Subtle Glow

I went looking through my archives, because I knew I wrote something about the impending doom and dismay I sense looming in the year 2006. Here is what I wrote then:

I had a really good feeling about 2005 coming in to it. I wish I could say the same for 2006, but for reasons I don’t know yet - I just can’t.

I had a pretty good idea of certain things that would be problematic that year. Namely, I was scheduled to move at some point. Also, someone very special to me was going to move out of state. I knew both of those things were going to be hard enough to deal with and get sorted out.

I just had no idea how much more 2006 had in store for us all. Sure, some good things happened - some really good things even. But overall it was a shit year.

True to form, the year seems intent on going out the same way it rolled in. Last Sunday, as you know, was Christmas Eve. It was also the morning I woke up and realized my computer was dead. Dead to the world, when only six hours earlier it was Just Fine.

I had it back up and running on Tuesday, and threw in a few new bells and whistles to go with the fancy new power supply it required before it could be revived. So far so good.

Wednesday, the wind came roaring through town. Cold, chilly wind that rattled the window panes and shook the doors is if trying to wrench them open. I think it was also the cause for my internet connection to continually drop. Not a big deal - except I was trying to work from home, and that silly little connection was the one thing to mess with that. The lights were all on but no connection could be found.

Earlier today I had a whole document full of notes that I was tracking over the course of several phone calls and emails. I promptly deleted the entire thing before ever saving a single draft of it. Yes, I blame technology for that, and I blame 2006 for it, too.

I am looking forward to 2007. I don’t see it being quite as eventful as 2005, but more importantly I get the sense it won’t be as awful as 2006. The word that stands out the most when I think of the coming year is “Relief.” I think we are all going to take our collective sighs of relief that what seemed to be one hit after another this year has finally ceased. I don’t get the sense of anything very remarkable - good or bad - happening. If anything, I sense it to be a year of peace and content - where many of the struggles and aggravations of 2006 will be sorted out and settled one way or the other.

I’ve said before that I don’t make resolutions for the new year. I don’t plan on changing that this year. I do want to try this, though, because it looks fun and if I can stick with it I think it will be interesting to see it develop over time. That isn’t a resolution so much as an idea. Some of my goals from last year were accomplished, and others weren’t - due to lack of interest or resources, or shifting priorities. I have goals for 2007 as well, but they are rather light in terms of goals - at least the tangible kind that I’ve held in the past.

I think 2007 will be a good year for me to just Be. Be here. Be open. Be kind. Be daring. Be satisfied. Be less rigid. Be less controlled, and also less controlling. Be more relaxed. Be less anxious. Be willing to try.

It’s not that I don’t want to Be Me. It’s that it’s time for me to let go of some of the things I’ve used to define myself, for so long. Those things no longer serve as protection for me anymore. Instead they have become the chains that keep me rooted and stubbornly clinging to one spot.

I have come to realize that this is why I haven’t stopped pushing myself forward all the time, to the point of exhaustion and often unnecessarily. I have inhibited myself so much that any forward movement is not done with ease but rather with force. Maybe I should subtitle my theme for the year as “Never say No.” At the very least it would make it interesting, don’t you think?

I think the last time I sat down to watch tv was two weeks ago.  Most of the shows I watch are on hiatus, and work has been so busy that I’ve been logged on from home working during prime time.  Not to mention that whole holiday shindig we just had.  By the time I flick on the tv these days I’m treated to the late night rerun of Sex and the City, or Letterman (also reruns).

Imagine my shock - it’s almost 4pm PST on Tuesday, December 26th.  I *just now* found out that James Brown died yesterday.  Also, earthquakes. in Thailand.  At Christmas.  Again - this time with tsunami warnings…  that did not actually surface but still.

R.I.P. James.
Or, you know - get HOT! in the HOT TUB!

After yesterday’s entry things seemed to improve.  I went to the store, where I was sure I wouldn’t find anything I needed, so surprise surprise! when I found everything and then some.  Then, the lines were not long at all.  Not to mention getting in and out of the parking lot was not met with anyone cutting me off anything.  I put off going all day long, and the whole thing only took 25 minutes of my life.  Amazing.

