Subtle Glow

An old picture of kiddo and one of his classmates/neighborhood friend. I love those faces!

uhm, excuse me.

Excuse me.

Oh, hi - Excuse ME

…

HELLO - FUCKING MOVE!!

Really.  Is that so DIFFICULT to understand?  Are you NEW to coffee here?  Because if so we can deal with that.  The place is  packed with all the other junkies - just stand back a bit and watch how it’s done.  It’s easy, you’ll catch on.

Who are the rude people who hang ALL over the bar at Starbucks after they’ve ordered their drinks?  Do you see us?  All those people standing in a cluster near the bar?  Right over here?  Yes.  Hello - we are the people who ordered BEFORE you, who will be getting our drinks BEFORE you, and trying to leave BEFORE YOU. So do not proceed from the register directly to the bar, and then drape yourself all over it as you chat on your phone.

Why?

Well, my dear, because your ass is in the goddamn way and I spent all my nice points on the freeway to get here by 7:30am and I want to get my coffee and leave.  So, you see - I’m out of nice points, I can’t get to my drink sitting under your face on the bar, I’ve asked you nicely to move three times - and I need some fucking coffee.

Apparently the emotional/hormonal roller coaster is not over yet.  Am I slave to my emotions?  I like to think not.  I like to think that I recognize “feelings” for what they are - not constant and not a predicate for dictating my actions.

I like to think a lot of stupid shit, apparently.

In my efforts to maintain control of my mental and physical health by basically ignoring my rising and falling emotions, I have found the swings become more erratic, and my control less a stat of control and more of hanging on for dear life.

White knuckled.

This entry was posted by Rachel on Alas, a blog regarding this story about the lacrosse team at Duke University. There are several stories linked here, although I haven’t been able to access the story by The News & Observer linked in several places. I don’t know if they’ve pulled the articles or if their servers are just overloaded from everyone linking to them. I was able to get to this link, detailing other charges that some of the team members have faced in the past - most of them for posession of alchohol as a minor.

The real reason I’m posting about this is to get the word out on this, as requested from Rachel. I’ll be following the story but I don’t know that it will be any more tragic and infuriating as the antics reported during the Newport Beach Gang Rape (with excellent play-by-play done by Pinko Feminist Hellcat) trial that wound to a close recently.

Just reading through the comments on Alas has me gearing up for the inevitable frustration and anger that will go along with reading about this case. In that regard I hope I am to be sorely disappointed. But I can’t help but wonder, how many will hear of this case (men and women alike) and blame the woman who was raped, because she was a sex worker?
Ask yourself, do you REALLY believe that in some cases, a woman is deserving of sexual assualt? The answer should be a resounding “HELL NO” and we should all be doing something to back those words up. If you have a blog - feel free to take the links and pass the word on about this. Sitting silently and shaking our heads and wringing our hands isn’t going to exact any change in the way cases of sexual assualt turn into a victim defending herself (in most cases) against the unwanted sex forced upon her - by one or more people at the same time. We need to SPEAK OUT and ACT OUT against this kind of behavior, anything less is merely looking the other way.

At the end of this week, my boyfriend leaves for vacation for a week or so.  When he gets back, he’s giving his two weeks notice at work and after that he’ll be moving to Houston, TX.

Our time together, effectively, is almost over.

There are days when I’m “ok” and there are days when I’m not.  In between are the days where certain points of the day I’m ok and others I’m not.

What good does it do to cry about it?  He’s leaving and all the crying in the world won’t change it.

When I’m “ok” with it, really just means that I think about the time we’ve spent together, how there were no pressures or expectations put on each other, and how if we are going to be a full-fledged “couple” that there would be more expectations from each other.  I know I want someone who will give as much as I will to the relationship.  I want someone who will love me back.  I deserve it, too.  I also don’t want it from just anyone.  I want that from him.  He can, but it’s a question of willing - not ability.
We haven’t talked anymore about what will happen after he leaves.  I haven’t been avoiding or glossing over the details of his move.  I’m preparing myself for it to be over, for good.  It’s difficult and it’s sad but it’s supposed to be.  Mostly I’ve just been withdrawing further and further from outside life.  I talk myself in to getting up and leaving the house for work.  I talk myself in to being “present” for my son.  I talk myself in to chatting with friends.  But my heart isn’t really in it except for the time with my son.

