Subtle Glow

This past week I spent out of town fumbling around in Oregon on business. I’m glad to be home, but the trip was not without its adventures of course.

The adventure probably began with me, a rental car, and not the first CLUE about how to get anywhere around town. Can I tell you know how much I puffy-heart google maps, and the navigation feature on my cell phone? *Love*
Know what else I love? Beer.

Even better: Free Beer.

The free beer was granted after another passenger in my row of seats totally vomited all over himself about 10 minutes after take-off.

The flight home was more than two hours. I should say the FULLY booked flight home…

Sucked for us, but really sucked more for him. He slept the rest of the way home. If he had the pukey flu I will not be so sympathetic toward him.

So, yes - free beer for the remainder of the flight.

While I was away, I drew the curtains on another area of my life. I have seen it coming for a long time, but then reading over that previous entry makes me realize just how long. Part of me didn’t want to acknowledge or deal with what I already knew, and part of me wanted to be proven wrong about all of it.

In the end I drew the line in the sand: You can have all of me, or none of me. I won’t do the in-between any more.

It does no good to try to keep going over it - to try to make sense or gain some understanding of some of it. Like the fact that the mere thought of even considering us together is somehow such a huge sacrifice. It’s not a sacrifice - I mean at this point it’s just a suggestion. If there was a sacrifice to be made (and that is a big IF to me) then later would be the time to do that. Later, as in NOT NOW. Hello? Are you still stuck on the possible “what-if” sacrifice that we don’t even know exists?

I do have SOME self-respect and common sense. I’m not going to try and beat anyone over the head just to feel like they want to be with me. I never asked much - just for you to come to me willingly and whole-heartedly. If you wanted it, that would be easy to do, right?

So there ya go.

For the most part I’m doing ‘ok’ because as hard as it has been these past few days, I know it was the right thing to do. Why does “the right thing to do” have to be so damn hard?

I have no idea how to go about moving on from here. Part of me wants to jump right out there and try distract myself as much as possible. Dating? Yeahnothanks. I was thinking more along the lines of taking my gym membership off hold and spending a few nights there per week. It’s a little out of the way from where I live now, but I can think of worse distractions.

Suggestions?

Taskbar Shuffle - (via Lifehacker)

I am compulsive about the order of my taskbar applications; if I am at work I *must* have Outlook as the very first taskbar item (I don’t use Outlook at home). Sometimes my system will glitch and Outlook moves to some other spot on the taskbar, which means I have to shut down ALL my open programs and then re-open everything so it’s in the right spot.

Can you say obsessive? Yep!

I just installed this thing today and I will never have to worry about that little glitch anymore. It might be concerning if I shared the level of relief and joy this brings to me. I think I’ll just keep those details to myself.

But I definitely wanted to share the link (at the top of this entry, in red). Enjoy…

Over the weekend my brother’s phone rang. It was around midnight, so without even looking it was obvious who was calling.

Except, she didn’t know she called. Or she did, but was playing some head game. Or, one of her “friends” did it - again to play stupid head games.

My brother declined my suggestion to turn on the speaker so we could all hear what she had to say, but went outside and listened for a bit. When he came back, he said he would not repeat what she said, but basically she was talking about him (my brother) to some other guy.

Later, his phone sat on the table next to me, and I gave in to my immature impulse and sent her a text message.

Next time you want to talk shit, you should check your phone. You never know who is listening.

Because, yes, I am 12 and still in middle school.

The next morning he opens a conversation by saying, “So… my phone was blowing up this morning.”

…

Me: Oh really? Hmmmm. (My facial expression and tone was one of mock surprise - I had no intention of hiding or lying at all).

Him: Yes, seems she got a text message last night. Then she checked her call log.

Me: Oh, OOOPS! That’s when she realized you must have heard her talking crap about you.

Him: Yep, and she had the balls to try and make excuses about it to me this morning.

Me: You know - I wasn’t sure I would actually send it, and figured we would have a laugh about it instead. When I finished and you were still in your room… I gave in to temptation and hit ‘Send.’

I told him I figured she would call, but I was curious to know if she would change her tune when she was talking TO him rather than talking ABOUT him. Of course she did.

