Subtle Glow

Things came to a head here a couple nights ago. After a day spent with the kiddo and I, my friend had a few constructive pointers on how I can be a better parent.

I warned her at the beginning - I don’t know if this is a good conversation for us to have. At which point we continued with the conversation, for a few hours.

I’m just going to get this out of the way: She has no children of her own.

She provided shelter and a safe haven for two children that she has known since they were very young. The parents have some problems and the father is no longer around; the mother is in and out of rehab.

So on and off for a few years, she has taken the kids in for different periods of time. Sometimes just a weekend, sometimes a month or more. Last year the kids came to stay with her and her husband and they started the process of becoming licensced foster parents with the intent to adopt the children if/when the mother finally lost her parental rights.

Except, I guess things were really hard with these kids. From her descriptions of what was happening, they were just acting out as one might expect them to do given that they have had a rough past and that they are children (the oldest is 8, the youngest is 4).

Eventually, the home day care ran by a friend of hers requested that she find a new day care for the children, as their behavior was beyond what she could handle.

Instead, her and her husband decided the children needed to go to a new foster home.

As time went by, the day grew nearer to when the day care would end… so she went with the first foster family offered up.

Yet they never told the kids they were going to a new home… until the morning before they packed everything up and sent them to live with the new family.

Now, she laments the fact that she “lost” the children, which she also refers to as “her” children.

So. Given all of that, I find it extremely insulting that she can spend all of ONE day with my child and me and want to offer up the miraculous solutions to all my parenting problems. That she just knows I could be such a better parent - if only I’d try a little harder.

And that she is offended that I don’t regard her as a mother.

I told her, I don’t discount anything she did for those kids for the time that they were with her. However, when push comes to shove - it’s not an option for me to find a new family. No matter what the behavior, no matter what the day care situation, no matter what. Her and I are different, it’s just the way it is.

“So please, don’t try to pretend that you didn’t have a choice. You took the first out you had and now you act like it was this tragedy that had befallen you.”

I let her have it. I told her I was tired of seeing her parade around acting all dramatic, and woe unto her for all these bad things just “keep happening” to her.

“The truth is: You bring it all on yourself. You rip your life apart and bemoan that it’s falling apart around you. Cut the bullshit - enough is enough. Start taking responsibility for your actions and owning the REALITY rather than the bullshit. You might have a chance for things to improve.”

Surprisingly *sarcasm* she didn’t want to hear it. She packed everything up and stormed out of the house. At around midnight. With no car and no where to go and no way to get there.

“Great - run away! You’re quite good at THAT. In fact, isn’t that how you ended up HERE in the first place? You had a fight with your husband and you stormed off. When are you going to stop running?”

Half an hour later - she comes back. Asks for a phone book. To call a cab. That will take 45 minutes to get to a nearby restaurant (which is closed). Where she plans to stand and wait.

Forty-five minutes later - she calls. The cab will take another 30 minutes. Can she please stay at my house tonight (as if I were the one who asked her to leave…) and would I drop her off at her family’s house on my way to the barbecue in the morning? Yes, of course. Please lock the door behind you when you get in.

I went to bed. Woke up and dropped her off. Without speaking other than to ask for directions on where to drop her.

I don’t really know yet what will happen. I’m still too angry with her to speak to her right now.

What I do know is this: I have a New Rule.

New Rule: I am no longer taking unsolicited parenting advice from anyone who is not a parent. I’ll raise my child as I see fit, thank you very much. Furthermore, if I need parenting help, I will seek guidance from individuals that I deem appropriate. Be advised: If you are not a parent and give your unsolicited advice - it will likely be met with what you may consider to be a rude response. And you may be a little sore from having me ram that advice up your ass. You have been warned.

Sorry to disappoint you if you came to this page looking for The Weepies. You might try this place… because I know he’s got some goods for ya.

No, this post is about something else. You can read all about her here.

The thing is… things are not well in her marriage-land. And I, well I am having a hard time knowing what is the right thing to do.

