Subtle Glow

Kiddo brought home a letter this week from school.  I don’t know if I mentioned, but prior to spring break, he took a few trips to the Principal’s office - each with it’s own special letter home from school.  My personal favorite was the one where he was caught having an ACTUAL pissing contest in the bathroom with another boy at school.

Seriously.

This week’s letter was different.  I read through it and casually asked him if everyone in his class got one of these to bring home.  He shrugged and responded, “No, just a couple kids.”

Huh.

Basically, they want permission to test him for inclusion in the GATE program.  Personally, I think it’s really cool.  I mean, I know he’s a smart kid but I guess sometimes I minimize it.  For one reason - because pretty much ALL parents think their child is one of the best and brightest. And for reason two - I don’t want him to feel like I’m pressuring him to be “the best” or “perfect” or any of that other crap that I think detracts from a normal functional childhood.  I try to just let him be whatever it is he’s going to be.  Whether it’s top of the class, smack-dab average, or struggling to get by I’m cool with it.

As I flip through the materials I get to a survey where I am supposed to record my observations of his behavior, as it relates to the list of statements on the page.  Things like, “Relishes the opportunity to solve complex issues or problems” (relishes?  wtf?) or “Works on projects or assignments with little to no supervision” (would you consider video games to be in the “project” category?) etc. etc. etc.

Some of them I answered and some of them I skipped - I figure I’ll let his dad decide on those.  But one jumped out at me, “Uses language or vocabulary considered above development level in correct context.”

Immediately, I heard his little voice saying, “Oh-hh, SNAP!”

I’m counting down the number of days until he leaves. Only three left, and today is gone. Two more nights.

Even then, it’s not forever.

How many more smiles, how many more words? How much more can we squeeze in with each other until then?

However many there are, I plan to savor each one, and when the end is here I know it’s not forever. I won’t entertain the notion of forever in any sense, whether it’s together or apart.

We have something special; it will be whatever it’s going to be. I’m sure from time to time I’ll be sad about what it is, or isn’t - depending on how I’m looking at it. I’ll have a bit of a cry about it and then I’ll pick up and keep going.
It’s not forever.

It’s not forever.

It’s not forever.

It’s not the same, but - it’s not forever.

By that I am referring to my last entry, which was written after getting myself feeling good and sorry for myself, and which I have since deleted.
I’ve mentioned before about how B is moving out of state soon. Last Thursday he came over and we started talking about what happens after he moves - will we try to stay together, will we just leave it be and see how it goes, etc.

He was pretty convinced that he does not want to commit to staying together and doing things long-distance, which I immediately interpreted as “He can’t wait to move on and meet someone else, and he just doesn’t want to say that.” Because, you know, that’s the rational thought process, right? Of course. Is your insecurity meter registering any of this yet?

After thinking on it for a day or so (aka feeling sad and sorry for myself and calling a girlfriend to get some perspective) I realized I was over-reacting. Yah… I know.

The reality of the situation with B is that he wants to keep things just as they are. He doesn’t want to make a commitment or promise me something that he’s not sure he can follow-through on. I don’t want to manipulate or force him to do that.

I am, by nature, a planner. I like to have things in order. I like to have all unknowns worked out in order for me to relax. The “unknowns” present a constant source of anxiety for me, and I think I’ve written before about how well I deal with anxiety.

The other problem, is that when I am anxious about something, it’s difficult for me to bring it up and get it out in the open. Once it does come out, I always feel better, but in order to get to that point I usually get myself good and worked up.

So here I am, anxious and worked up, which means not all together rational in my thought process. A glass or two of wine boosted my confidence enough to broach the subject with him, and when it didn’t go my way… I sort of had a little tantrum.

Friday night, I called - he didn’t answer. Later I text him and asked him to call. He called, we talked, he came over, we talked. Things are good now. He’s still moving, we’re still not calling it a commitment.

I realized what I wanted most was that he wasn’t just going to walk out and never look back. That I mean something to him, that we have something together, even if we can’t truely be together.

I don’t know what the future holds for us, and in some small part of the back of my mind, yes - it concerns me. But even with that small bit of doubt I know that no matter what happens with us - it will be ok. If we stay in touch and talk and share and we survive the time and the distance, then that is awesome. If not… well - not so awesome but maybe for the best.

He might love me or he might not, but I do know that he cares. When we first got together, I never imagined that I would fall in love with him - I didn’t really believe I had the capacity for it. At this point, I don’t imagine that I could stop loving him, much less meet or love someone else.

I guess it’s just one of the many unknowns in life that I’ll have to deal with.

So far, today kind of sucks. I don’t know why exactly.

Maybe, it’s because I walked in this morning and it’s been nothing but one minor blip after another.

Maybe it’s the voicemail that I got from my supervisor, who is out of the office btw, with the bitchy, condescending, confrontational tone that she has slipped back into using lately. The one that makes my whole body want to say the word “Fuck” of some sort or another. God dammit, stop being so antagonistic. It immediately puts me on the defensive and it’s getting old. I don’t want to live this way. Stop talking down to me. Stop asking accusatory questions. You can seek information without being an ass about it.