She called bawling and crying and wanting to know what he heard. Again he declined repeating it. She then started rattling off a bunch of things she said, much of which he did not overhear during the four to five minutes he bothered to listen.

I haven’t said much up to now - positive, negative, or otherwise - about her. But now my Big Sister Protective Instincts are on a warpath. Not to mention the Common Decency Instincts - you just don’t do that to people.

This woman-child calls him crying and telling him how much she loves him and hates that they have to be apart. Meanwhile she was bitching and complaining to her friends and family that he can’t provide for her and keep her in the lifestyle that [in her mind] she really deserves.

Are you kidding me? If you want a “5-star lifestyle” (her words) then what are YOU doing to go and get it for yourself? Since when do you need someone to provide for you instead of establishing yourself enough that you can provide for yourself? That kind of talk (from anyone, particularly a woman) makes my skin crawl. At the very least from the common sense perspective.

I cannot decide if I even want to start in on what she deserves, compared to what she thinks she deserves. This is a woman who shared her life with him, day in and day out, looked him in the face and told him she loved him, contemplated and actively made plans to marry him - at the same time telling various family members how she was leaving him.

Even within the last 24 hours, she is telling him how disappointed in how she came back from her 10-day cruise to Europe and had to worry about who was going to take care of her (drug-addicted, drug-supplying, alcoholic, co-dependent) mother because he “just wasn’t stepping up.”

Poor thing - with worries like that it is a wonder she was even able to enjoy any of her bought and paid-for completely by someone else European vacation. But then she had her pills to help cope with all that.

Ohhhhhhh, how I have the urge to wring her worthless little neck.

Do I seem bitter?

I did apologize to him for inviting MORE drama and crap by sending that text message. He accepted but said the whole situation was a good thing - yet another reminder of what and who she really is.

If I had it to do over again, I would have sent it from my phone instead. That way she could call me and try explain or excuse her bullshit. But he has her proverbial number, and he has had it for quite a while even before this.

I really ought not get involved, and honestly need to mind my own damn business. I just could not resist - because like I said I am apparently still twelve years old and in middle school. Now if you will excuse me I need to write a note to my friend before the end of this class so I can pass it to her in the hallway later.

Oncle Jason, originally uploaded by subtleglow.

Aren’t they sweet together?

Today is Friday the 13th.  Superstition indicates it is an unlucky day, but I don’t buy that any more than I think July 7 2007 was especially lucky due to all the 7s it contained.
It’s Friday… come on.  It’s ALREADY off to a good start.

Kiddo made it through his dental appointment yesterday. There was only a brief period of freak out, but after talking with the dentist and giving him a few minutes space he was able to calm himself down and get through it. He has one more appointment to get the other half done and then hopefully we can be more diligent with the daily brushing and flossing so as to avoid any more trouble in the future.

I got an extra bonus when we checked out - I got to pay $300 instead of the initial expectation of $230. Next time? I get to pay another $300! Or maybe they under-estimated the amount covered by insurance. Or maybe they over-estimated. Apparently, I just won’t know until it’s time for me to pay for it. So much for the budget, wheeee!

If you haven’t notice, it really annoys me to pay for health or dental or vision insurance coverage and then have to pay for costs related to those things. So if you need me I’ll be over here gnashing my teeth and searching through my insurance information to try and get an idea of what to expect for my “share” of costs. I guess you can say I don’t share well. Grrr.

**update**

Well, according to my benefits information, I should only have to pay 15% rather than 50%.  Which would mean I should get some of the $300 back that I already paid, rather than pay another $300.  The only thing they don’t specify is if there is any difference in coverage for different materials used for restorative treatment (as in metal fillings vs. composite).  So, I kind of know now but not really.  I do my own taxes - I should be able to figure this out, right?  Does it ever make you wonder if they make it complicated on purpose - so they can screw you without you really knowing it?  I can’t stand being so ignorant about all of this.

Kiddo has the first of two fourth of five dental appointments to have cavities filled. The first appointment was for the exam/xrays/cleaning, the second was the attempt to fill the cavities which resulted in a referral to a pediadontist, and the third was for the initial assessment from the pediadontist. Two different non-permanent teeth - two different appointments for the fillings - more than $250 out of my pocket for each of those two visits.