Last Tuesday, I got a call from her that she was at the end of her rope and needed to escape. She was about half an hour away from getting in her car and driving 12 hours to get here. We talked for awhile, I told her if she needed to come down she could. She decided to cash in some of her miles to get a free ticket - a much better option than a 12-hour drive. Her husband gave her a bit of flack over it, at which point I told her it’s probably better if she doesn’t come down after all.

About an hour later, she called and said she was booking the flight and would be here tomorrow (Wednesday).

It’s really hard for me because I understand that her marriage is not all she wanted it to be, however, I don’t think what she’s doing is going to help that AT ALL. She’s not a complete dummy - she knows this as well.

Last night, after she got in and we finally got settled at the house, I had to tell her some things that have been on my mind since the affair began. Things like, she needs to decide whether or not she wants to be married anymore. At which point I could support her 100%. But right now? I support her 0% when it comes to continuing this way.

You can’t have it both ways. If you can’t decide, then you need to let your husband in on it and have HIM decide.

It’s so easy to be on the outside looking in on the situation. The choices are clear, it’s a matter of making up your mind, and being resolved once you make a decision to stand by it, and follow through on it. Because that one decision cuts a clear path for you in your future, every decision that follows will either keep you on track or not… it’s a matter of keeping your goal in mind (whether it’s to save your marriage or admit you want to move on from it) and moving toward the goal.

Hopefully, for the two weeks that she is here, she will be able to use the time to really get a grip on what it is she plans to do when she goes home.

My fucking head hurts.

I am having violent urges right now. This is absolutely disgusting.

Quote:

A man found guilty of sexually assaulting a child has been given 10 years of probation by a judge who said the man was too small to survive prison.

Too small? TOO SMALL?!!

What the ever loving fuck does that have anything to do with it? Are you kidding me?!

He will be electronically monitored the first four months of his probation, and he was told to never be alone with someone under age 18 or date or live with a woman whose children were under 18. Cecava also ordered Thompson to get rid of his pornography.

Oh. Well. I mean - as long as he was TOLD. It’s a good thing he was told not to be around minors! Phew. Get rid of your porn! Yeah… because THAT’S the problem.

But, they told him not to do it again. So you know, it’s all ok. Not like the fact that the LAW already pretty much TELLS you not to have sex with children in the FIRST PLACE.

Because he’s too small.

A little book that Kiddo put his heart and soul into making for me for mother’s day. He kept his backpack “hidden” in the garage all weekend until the big day.

Enjoy. I certainly did.

If he remembers my exact age when he’s only 7, what are the chances I can trick him into thinking I’m younger as he gets older? prolly not so much.

I asked him what this meant. He said it was from when we made personal pizzas one night. I told him his looked really good and teased him that I would eat it all up. I might have also taken a little bite of his.

One of my favorite pages.

I’m not sure how to interpret this one. It feels special because I never clean? Or because I can never shut up after it’s clean, what with all the commenting “Look how NICE the house looks!” “don’t you just LOVE it when the house is clean like this?” Look, I’m not trying to make it special… I’m trying to trick him into loving to clean. Either way - my other favorite page.

The secret surprise was a foot rub.

I’m so glad I have the scanner - who knows where the book could end up, at least I have a copy online that I can keep.

I am not well travelled, and it is one of the things that I would like to change in the next few years. I could list more than twenty desired destinations - none of which I have ever been to see.

Mostly, I just want to check them out. I want to know more about other cities and cultures other than the faux-glam, materialistic, consumer society I currently know and love.

For starters, a friend and I have been talking about planning a trip to Italy. Actually, she is planning for the trip, I’m still just talking about planning for it. There is a part of me that doesn’t really believe I’ll actually be able to take the trip. The main reason: Money. I’m not good at saving, and I doubt I’ll be able to save enough to cover even the basics of the trip, let alone food/incidentals/entertainment once we’re there.

After talking with her the other night, I think I have more than just the one reason to be worried. Her and I seem to have VERY different ideas about what this trip will be. For her, she wants to stay “among the people” - meaning hostels and renting an extra bedroom from someone and the like. Shared beds, no private bathroom, etc.