I went to the party last night, and it was not awful.  The host and hostess had a lovely home and the cutest little yard that wrapped all the way around.  Since the house was small, most of the festivities took place outside.  Other than it being a brisk 50 degrees, which to those of us here in Southern California refer to as “OH, it is FREEZING out here!” it was still a good time.  They set up little heaters around the outside, and as the night wore on we all tended to gather around a heater to get warm.  Our group had a rotation going, so everyone got a turn to stand closest to the heater.  I had never met most of the people there, so it was interesting and great for people-watching.  I wish I had brought my camera…  but then I don’t have my computer up and running to transfer the pictures off the camera right now, so I guess it doesn’t matter so much.

Today definitely feels better than yesterday.  I slept in, and now I’m all showered and dressed and ready to bake the pies.  Kiddo should be home at some point, so we can finally open presents.  I want pictures of that, too - so I had better go get myself more presentable for photos and all that (otherwise I will just end up deleting them.  I can’t help it).

I hope everyone is having a wonderful day today.

…was not allowed to settle here this year.

It’s not from stress of too much to do and not enough time to do it.  I’m just not that into it this year.

To top it all off, I woke up this morning and my computer was dead.  My otherwise perfectly functioning computer as of last night (or shall I say this morning at 1am) when I left it, was dead.  I am hoping it is just the power supply.  It’s supposed to be an easy and relatively inexpensive fix, but I still won’t be able to have it fixed before Tuesday, because of Christmas.
Kiddo is at his dad’s for the night - he woke up jittery with excitement.  At 5 AM this morning.  I was not so jittery, or excited, to say the least.  If anything I was counting down the minutes until he could go and I would be alone.  Not because I don’t love him dearly and want to spend time with him, but because I am in such a funk or mood or whatever that I worry if he were here today - my crankiness would bleed out onto his holiday.  No better scrooge than one who will darken a child’s joy and excitement, right?  It is better that he is with his dad and his dad’s family.  Hopefully that will give me time to get rid of this whatever-it-is, and tomorrow I’ll feel better, and we’ll be going to my mom’s for dinner.

Speaking of which - I’m supposed to bring dessert.  Which means I need to go to the store.  To buy things.  For dessert.  At the STORE.  On Christmas Eve.  Somehow I don’t think that is joy bubbling it’s way to the surface at the thought.  We didn’t exactly settle our plans for tomorrow until last night, so it’s not like I knew ahead of time, either.  Maybe I’ll be luck and everyone has all the food stuff and they will just be crowding the Wal-Mart across the street.  Maybe, I will just go to the store tomorrow morning before Kiddo gets here…  hmmmhmmhmmmmm.

Maybe I will just go online and order a new laptop.  Ack.  NO.  Not yet, anyway.  I’ve been toying with the idea of getting one for a while now.  Ideally I would be waiting until after the new year… closer to my birthday would be better.  But with my computer down and only my work laptop to use as backup it’s very (VERY) tempting.  A good point made was that I still need to get to a lot of the stuff on that computer, so I’m going to have to deal with it sooner or later anyway.  Might as well get that settled before I get the new one.

Ok, must get to the store.  I’m supposed to go to a party later tonight - I really don’t want to but I’m thinking maybe I should, rather than sit here and mope about.  I’m hoping it will help lift my mood, but at the same time I’m worried I’ll be the one they wished they left at home to mope.

Monday? It is not a good day for it to be a Monday. You know what I mean. Today needs to be Saturday, I have decided.

I did not sleep well, and also there is a very naggy scratchy tickle in the back of my throat, combined with the not sleeping well and the Pressing Thoughts that are on my mind I am kind of a total loss when it comes to concentration today. Sad, because if there’s one thing I definitely need today - it is my concentration.