I’ll get through it, as much as it hurts right now.  It will take time and I’m willing to give that to myself.  I know it would work for us if we both wanted and were willing to stay together.

I’m not going to beg and I’m not going to plead, either.  I want someone who is here because of their own choices.  He knows I am a good woman and that I would be good to him.  I don’t know if he realizes that I’m a good woman because I choose to be.  I choose to be good to him, every day, every time.  It’s not just luck that makes it work.

If he’s not willing to accept that and meet me halfway with his own choices, then I know that moving on is the right choice to make.  It’s not fair to either one of us to continue otherwise.

I just have to keep telling myself that, as many times as it takes, for as long as it takes.

I finally reached the surgery coordinator (which, if you don’t know what that is, is just the chick who pencils shit on the calendar) for the office where they will be performing my tubal ligation.
May 5th.

For a minute or two I was actually excited, and almost ran straight to the nearest computer to tell you all about it.

Something stopped me from doing that. I thought to myself, “Well why go and get all skippy about it? Because seriously, a lot can happen between now and then.”

You might be thinking I’m bitching about not getting a surgery date and then bitching when I do.

Except, guess who called today? Huh.
The first thing she said when I called her back was, “You’re going to hate me.”

I was thinking why would I? Because I’m already such a fucking fan of yours??

Seems that the doctor who is performing the procedure is having a family emergency that day and won’t be in the office - at all.

First, how the hell do you have a family “emergency” that you get to plan TWO WHOLE MONTHS ahead of time? I told my mom about it and she said, “Isn’t that like when grandma tells you she’s going to be sick for your birthday, you know - six months ahead of time?” Yeah, kinda.

Second, what the fuck ever. *sigh* Ok, so when’s the next available day? How about the 19th? The 19th of May. Fine. Sure. Put it on your stupid calendar.

She’s right. I kind of hate her.

If, on May 20th of this year, I am home recovering from the procedure, maybe then I’ll think - whew, finally!

Until then I’m just thinking: What the fuck ever.

Ok, so since today is my birthday, let me share with you some goodies that my girlfriends were sweet enough to get for me:

Some lotions from Shawni…

Which also came with this cute little bag, and a bigger bottle of lotion and some shower gel:

A very nice candle set from Tina that has become my new centerpiece:

A bottle of wine from Yvonne:

I also got another bottle of wine from Jill, but for that I’d have to take a picture of my belly, because it’s… well - gone.

Then Lesley got me this cute little set of shot glasses, for drinking shots of - coffee! You know, because what other kind of shots are there?? Except purple hooters, or buttery nipples, and I just realized how much I like shots that are named after boobs. So… moving on, check ‘em out!

So cute, huh!

My mom asked what kind of plans I had for my birthday. Well, I kind of told everyone I already had plans, so I could be alone.

I’m just not into it this year. It’s not the getting old thing, I just don’t feel like celebrating. I’ve always liked time to myself, but just I can’t seem to get enough time alone these days. I don’t share that with my girlfriends - I know they would feel like they need to cheer me up. Truth is, I just want to wallow a little bit. I feel bad if I whine to them, and I know they will scold me for not whining to them (I guess they don’t call it whining, but that’s what it feels like to me, so anyway) so I’d rather just keep to myself for awhile until I work it all out.

Some days I feel ok, and then there are some days where I think about everything I’ve been through in the last few months and the challenges in the next few months coming up… it just makes me want to crawl in bed for week or so. Is that so bad?

Quite possibly the biggest collection of bullshit I’ve seen all day:  Is she for real?

Did you see this story on 60 minutes last Sunday?

Not for this reason alone, but for the oh so many reasons: Please, explain to me in rational terms how there is still such a thing as a “Bush Supporter” in this country (or any other)?  Because I just don’t fucking get it.

Damn it! I don’t know what’s up with my template. I’ll have to take a look at it later but it’s all jacked up.

Phew! I figured it out.  I think the pictures were too big and messed up the column alignment.  Still, it got me looking into and considering other templates, so maybe I’ll be changing things up soon.