopping phase of the day is complete, the wrapping phase begins. It’s hard to say which part of the day is more fun - the shopping, or the wrapping. Because the wrapping? Well, it comes with WINE. And what could be better than wrapping and wine? I’m here to tell you folks: Wine is the new black - I swear it just GOES. WITH. EVERYTHING.

And for that, I am very much looking forward to the Day! Of! Shopping!

I used to be a little girl with golden hair and hazel eyes and a trusting heart. It’s been 25 years since I was that girl but somehow there’s part of me still stuck wondering where she is, where did she go?

I know. I know I might have gone where I should not have. I know I have allowed feelings that are not allowed.

The truth is I never believed I would feel this. Ever again. Not now, not ever. I believed myself when I said I would not. The truth, as we all like to call it, is that I want someone who will wrap themselves around me, but not just physically. Someone who completes my sentences just the way you do. Someone who says, “I know, it’s so crazy and yet…” and then agrees with the path of logic I have started down.

Someone who simply GETS me. Not because they want to be me or be near me or be like me or anything to do with me what-so-ever. But because that’s already how they are. So that when we are together, it fits.

Just like that.

Do you ever put on the happy face and go through your day like there’s not a worry in the world or a trouble in your mind?

Have you spent countless hours lending support to a friend in need meanwhile ignoring the utter darkness in your own mind?

When you stop and look at yourself in the mirror, do you wonder who you’re looking at? Do you recognize the person staring back at you? Do you feel shame that you are basically one big lie after another, because of how you deny who and what you are?

Engulfed in a pit of loneliness and yet the phone rings and you are all smiles and chats and laughs. You speak the words you question how sincere you sound. You wonder if the person on the other end can hear the hollowness in your words.

Can anyone really “fake it ’til you make it”??

When does the fake end and make begin? When do we truly, and completely become our authentic selves?

Before I say what I’m about to say I’m just going to say Thank You to all the veteran’s who fought and some who even died or got seriously wounded in the name of our country.

Now that I’ve said that - days like today are a single mom’s worst nightmare. The kind of days that are “semi-holidays” in that they aren’t recognized by everyone. Namely, employers. Yet they are recognized by others: like schools. And day-cares. Semi-holidays are pretty much just a pain in the ass for those of us who do work, and have children, who need childcare.

I opted to work a half day, and bring the kiddo in to work with me. I learned that my child enjoys being the center of attention. Haha! Especially in meetings. With the WHOLE department. I learned that when he is the center of attention, I might as well be. I never liked being the center of attention. So you can see how much FUN it must have been.

Highlights: My child commanding attention from the room to tell a joke. “What do you call a dog in the summer?”

I hadn’t heard the joke before, but oddly enough I was able to immediately conjure a punchline. One that was completely inappropriate for a 7-year-old and possibly not even appropriate for the workplace either. I felt the oncoming train - as the thought flew through my head, “If he says ‘Bitch in heat’ we are SO out of here! and PS - WHERE would he have heard that?!!”

Meanwhile he had effortlessly delivered the punchline: “A hot DOG!”

I simply have no patience and found myself wanting to fling things at the television tonight. As you may know, it is Election Day. The day where we Americans go out and prove what I have been saying all along: The masses are asses! Just give them an election and they will fucking prove it. Every. Time.

Only 15% of the votes have been reported in so far… well, actually NBC reported 14% of the votes in at 8:25pm, and by 8:45pm they said it was 10%. WTF? Did they find another district or ten they didn’t know about in a twenty minute period of time? More stupidity.

I can’t watch anymore, I’m too wired for that sort of suspense. You know it’s time to turn it off when The Office seems like a pretty good version of reality. Then you realize it’s supposed to be a fucking parody.

Also my cat has been pissing on the carpet again. Fuck!

You know I thought I was in a pretty good mood until about an hour ago.

With that - I think it’s time for some links!!

Here’s one that makes me laugh. I might have posted it before… it’s a fave!

Proving my point

Home Depot Douchebag

Worth a chuckle

Not really. But I would like to say some things.

Except, have you been watching this season of Nip/Tuck? Uhm, didn’t Julia have some work done last season? Wow she’s got some, uhhh stuff going on around her eyes… Not that I think all women should be perfect. It’s just something I noticed.

Update on my cingular wireless experience: Hey! Turns out it was NOT my phone. So I have the replacement phone and still ended up having to go in to Cingular to have them check it out. The problem really was my SIM card. In all the phone upgrades I’ve had no one ever thought of upgrading my card: The damn thing was from way back when they were still Pac Bell PCS. End result: replaced phone and upgraded SIM card = Kanye West ringtone!!

And in a totally unrelated turn of events: Football! I don’t know what about it, except I just thought of it. And the Chargers are playing the Jets this weekend, so I hope the damn dude who is supposed to kick the field goal is goddamn practicing, is all.

Also I have another glass of wine to drink, the rest of Tuesday’s Nip/Tuck to watch, must shower so I can shave legs etc. for gentleman caller later. Yes the same one - the one that I have finally admitted to myself that I might possibly be in love with but can’t tell him but probably will anyway because I’m a big fat blabbermouth like that. And he’ll be all like, “Well, that’s not where we said this was supposed to go,” and I’ll say “oh, totally I know! It just happened and yet I’m ok with that, although I know you have to move away… far far away so you can go to school and stuff and how totally selfish would that be for me to say: Stay! with me! because then that would be asking you to change all your plans and I would change NONE so that just doesn’t seem fair, but PS if you ever wanted to give it a try I’m like celebrity poker style ALL IN!” Which on the whole doesn’t really leave me looking like I’m siding with sanity these days… you know? So of course there’s that and everything.

Ok? Ok. So I’m glad we had this talk and now can we just pretend it didn’t happen? Great. Thanks!