Maybe it’s the weird vibe that settled over me last night, just before going to sleep. The one B picked up on. The one that when I glanced at the clock I just knew getting in to it at 1:00am plus wasn’t going to be a good thing.

Maybe it’s the realization on my way in this morning, regarding the weird vibe, that I want to know:

• Where is this going?
• Are you in or out?
• Because, I don’t want to be blunt or rude, but things you say and things you do give me hope that maybe you are In, and then out of nowhere I get the sense that you are Out.
• You know how I feel, and that means I am All In. So if you are not In, why do you speak and act as if you are?

More specifically, one day you speak in future-tense about us, and then last night you are suddenly referencing things in a past-tense.

As if they were over, or will be very soon.

I have been patient. I have not pressured.
I am still waiting for an answer.

Which is it? If you can’t decide then I know I have to, and if you’re not willing to be a part of what I decide I want and need from you, then I need to go back to being on my own.

It’s the not knowing. The indecision. The in-between. I will be ok either way, but I need to know which it is.

If you are In, then I need you to be ALL In. No more hiding, no more denying. I want everything you are willing and able to give. Everything you know I deserve.

Is there something causing you to hesitate?  Do you trust me?  Do you know that I would never do anything to disrespect you, or have you doubt me?

That’s the “vibe” and that’s what’s on my mind. We have established that it’s not a question of ability, but one of willingness.

You know what I am willing and able to do.  What are you willing to bring to this?

My first review for my new job is scheduled for this morning at 10am.

Despite my best efforts in past jobs, I have worked for some really crappy employers, and the review process has always seemed to be the culmination in crappiness. Imagine working in a place where every day they smile and beam about the work you are doing, applaud you for the accomplishments (that they have taken credit for) - and then when it comes time to dole out the pay increase to reflect it, they drag out every sideways glance you ever gave anyone and parade it around as a display of your suck-ass worthless existence as enternal bane of the company.

As a result, I instinctively loathe the process.

While I don’t think my performance justifies it, I am convinced my review will completely suck today.

**UPDATE**

Cancelled at the last minute. A breif reprieve, or a prolonged period of anxiety. However you want to look at it.

Seriously?
Huh.

I would love nothing more than to just call it a day.  Hell, call it a week while we’re at it.  I am in agony right now - all my own doing.

We went to lunch today at an all-you-can-eat Indian buffet.  Probably one of the only buffet-style places where I will eat.  The food is great, and there is always a selection of 3 - 4 items that I can and will eat.

And EAT I did.  I am so full and sleepy and in physical pain right now.  I over ate.  ugh.  I have a bit of heartburn, too.  mmmm. It is raining outside again, making the Call of the Couch so much more inviting.
So my countdown is on - it’s 1:30… which means three hours to go.  *ZZZZZZZZ*

I finished a pair of fuzzy feet for a friend of mine:

Sadly, the felting got a little out of control:

Lesson learned: Don’t put the fuzzy feet in the washer to felt and call your friend that you made them for to tell her that HEY! They are done and they are felting now!

Because that always turns in to yakking about other things… and well - half an hour later you have Felting Gone Wrong.

SLAM! open my eyes as the alarm JOLTS me out of sleep.

SMACK! goes my alarm as I FLOP back on the pillow for another 7 minutes.

crap. crap. crap. I chant as I rush through my morning routine.

COFFEE! is the single thought that launches me from one task to the next.

SCREAM! in my voice as I remind my child for the 5th time to JUST. GET. READY!  Don’t clean the lint trap, don’t straighten your room.  Put ON your socks and Let’s Move!

RACE! down the road on my way to work.

crap. crap. crap. I chant as the cop pulls me over, issues speeding ticket.
*SIGH* as I trudge to work, coffee finally in hand, wondering - why bother?

The more I hear from Anna Nalick, the more I really like her music. I have “Wreck of the Day” on repeat, along with “The Fear You Won’t Fall” from Joshua Radin.  (Please ‘right-click, save as’ on song titles)
I must have heard them both 20 times today.

The lyrics from both are what really get me, particularly “Wreck of the Day”

Driving away from the wreck of the day
And the light’s always red in the rear-view
Desperately close to a coffin of hope
I’d cheat destiny just to be near you

If this is giving up, then I’m giving up
If this is giving up, then I’m giving up, giving up
On love, On love

Driving away from the wreck of the day
And I’m thinking ’bout calling on Jesus
‘Cuz love doesnt hurt so I know I’m not falling in love
I’m just falling to pieces

And if this is giving up then I’m giving up
If this is giving up then I’m giving up, giving up
On love, On love

Maybe I’m not up for being a victim of love
All my resistance will never be distance enough

Driving away from the wreck of the day
And it’s finally quiet in my head
Driving alone, finally on my way home to the comfort of my bed

And if this is giving up, then I’m giving up
If this is giving up, then I’m giving up, giving up
On love, On love

Love her voice, love the melodies, love the lyrics. All Good Stuff.