Subtle Glow

Recenlty a friend emailed me to ask if I was expecting big changes to come in the near future.

The answer is definitely Yes.

Change is a good thing. Inevitable. Unstoppable. Difficult. Intimidating. But usually a good thing.

Ok, enough with the little dance with words.

I am in over my head.

More and more every day, I find myself drawn to someone. We agreed there would be no strings, and therefore no entanglements.

That was just over a year ago.

At the time, it seemed reasonable, because it was meant to be a short-term thing. We didn’t want anyone getting hurt, so we agreed to Keep It Casual.

But, really, the hurt is almost unavoidable because when you spend enough time with someone and the time you spend is good, then you start to feel good about that person. Because you associate the goodness to them. You start to think to yourself about how much you like spending time with him. You smile to yourself a little bit now and then when you remember something he said, or did, or the way he kissed you or held you. When you realize what you’re doing you also realize what you’re headed for and that you should get out, get out now before it gets any worse. It’s difficult, and it’s painful but you make the break before it’s way too late, before your heart is in it and things are really really fucked up.

Or.

Or, you realize what you’re headed for and how much you should get out. Or really at the very least give the person a bit of “Hi - this is getting a little bit sticky for me. FYI.” You realize this person will likely be the one strong enough to end it before it gets any stickier, which means it will be over and you will have let your heart into it and it will be gone. Even though you know it doesn’t mean he doesn’t want you, you feel a little bit like that anyway.

So you don’t say anything, or at least you’re trying to get up the nerve to say something. You play the conversation out in your mind but even when you’re alone, and imagining it, somehow the words are getting stuck and you’re swallowing a lump in your throat. Then you think about how he is planning to move away in a few short months, how he has been planning the move for about a year now, and you knew it all along, so what did you expect? So you tell yourself you can just wait until then, and then he’ll be gone and it won’t be because he didn’t want you anymore, it will just be a result of circumstance.

A little voice in the back of your mind whispers that if he knew how you felt he would also want to find a way to make it work, or at least years from now you wouldn’t have to look back and wonder ‘What if you had said something?’ and how it might make things different. You ask yourself how important is it to you not to look back at any of this with any regret, and that’s when you realize all over again you have to find a way to SAY something. That all of the aftermath would make sense one day when you look back and know that you didn’t have to wonder about it.

Meanwhile, you are still seeing him, and every minute you’re with him the words want to pop out of your mouth. So many words in so many ways:

“I haven’t been completely honest with you.”

“I’ve spend months going over how to do this.”

“I’m crazy about you.”

“I want this to work.”

“I love you.”

I’m sorry.

The right thing to do. That’s what it is. It’s the right thing to do, the adult thing, the mature thing to do. Tell it like it is - or as a friend says, “Just come out of your face and say it.” Let what happens after that just happen.

My own words from last year haunt me:

“I’ve been through worse. A little heartache won’t kill me.”

Another little part of me is angry at myself, of course. I knew that more than likely some feelings would develop. I wasn’t naiive or stupid enough to think otherwise. I knew at some point my heart would end up involved somehow.

I completely underestimated just how much.