I went to see ‘The Holiday’ with a friend yesterday. I thought it was cute, although somewhat contrived at points. But it was chick-flicky and so of course the few requisite stray tears were oh so casually brushed away and each of us dutifully ignored by the other party’s oh so casual brushings away - as is The Protocol when going to chick-flicky movies. Trust me - I have been to a movie with a friend who is annoyingly unaware of The Protocol and makes pointed glances as she strains her eyes in the dark to see if you are in fact wiping away a tear or two.

As a final point on that note - it ruins the movie, so do your friends a favor and take note of The Protocol already. Seriously, stop fucking looking at me already.

Anyhow, the movie was cute and entertaining. I don’t know why but I am slightly annoyed by Cameron Diaz, but even I had to admit that I REALLY liked her haircut. So you know, sometimes you can be won over, despite your best efforts.

You should also know that if you haven’t seen Stranger than Fiction it is nearly gone from most theaters so catch it now before you have to wait for the DVD (you know, like next week). This was actually our first choice in movies but since my friend’s husband also wanted to see it, we opted not to go without him. I’ll probably just wait for the DVD.

With that, I have lost my concentration for where this is going and it’s quickly dissolving into general rambling. Unless you want me to go in to how much I like the movie Love Actually and how I’m surprised I don’t own the DVD and wonder if I even put it on my amazon wishlist I think I’ll just put in a period and be done now.

And that’s just putting it mildly.

A really close friend of mine is the first in our small circle to tell us about her ongoing scare with a Lump in Her Breast.  At this point it is the the very early discovery stages, but I know she is worried, and I know her husband is worried, and I know they have a little girl who is younger than Kiddo that they are trying to Hide All the Worry from.

We’re hoping it’s just A Scare, the kind that is still scary but in the end No Big Deal, and also a Pain in the Boob, but other than that Nothing To See Here.  Because, you know, we totally love her and her boobs and none of us want to change, ok?  OK CANCER?  Do you hear me?  OK THEN.

I posted a message to her today saying I hope the results of today’s biopsy will be “good news” and she posted back that good news at this point means another biopsy but hey I guess that’s better than cancer, right?

So I posted back UH YEAH that would be better, let’s have some of that, where can I get in line for that please right now ok.

(I don’t know why, but I feel the need to explain that a long time ago we all decided to open a private forum for all of us rather than wading through a bunch of emails from each other… so that’s where the she posted/I posted stuff comes in.  Probably not relevant, but Hello my friend might have breast cancer, but only Maybe, and we hope not but Still!)

I realized as I wrote out my reply to her that you know what?  Cancer isn’t something that you can just shake a stick at and make it go away.  It’s not something you can ignore without consequence.  And as I left my response to her where I asked to please order me a side of Yes I will take anything but cancer, thank you! I realized that the shitty part is that you really can’t just “throw money at the problem” and have it go away.  At least not directly, in a “I’ll have medium fries and a chocolate shake with that” kind of way.
Sure, I know there are foundations that exist solely to raise money for research that they hope will ultimately find a cure.  I know because ironically this same friend just completed a 3-day, 60-mile walk to support them in their cause.  Less than a month ago.
Are you listening Cancer?  She just walked 60 miles in three days and got 14 blisters on her feet so she could help stomp your sorry ass out - and this is the thanks you give?  The scare alone is enough, even if it turns out to be nothing more than just a lump.  The scare is because of YOU, Cancer.  You and your menace.

You can’t just throw money at the problem, at the possible diagnosis or the fallout from that, and make it go away.  As her friend, I can only stand by and wait, and hope for the best and to worry, and pretend that everything will be Fine, and to ignore that nagging doubt about What If? Because it’s not time for that yet, because I can’t imagine such a thing, because I refuse to give it the thought required until it’s real.

In the meantime I stand by my title sentiment.

I was thinking a lot over the weekend about how different I probably am in every day life than what it would seem from just reading here.

My entries give such a small disjointed picture of who I am. I suppose if I wrote more regularly that would be less so, but still. For instance, the last entry may lead you to believe I’m all worry and despondency and bleh, but I’m not. It helped to put it out there, get it out of my head for awhile.

