Subtle Glow

Perhaps there is something in the water or the air these days?

Maybe it’s just the theme of the week, but I have a confession about my own bitchy thinking.

It has to do with a friend - a good friend - of mine. She has been going through a particularly rough period lately, and I have been trying to be helpful and supportive. It’s hard to see her having such a hard time with everything. She is going through a breakup of a long-term relationship.

Now, logically speaking, when you lay out all the pieces or add them up or whatever you do - the end result points to This is The Right Thing To Do. No matter how you lay it out, add it, stack it, examine, etc.

This breakup? It is the right thing for her to do.

She knows it is, and she knows it as logically as the rest of us would when we look at the same facts and figures.

I can relate to some of how she feels. Sometimes. Then there are times that I just cannot relate at all. So, you can imagine that during the times that I just cannot relate, I feel sort of like - well, like I cannot help, either. Yet, I try to listen and realize sometimes you just need someone to listen. That being the listener can be helpful - and I don’t have to agree, or reason with her or anything at all except just listen.

This is where The Bitch in me starts coming out. Because it has been more than two months since the official split happened, and sometimes I just cannot figure out why she is still crying about it. I think after two months you know it’s really for real over and why do you go from room to room looking for things to make you cry? Why do you put yourself in such a painful place and then block any exit or escape from that place?

I realize that this is not her. She is dealing with it and every day she really DOES get a little bit stronger. Most of the bitchy thoughts I have are based on my own frustration: My friend is hurting and no matter what I do, I can’t fix it for her. I can’t snap my fingers and make her pain go away or have her magically feel ‘OK’ with all this no matter how “right” the decision is. Deciding to do the right thing is the least of it - it’s the follow-through that counts (not to mention hurts like a motherfucker).

At the same time, I have limits to the amount of crying and hopelessness I can listen to. I hate to actually admit it, and I feel like a ginormous ass for saying it, too.

It may be my recent bout of frustration, leading to impatience, but I have found myself wondering things like: Is she trying to be miserable all the time?

Again, I understand that my thoughts and reactions are just a product of my own limitations. Her feelings are not my responsibility. On the other hand, I’ve been very supportive for the last couple of months - I worry she will take it the wrong way if I’m not AS available as I was in the very beginning of all this. I don’t want her to feel like I am dumping her - I’m not. I just need to take a step back now and then. I’ve started just ending the phone call (politely of course) if I feel myself getting annoyed with the moping and despair. As soon as it starts I just say, “Ok, well I just wanted to call and say hello. I’ll talk to you again soon.”

I don’t know. It’s difficult. I want to be a good friend, and in my mind to do that I should at the very least be a good listener. If she asks for help I can choose to help. But I also can’t allow myself to give more than I’m capable, because ultimately it seems super nice and helpful at the time but later I fear it will lead to resentment or a little bit of a rift in our friendship.

For now it’s all ok, I think I have been doing pretty good at staying within my limits. Part of me still feels bad about it, so I guess that’s why I’m here spilling it.

You know what I just realized?

I was thinking about yesterday’s entry, and I realized: It’s Fat/Ugly week. See how that happens?!

I’ve been eating non-stop for like a fucking year.

In that time, I’ve gained a good 20lbs. Add that to the 20 I gained the year before and that’s pretty easy math. FAT. ASS. What’s worse is I still needed to trim off 10 to 15 back before I gained the 40.

So, what the FUCK is my problem?

I have been carb-loading. I do that when I feel panicked. I feel panicked about my weight, about my size, about my finances, about my lack of gym time.

I’m also panicked because I look around and I see friends who were always bigger than me - and they are making plans and sticking to them and the weight is sliding off. And soon *I* will be the biggest one of them, when I used to be one of the smaller ones. Meanwhile, I am gaining. And bingeing.

Again, what the FUCK is my problem?

I feel terrible because secretly I don’t want them to be more successful in their weightloss than I am. I think these thoughts and then I feel the panic rise up because they’ve already started and here I am loading up my plate with second helpings of cheese-filled ravioli smothered in pesto sauce.

I fret endlessly over making a plan vs. going on a diet and in the end I give up and tell myself I’ll worry about it “tomorrow.” And then tomorrow comes and I’m back on the worry wagon. Worry worry worry but never doing much about it, so in the end - not just worrying but also gaining!! Like a big fat fucking bonus, right?

I’m so disgusted with myself but now it’s too late - I’ve already eaten the crap - I can’t take it back now. Unless I do something SUPER like toss it back up. Gross!! I don’t want to start any of those unhealthy habits either. What is wrong with me?! I don’t understand why I think these things and as crazy as I feel about all of this I haven’t really found a way to make it stop.

Really. It was just perfectly fabulous.

I had family come to my house for dinner on Sunday. The food turned out to be very yummy - my turkey came out very good! I roast my turkey in a brown paper bag, the way my mom has always done it. I ended up making way too much food, of course, and then later realized I don’t actually have any dinner plates. Or more than two chairs.

We ended up having dinner using salad plates - how do you like THAT for portion control? It’s very hard to stuff yourself when you only have a tiny plate to work with. I guess I don’t have many big gatherings where we are all expected to actually sit at the table and eat off of real dinnerware - as opposed to paper.

No matter though. We managed and the food was very good and my mom happens to have a full set of dinnerware with enough for eight place settings so - problem solved!

Kiddo was very pleased with his gifts - the lego set from Grandma and Grandpa went over particularly well.

I am back at work today, and really missing the time off I used to take this week. At least it’s a short week, and next week as well, so that’s something.

I am anxiously waiting for the rinse cycle to finish. I think this is the fastest I’ve ever knit anything - I finished a pair of slippers for myself!

