Mostly Bitching.
Sometimes, you just have those days where you wake up and it’s just one suck-ass thing after another.
The highlights of this morning include forgetting today was ‘Crazy Hair Day’ at school, resulting in tears, shitty attitude, and having “You’re the WORST mother in the WORLD!!” shouted at me on the way in.
In addition, traffic was crappy because a bunch of nosy fuckers had to slow down on the southbound 5 freeway and look at an accident that happened on the NORTHBOUND side. Of course some little bitch in her Suzuki had to cut in front of me because she was too much of a jackhole to get in line to merge with the rest of us. THAT pisses me off.
I was actually relieved to get to work, until I promptly spilled my coffee down the front of my shirt. Of course!
The thing is, I’m just so fucking tired. I’m tired of all of it. I live every day worrying and stressing about everything. Am I a decent mother? Am I doing enough to prove my dedication at work? Am I going to be able to find an affordable place to live in the next 6 weeks? Am I being financially responsible enough? Will I ever be able to buy a house? Not unless I move out of state, but will I ever be able to do that? Will I ever manage to plan something for two or three years from now and not find myself two or three years from now extending the deadline for two or three years after that?
And so on.
It’s constant, and the answers to the questions are often NOT what I would like them to be. I’m so tired of encouraging myself to keep at it, keep going, keep trying. I’m fucking tired. I just want to be ALONE. There are times when I want nothing more than to just pack it up and leave… start over somewhere far away where I don’t know anyone. Make the life for me and my son that I have always wanted for us. That, honestly, we won’t have if we have to stay here.
It’s just so unlikely. I have a child, he has a father, they have a bond. I can’t just yank that apart because I’m restless and can’t stand being in my own skin anymore. The truth is, I feel stuck. I don’t want to stay; I can’t leave. I’m stuck.
I suppose that’s the sacrifice that a decent parent makes. Parenting isn’t always bliss, you know. Anyone who says otherwise is full of shit. Or at the very least, deluding themselves. I know - I’ve done that, too.
Anyway, I don’t really think I have a point at all. Other than the fact that I’m struggling right now. I’m struggling with what feels like everything, and I just want to run away from it so I don’t have to deal with it anymore. I need a vacation, some time off to feel like I’m not so pressured all the time, but I don’t know if one week or even two will do much for me. There are times when I feel like if I’m pushed just one more inch I’m going to fucking lose my mind. This is not living, this is - something else. I just don’t know what to call it.