I, on the other hand, want to make the most of the trip. And for me that means knowing I have a comfortable, PRIVATE place to relax and unwind after a day of walking, touring, and sightseeing. At the very least… I’d like a room with its own bathroom. I don’t think that’s unreasonable.
She wants to go for her 40th birthday, so she is very much pushing me to do things “her” way - a common habit she has that I tend to passively resist most of the time. It’s stupid, but she’s more of a control freak than I am (though I do give her credit: she’s doing a great job trying to change this), and for the most part this method works for us in our friendship.

Maybe it’s because lately I feel like she pushes back on every decision I make, concerning MY life, and tries to convince me to do it another way. You know what? I don’t care if I’m not making the “perfectly right no way it could go wrong” decision. I just want to live my life the way I see fit. Basically my point - and what it all comes down to - is that I told her she may want to find another friend to accompany her on the trip. If I make it to Italy when she does - I think it would be great to meet up and all that. But honestly, I don’t think we’re going to be in agreement on this one. I want to do it the way I imagine it - and if I can’t afford it that way (one of her arguments why we should stay in random people’s houses along the way) then I don’t want to go.

Like many of you, whenever I feel down and blue, I shop!  I bought myself a little something shiny and pretty:

And then I bought another shiny pretty thing for myself:

Well.  I feel better.

Just one last thing:

I wish a certain SOMEONE who shall go unnamed and not specifically referred to in any certain context would QUIT IT with the fucking micro-managing via email emailing obvious questions just to make sure I’m going to respond.  Mother fuck it’s annoying!

Sometimes, you just have those days where you wake up and it’s just one suck-ass thing after another.

The highlights of this morning include forgetting today was ‘Crazy Hair Day’ at school, resulting in tears, shitty attitude, and having “You’re the WORST mother in the WORLD!!” shouted at me on the way in.
In addition, traffic was crappy because a bunch of nosy fuckers had to slow down on the southbound 5 freeway and look at an accident that happened on the NORTHBOUND side.  Of course some little bitch in her Suzuki had to cut in front of me because she was too much of a jackhole to get in line to merge with the rest of us.  THAT pisses me off.

I was actually relieved to get to work, until I promptly spilled my coffee down the front of my shirt.  Of course!

The thing is, I’m just so fucking tired.  I’m tired of all of it.  I live every day worrying and stressing about everything.  Am I a decent mother?  Am I doing enough to prove my dedication at work?  Am I going to be able to find an affordable place to live in the next 6 weeks?  Am I being financially responsible enough?  Will I ever be able to buy a house?  Not unless I move out of state, but will I ever be able to do that?  Will I ever manage to plan something for two or three years from now and not find myself two or three years from now extending the deadline for two or three years after that?

And so on.

It’s constant, and the answers to the questions are often NOT what I would like them to be. I’m so tired of encouraging myself to keep at it, keep going, keep trying.  I’m fucking tired.  I just want to be ALONE.  There are times when I want nothing more than to just pack it up and leave… start over somewhere far away where I don’t know anyone.  Make the life for me and my son that I have always wanted for us.  That, honestly, we won’t have if we have to stay here.
It’s just so unlikely.  I have a child, he has a father, they have a bond.  I can’t just yank that apart because I’m restless and can’t stand being in my own skin anymore.  The truth is, I feel stuck.  I don’t want to stay; I can’t leave.  I’m stuck.

I suppose that’s the sacrifice that a decent parent makes.  Parenting isn’t always bliss, you know.  Anyone who says otherwise is full of shit.  Or at the very least, deluding themselves.  I know - I’ve done that, too.
Anyway, I don’t really think I have a point at all.  Other than the fact that I’m struggling right now.  I’m struggling with what feels like everything, and I just want to run away from it so I don’t have to deal with it anymore.  I need a vacation, some time off to feel like I’m not so pressured all the time, but I don’t know if one week or even two will do much for me.  There are times when I feel like if I’m pushed just one more inch I’m going to fucking lose my mind.  This is not living, this is - something else.  I just don’t know what to call it.