I’m looking at that amount and wondering how that can be… because last time I checked I do have dental insurance. I don’t even want to *think* about what orthodontia will run - because xrays have confirmed there will be some need there as well. OK let’s move on from the orthodontia right now - that is not my first concern (which is another way of saying cram that bundle of worries to the back of the bus because there are more immediate stops with more pressing worries to unload).

In the meantime, I’m hoping that Kiddo will be brave. He is so scared and nervous. The first time he tried to have his cavities filled, he freaked out as soon as he felt the effects of the gas.

Here we thought our last visit there would be the one where they filled the cavities. He was all geared up for it (we both were), being as brave as possible, only to find out that Nope! This is just another visit where they look at your teeth. We would have to come back for the fillings.

So we steeled ourselves for the still pending and inevitable day. When Kiddo mentioned that his appointment was coming up in a few days I realized that he was still keeping track - that it was still on his mind. Poor buddy, I know he will be ok but until he is done with it he won’t believe that he will be ok.

I called today to get a rough estimate of how much my portion would be and that’s when I found out there would have to be two visits. Anything else we should know? For example do you accept US dollars or do I need to exchange to another currency because probably NOW would be a good time to tell me these little details.

Poor kiddo. I am not looking forward to having to tell him this news. I am tempted to talk to him about trying to do it without the gas - because he would still be awake, but he wouldn’t feel any pain because they would still use the medicine to numb his mouth. I’ve never used the gas before, and I know some people cannot really tolerate the feeling. Any time I have had anesthesia there is always an initial sense of panic/claustrophobia for me, but I am able to talk myself through it for the few additional seconds it takes to get past that initial sensation.

I don’t know how to talk him through this. It’s not like I can have him try out the nitrous beforehand so he’ll know what it’s like:

Hey Kiddo - have you ever heard of whip-its?! Don’t worry - it’s just like going to the dentist!

Can you imagine the headlines? Better yet - the teenage years?

I know I’m nervous about it and he is picking up on that nervousness - even though I’m trying to hide it and appear calm and collected. I’m not really one to get hysterical or outwardly emotional about his illnesses or injuries. Instead I get very quiet and force myself to stay (or at least appear) calm so I can think rationally. It is only later that I can break down, when I have let the pressure build up (and when I am alone - because for some reason it’s BAD to be seen as weak. Yes - I have issues. Anyway).

I hope (HOPE! with all my heart) that the actual filling process turns out to be nothing compared to all this build up and anticipation of it. I have to think by now - with all this waiting and rescheduling - it has to be.

OK!

After a week or so off on vacation, I can tell you it was absolutely fantastic. My friend and lone commenter below was right: No eye infections to be had. It was just allergies! Who knew allergies could be such a welcome affliction. heh.

Prior to the vacation, we had some BIG PLANS for various local attractions. Our itinerary involved places like Sea World, and the zoo, and maybe even Disneyland (until Kiddo gave me the “oh, yes let’s please go there so I can fret about every attraction in case you have tried to trick me into going on *gasp* a roller coaster - because the last time we went, I did not go on a roller coaster AND you never tried to trick me BUT! You just never know, you might try it anyway.”). So we nixed Disneyland pretty quick. But we also wanted to go see some museums, and go ice skating, and ride go-karts, and see movies, and barbecue, and also go to the county fair.

BIG PLANS, obviously.

In the end, we did quite a bit but our events were decidedly less aggressive. The county fair, the arcade (go-karts, etc.), ice skating (Kiddo took one semi-serious header onto the ice, but refused to leave until he had a few more turns around the rink), movies (transformers movie: not as geeked-out as I thought it would be and therefore actually quite enjoyable), and museums (two days’s worth! We are now Cultured. Ha.).

I only had one minor hissy fit but at least I waited until I was alone before I went full-scale temper tantrum. Then I bought some new yoga DVDs. I actually opened them and did them, too! But before that I actually sat down and had an adult conversation regarding the source of my hissy fit. Progress, people!

Work is so much quieter. I have returned at the start of a new phase here, and the relaxed environment is a welcome one. Hope everyone is having a great start to their week.