Subtle Glow

By that I am referring to my last entry, which was written after getting myself feeling good and sorry for myself, and which I have since deleted.
I’ve mentioned before about how B is moving out of state soon. Last Thursday he came over and we started talking about what happens after he moves - will we try to stay together, will we just leave it be and see how it goes, etc.

He was pretty convinced that he does not want to commit to staying together and doing things long-distance, which I immediately interpreted as “He can’t wait to move on and meet someone else, and he just doesn’t want to say that.” Because, you know, that’s the rational thought process, right? Of course. Is your insecurity meter registering any of this yet?

After thinking on it for a day or so (aka feeling sad and sorry for myself and calling a girlfriend to get some perspective) I realized I was over-reacting. Yah… I know.

The reality of the situation with B is that he wants to keep things just as they are. He doesn’t want to make a commitment or promise me something that he’s not sure he can follow-through on. I don’t want to manipulate or force him to do that.

I am, by nature, a planner. I like to have things in order. I like to have all unknowns worked out in order for me to relax. The “unknowns” present a constant source of anxiety for me, and I think I’ve written before about how well I deal with anxiety.

The other problem, is that when I am anxious about something, it’s difficult for me to bring it up and get it out in the open. Once it does come out, I always feel better, but in order to get to that point I usually get myself good and worked up.

So here I am, anxious and worked up, which means not all together rational in my thought process. A glass or two of wine boosted my confidence enough to broach the subject with him, and when it didn’t go my way… I sort of had a little tantrum.

Friday night, I called - he didn’t answer. Later I text him and asked him to call. He called, we talked, he came over, we talked. Things are good now. He’s still moving, we’re still not calling it a commitment.

I realized what I wanted most was that he wasn’t just going to walk out and never look back. That I mean something to him, that we have something together, even if we can’t truely be together.

I don’t know what the future holds for us, and in some small part of the back of my mind, yes - it concerns me. But even with that small bit of doubt I know that no matter what happens with us - it will be ok. If we stay in touch and talk and share and we survive the time and the distance, then that is awesome. If not… well - not so awesome but maybe for the best.

He might love me or he might not, but I do know that he cares. When we first got together, I never imagined that I would fall in love with him - I didn’t really believe I had the capacity for it. At this point, I don’t imagine that I could stop loving him, much less meet or love someone else.

I guess it’s just one of the many unknowns in life that I’ll have to deal with.