1.ONE OF YOUR SCARS, HOW DID YOU GET IT
- I have two scars below my bikini line. The first I got in 5th grade when I had appendicitis, and the other is from a c-section in 1998.

2. WHAT IS ON THE WALLS IN YOUR ROOM?
- I have one framed poster with three different scenes on it.

3. WHAT DOES YOUR CELL PHONE LOOK LIKE?
- small, silver/black flip phone with a camera lens on one end.

4. WHAT MUSIC DO YOU LIKE TO LISTEN TO?
- a little of this and a little of that, mostly pop, alternative, indie/folk as well.

5. DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME YOU WERE BORN?

- nope.

6. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW?- For my love life to be “out of limbo,” finally.

7. WHAT DO YOU MISS?

- My friends. We don’t see each other often enough.

8. WHAT IS YOUR MOST PRIZED POSSESSION?

- My car. That sounds so materialistic! But really, I bought my car after I finally landed a great new job. My former employer was awful, I struggled for years to just stay afloat at that job. So, my car reminds me how hard I worked to get to a point where every day is no longer a struggle.

9. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SMELL?

- oh, I have this lotion from Bath and Body works - Jasmine Vanilla. It smells SO. GOOD. It reminds me of really good things, too.

10. DO YOU GET CLAUSTROPHOBIC?

-Yes. I can’t even sit in the back seat of a two-door vehicle or I’ll freak out.

11. DO YOU GET SCARED OF THE DARK?

-ugh. Admitting reluctantly: Yes.

12. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE COLOGNE / PERFUME?

- Baby Rose Jeans by Versace. It’s not too strong, sort of light and smells kind of powdery.

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PIZZA TOPPING?

-Mushrooms and black olives.

14. IF YOU COULD EAT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW, WHAT WOULD IT BE?

-Does coffee count? Guess not, as you can’t really eat it. Since I’m already full, my answer won’t be that exciting: Salad and half sandwich from Croutons.

15. WHO IS THE LAST PERSON YOU MADE MAD?

- EASY. My child. hehehe

16. DO YOU SPEAK A DIFFERENT LANGUAGE?

- Yes and no. I can speak/understand Spanish to a degree, but I’m not fluent.

17. ARE YOU DOUBLE JOINTED?

- No.

18. WHAT ANNOYS YOU MOST?

- Ignorance.

19. YOUR WEAKNESSES?

- If I’m not careful, I can be a little bit controlling. I’m constantly reminding myself that it’s OK not to have total control of everything in life. Some of it stems from my own insecurities, which is another weakness and something I try to keep in check.

20. WHAT WERE YOU DOING BEFORE YOU FILLED OUT THESE QUESTIONS?

- Reading a message board, listening to the radio, and working.

It’s really going to be the same entry I have done oh-so-many times before.  Except I’m going to go ahead and do it again. Feel free to skip this one if you want.
This time, I’m really thinking I’m going to do low-carb.  Again.  I know I keep switching back and forth, except it’s not so much switching because in order to *switch* you have to be *doing something* and then (this is where the *switch* part comes in) you *do something else*.

All I ever do is TALK about doing shit.

Also I whine a bit (shutup) about the results I’m not getting from not doing something.

Told ya - same shit, different entry.

Second verse, same as the first!

Well, anyway.  I’m planning to hit the low carb deal hard and fast for the next 30 days.  Focus on high fiber, whole foods, NO STARCHES and NO refined carbohydrates - that means NOTHING processed and stocked on the pantry shelf in a box.  It starts this weekend, since I will be able to clear out any crap food from the house, and stock up on necessary food items.

I’m stockpiling recipes, menu ideas, and I already have a grocery list going.

30 days from now is when my sweetie will be here.  I’m planning to keep the days in between cheat-free, because I am really wanting some home-made strawberry shortcake.  So I’m going to plan for that and allow myself to have the shortcake.  But not now.  30 days from now.

Who knows, if I drop a quick 10 pounds between now and then - all that much better.