I’m actually in a really good place these days. Better than in a long time. I suppose some of my worry and bleh that came pouring out in the last post was due to the fear that good things can’t last, and poof! it might go away soon.

Maybe I should make a point to write every day - something or anything or just hello. My days are consumed with work, and that is supposed to be the one thing not to write about. I wonder if you can get into trouble by writing about work when you really pretty much totally love your job. Because, seriously. I am so glad I made the move to the new job - and that is NOT just because of the commute, HA! But I’m sure there must be some sort of tidbits I can share, besides the Very Heavy Emotional Stuff.

So I’ll tell you all about how a few weeks ago I went out with a girlfriend and met this guy. We exchanged numbers. He called to go out, I had plans already. He made it known he was disappointed by that, I was annoyed by his making that known. He pressed to make other plans “as soon as possible.” I was annoyed by this as well. I reluctantly made tentative plans for three days later. I drove home from work the night before, knowing I had agreed to call to confirm for lunch the next day, and found my mood was not so much excited about the prospect of a “date” but more and more agitated and irritable.

I guess you could say my heart, my head, or anything else of mine for that matter, wasn’t in it. I was relieved when I only reached his voicemail. He called sometime after 4 p.m. the next day - and he was oh-so-sorry but work had been crazy and he meant to call me that morning blah blah blah blah.

I figured that was that, but then I think he called once after that, so I figured ok I’ll try again.  I sent him a text asking if he was free for lunch.  Back and forth, went the messaging and he would call me by 11 to let me know the specifics.  Ok, I thought, but I’m not waiting around much longer than that.

I think I got a text message from him around 3 p.m. - and he was oh-so-sorry but could we meet for a drink after work?  Uhhh, No.
Seriously.  Why would I make plans with this guy?  Maybe I just like things too planned out but holy crap, not to mention I wasn’t all that interested to begin with but seriously.  He can’t return a phone call or even a text message within a reasonable time frame - why in the hell would I spend my time waiting around to see if he would show up? Also - what would that have said about me?  Oh hey, no worries - my time is of no value so I can afford to spend it waiting for you to have the courtesy to call when you’re not on time, or, I don’t know - show up, even?

No thanks.

The girlfriend I went out with that night has dating/finding a boyfriend ranked as #1 on her list of priorities.  After thinking about it, I realized that for me it’s not even in the top 5.  Imagine what a sparkling conversation THAT makes on a first date.  Oh, well.

I’m not looking forward to New Year’s. Or January, February, and March. Can I just disappear until April please? Oh, actually no - make that May. I have a small window in May but then June is out as well, and then I think September of next year will be good. But other than that…

I keep thinking about the past year and honestly, I’m glad the end of it is not far off. I’ve tried to ignore it, and if you were to ask me to my face I would lie and say I haven’t thought about it at all. I’ve tried to convince myself that I don’t know the exact date of this, that or the other, and then when those dates come around marking one year since then I won’t notice. But, it’s a lie. It’s a total lie.

It’s just that I’m nervous, I guess. You know how you go through a rough time, and then things get better and you think - hey, wow that sucked but phew - I got through it. You thought it would be harder than that, or take more time, or something but also you’re glad to be Moving Along in Life.

Then, a few months later you start to wonder if it was really going to be that easy. If you were truly Moving Along or just fucking kidding yourself, you don’t know which and you kind of suspect you’re being too hard on yourself, as always, or probably you should talk to someone about it. So they can assure you that it’s all ok and of course you’ll have that from time to time but they can say for sure that you are Moving Along. But you don’t say anything. To anyone.

Instead, you shove it to the back of your mind, try to shut it in a closet behind some other storage boxes of stuff you’ve long forgotten. Only that closet it a little bit full already, and the door won’t shut all the way. So then you’re in the bakery at the grocery store and they have these cookies and it makes you think of that other night, months ago, and has it really been that long already. You were hiding it all then, too. How were they supposed to know when you hide it all from anyone who might care to listen? Because you think no one should have to listen.

