Subtle Glow

I’ve been eating non-stop for like a fucking year.

In that time, I’ve gained a good 20lbs. Add that to the 20 I gained the year before and that’s pretty easy math. FAT. ASS. What’s worse is I still needed to trim off 10 to 15 back before I gained the 40.

So, what the FUCK is my problem?

I have been carb-loading. I do that when I feel panicked. I feel panicked about my weight, about my size, about my finances, about my lack of gym time.

I’m also panicked because I look around and I see friends who were always bigger than me - and they are making plans and sticking to them and the weight is sliding off. And soon *I* will be the biggest one of them, when I used to be one of the smaller ones. Meanwhile, I am gaining. And bingeing.

Again, what the FUCK is my problem?

I feel terrible because secretly I don’t want them to be more successful in their weightloss than I am. I think these thoughts and then I feel the panic rise up because they’ve already started and here I am loading up my plate with second helpings of cheese-filled ravioli smothered in pesto sauce.

I fret endlessly over making a plan vs. going on a diet and in the end I give up and tell myself I’ll worry about it “tomorrow.” And then tomorrow comes and I’m back on the worry wagon. Worry worry worry but never doing much about it, so in the end - not just worrying but also gaining!! Like a big fat fucking bonus, right?

I’m so disgusted with myself but now it’s too late - I’ve already eaten the crap - I can’t take it back now. Unless I do something SUPER like toss it back up. Gross!! I don’t want to start any of those unhealthy habits either. What is wrong with me?! I don’t understand why I think these things and as crazy as I feel about all of this I haven’t really found a way to make it stop.