I just can’t wait until they are dry (which I’m afraid will take FOR.EV.ER.)

So, the idea behind these slippers is that you basically knit a big fat loose and floppy sock. Now, I don’t know about you, but I’ve never really figured out WHY people would want to knit their own socks, other than the simple reason that they could. Also, because I never thought I would be able to figure out what the heck the directions were. I mean, heels and gussets and toe decreases… NO way. Can I please have a knit or a purl please?

Then, I spent a month looking at the pattern and hoping one day it would make sense. Also I started thinking, how many scarves can a girl knit?

I think the kiddo is going to want his own pair, so now I’m wondering if I need to make them smaller to begin with, or [omg I think I just heard the washer stop!] if the sizing can all be handled through the felting part. Anyway, I told him he can pick any color he wants.

Observe:

FELTING! So much like MAGIC!!

Maybe one day I’ll be really brave and try to make a sweater. To tell you the truth it’s the sleeves that scare me the most.

One of my friends and former co-workers was laid off from her job last Friday.

How much does that suck? While the rest of the company was thrilled as they received unexpected bonus checks - several employees were finding out that they were being laid off.

You might have heard a bit here or there in the news recently regarding GIA and their involvement in a bribery scandal. More recent news and press releases mention that they have settled the original lawsuit that sparked the entire controversy, that ultimately ended with the demise of a very large portion of the division of GIA responsible for collecting donations on behalf of the Institute.

My friend was one of the unfortunate ones who lost their jobs in the layoffs initiated just a little over a week before Christmas. What is also more unfortunate, is that she played a support role to the members of this division, and they chose instead to keep a less-qualified, less-competent inept little prick instead of her. While he wheedled and whined his way through the work day, month after month she worked many frustrating hours picking up his slack.

In the end, he was better at playing the game of political grab-ass - and having worked there for several years I can tell you that is exactly what gets you ahead there. I can also tell you I was never going to get very far in that organization. I can also tell you that I was encouraged to be more of a political player, tone down my unwelcomed habit of pointing out the logical facts and rational actions to take in a given situation.

As always, the details of the settlement for this lawsuit so far have been very hush-hush. If you have been following any of the information that has come out so far, it won’t surprise you. There is a culture there that encourages ALL indescretions - particularly those that could possibly result in a lawsuit - to be hushed and quieted.

I will be watching as the information comes out of all this. I have plenty more to say about the Gemological Institute, particularly with reference to my opinions and experiences there, but for now I’ll have to wait to put all of it together. I can assure you, what I have to say is only but a glimpse of the shit that goes on behind those gates in corporate headquarters. Only but a slice of the real GIA - a company that prides itself and has even made a name for itself based on its trustworthiness, and integrity.

For now, suffice to say that concept is disgusting when compared with the truth. That sad part is that there are still a handful of employees who honestly uphold those values: trust, honesty, integrity - and with that my utmost respect. But for the most part, my opinion is that the entire company is rife with sneaky, self-serving, dishonest players.

To all of you fellow pagans or even non-pagans who are pagan-friendly, oh hell whatever:

To Everyone throughout the land (or at least the Northern Hemisphere anyway): Here is my wish to you for a Blessed Solstice and Yuletide. Rejoice in the fact that though winter is now officially upon us, the days will slowly start to grow longer again after today.

Just how wrong is it that I can’t seem to concentrate on anything other than getting home so I can knit more of my Fuzzy Feet?

The Scarf and The Hat have been finished!

I finished the scarf on Saturday, after a marathon session of knitting involving 3 or 4 episodes of Six Feet Under, 3 episodes of Sex and the City, and various unknown bits of time wasted channel surfing through utter crap before returning to my beloved HBO on Demand. Love you HBO!!

I even blocked the scarf. Yeah - I know! Because, otherwise, as I told my brother (the girlfriend of which will be the recipient of The Hat and The Scarf) I would have been knitting for another year. So.

The Scarf! It’s done!

Due to my complete overestimate of how much yarn I would be needing (I still can’t figure out how that all works. Guage? Ummm, maybe not!) I ended up with an extra TWO skeins of yarn.

Of course I started a pair of Fuzzy Feet, just for me! I’ve been reading the pattern obsessively for about a month now, and I have finally decided I am brave enough to try it.

Do you know what?

Two things: #1 dammit it’s almost midnight AGAIN and I am still not in bed. Dammit! A mere five hours until the alarm, tra la!

and #2 I want you to know that obsessing about patterns really works! Well, probably also casting on and just TRYING it I’m sure had a bit to do with it. BUT. I now have a cuff, AND a heel, AND part of an instep done on one fuzzy foot. Dude, I totally “picked up” stitches and everything. I know!!

I must admit I’m a bit skeptical of this whole FELTING concept? But, for now I am just in knitting la la land (can’t hear you evil skeptical thoughts about felting! la la la!!) and we’ll just deal with that later.

Just over one week left to the Gift Giving Occasion of Significance. You know the one I mean. The one that my inner bitch would not hesitate to tell you about how certain religious folks STOLE IT FROM US PAGANS! STOLE LIKE BIG STEALING STEALERS OF HOLIDAYS!!

Aside from that, I still have some shopping to do. I never did get those fabulous little decorator clips, OR the lights to put in them. I could do it this weekend, I suppose, and since I still have shopping to do and I plan to do it early - there is still time.

But mostly my time is spent agonizing over The Knitting. Particularly, The Knitting of The Scarf that goes with The Hat that every day I am just a little bit more worried will actually turn out to be TOO SMALL.

Agony, I tell you. Not to mention that The Scarf? and The Hat? really needs to be sent out by Saturday, and though I have spent hours and hours on The Scarf it refuses to grow to more than 1/3 finished.