But that was almost a year ago. How could it have been that long? How is it almost Christmas again already? How can things be normal again already. I was so ready for normal, just to be “through this” that I don’t know when I’m pretending and when I’m not. I didn’t know when I started this that I had some much going on in my mind over it. The dam is breaking the thoughts are flooding and it’s too late to stop them and push them back in anymore and I want to. I want to put them away and be done with them. You know? Well, that’s where I’m at right now.

I don’t want to talk about it with anyone at this point, because you know it’s probably just a blip and maybe that blip will randomly show up from time to time, out of nowhere like that. And like any blip it will fade away, too. It’s not something I want to deal with at this point. I have enough to do, other things to think about, better ways to spend my time. Let it go…

Oh, hi. Sorry - were you here to read something? Because I just thought it was all about the new template. Isn’t it pretty? Yeah, I come here and see my pretty template and then I feel happy and I go do something else (like play toontown, or shop, or slink past the kitchen where the last bits of Thanksgiving dishes are STILL sitting in the sink because I’m too lazy to unload the dishwasher and reload it. Toontown anyone?) and before I know it I’m like, hey I haven’t blogged in awhile. It’s ok. I didn’t really have much worth blogging about (as if this paragraph didn’t already illustrate that). I feel the need to state the obvious from time to time.

The holiday shopping… is 90% done. For the 10% not yet done, I know what I need and it’s something I can pick up on a lunch hour this week. Or buy online.

Also. Why do I have such a hard time shopping for guys? All the cool stuff costs eleventy billion dollars, which leaves… ?? I don’t know what else. In particular, my mom’s husband is impossible to buy for.

EVERY. YEAR. I go through the same dilemma with him - even though I try to look for clues and ideas all year long. I think if there’s one thing that can ruin my anticipation of shopping/gifting, it’s the time I spend trying to find a gift for him - after I have asked him and my mom (separately) multiple times what he would like or what they suggest. He has enough to get himself what he wants, when he wants it. In the event it’s something he has to save up for - he can do that way before I can. I’ve tried instituting a rule that he can’t buy for himself between Thanksgiving and Christmas but I’ve never found the magical way of enforcing it. Last year I was on a mad streak to get myself a bunch of new pajamas. I got him some pajamas, too. He liked them, I guess. But two years in a row? No (but next year for sure, HAHA).

I thought about getting him a cool gadget for his ipod, but he’s got them all - and then some. Bluetooth thingy for his phone? Nope, he bought the sunglasses for that. Part of me thinks I should find something more personal than a gift certificate but then again - I like getting gift certificates and I imagine he’d rather have the option of using it to buy what he wants anyway. Basically I just drive myself crazy year after year trying to avoid getting him a gift certificate but do it in the end - other than last year when I was all, “Pajamas are the awesomest thing ever and you’re getting them, too!”

I called my mom to ask her about it. She said she didn’t know but hey - he really liked the pajamas from last year! Oh. hmmmm.

I bought myself something nice… although I’m really thinking I should just take it back. It’s more than I had planned on spending on my own present, even though it’s the one thing I wanted on my list this year. I can’t find a link to it online or I’d show you. I bought it at Costco and they don’t have it on their website. Apparently it’s like all the Costco’s. They have some overlap but they don’t all have the exact same merchandise - including their online store.

Now I have this present, all wrapped up pretty hiding in the closet with some other stuff to put out for Christmas morning, and I’m thinking about it and the new phone I’m going to get myself in a couple weeks and I just think that even though I can afford both: That still seems like a lot. Maybe I’ll be lucky and get a really good deal on the phone. I suppose if I don’t, I can always take the other present back and just go with the new phone. Honestly though… how likely is that? Uh huh.

I guess I just have to fact the fact that I am spoiled. Yep, that would be me. Then again - who’s doing the spoiling? And who earned the means with which to do the spoiling?

That would also be me.