Theme: Bitch
Perhaps there is something in the water or the air these days?
Maybe it’s just the theme of the week, but I have a confession about my own bitchy thinking.
It has to do with a friend - a good friend - of mine. She has been going through a particularly rough period lately, and I have been trying to be helpful and supportive. It’s hard to see her having such a hard time with everything. She is going through a breakup of a long-term relationship.
Now, logically speaking, when you lay out all the pieces or add them up or whatever you do - the end result points to This is The Right Thing To Do. No matter how you lay it out, add it, stack it, examine, etc.
This breakup? It is the right thing for her to do.
She knows it is, and she knows it as logically as the rest of us would when we look at the same facts and figures.
I can relate to some of how she feels. Sometimes. Then there are times that I just cannot relate at all. So, you can imagine that during the times that I just cannot relate, I feel sort of like - well, like I cannot help, either. Yet, I try to listen and realize sometimes you just need someone to listen. That being the listener can be helpful - and I don’t have to agree, or reason with her or anything at all except just listen.
This is where The Bitch in me starts coming out. Because it has been more than two months since the official split happened, and sometimes I just cannot figure out why she is still crying about it. I think after two months you know it’s really for real over and why do you go from room to room looking for things to make you cry? Why do you put yourself in such a painful place and then block any exit or escape from that place?
I realize that this is not her. She is dealing with it and every day she really DOES get a little bit stronger. Most of the bitchy thoughts I have are based on my own frustration: My friend is hurting and no matter what I do, I can’t fix it for her. I can’t snap my fingers and make her pain go away or have her magically feel ‘OK’ with all this no matter how “right” the decision is. Deciding to do the right thing is the least of it - it’s the follow-through that counts (not to mention hurts like a motherfucker).
At the same time, I have limits to the amount of crying and hopelessness I can listen to. I hate to actually admit it, and I feel like a ginormous ass for saying it, too.
It may be my recent bout of frustration, leading to impatience, but I have found myself wondering things like: Is she trying to be miserable all the time?
Again, I understand that my thoughts and reactions are just a product of my own limitations. Her feelings are not my responsibility. On the other hand, I’ve been very supportive for the last couple of months - I worry she will take it the wrong way if I’m not AS available as I was in the very beginning of all this. I don’t want her to feel like I am dumping her - I’m not. I just need to take a step back now and then. I’ve started just ending the phone call (politely of course) if I feel myself getting annoyed with the moping and despair. As soon as it starts I just say, “Ok, well I just wanted to call and say hello. I’ll talk to you again soon.”
I don’t know. It’s difficult. I want to be a good friend, and in my mind to do that I should at the very least be a good listener. If she asks for help I can choose to help. But I also can’t allow myself to give more than I’m capable, because ultimately it seems super nice and helpful at the time but later I fear it will lead to resentment or a little bit of a rift in our friendship.
For now it’s all ok, I think I have been doing pretty good at staying within my limits. Part of me still feels bad about it, so I guess that’s why I’m here spilling it.
