Subtle Glow

There was a vast period of time in my life where not only was I a bitch, but I prided myself on that fact. I thought that being a bitch was something to smirk about, and I was glad when people told me what a bitch I was.

I’m sure you can guess why. The usual: insecure with myself, afraid no one would like me anyway, yadda yadda, beat them to the punch and then be glad when my genious plan worked.

Actually the truth is: I got fat. You know it is for us portly girls - what with our “great personalities” and all.

So how did that work out for me?

It’s not really so much that it didn’t work out for me… it’s more that I spent some time on my own (like, a LOT of time: a lot a lot a LOT) and I realized that there would be people who didn’t like me and there would people who did. I still struggle with the idea that I’ll never be perfect and to try to spend my time acheiving that is not only a waste of time but really fucking annoying to most people, including me.

This site is just me. My thoughts - random stupid jabbering thoughts that circle my brain from time to time. Things I don’t have the courage to talk about with my girlfriends - I write about them here first before I attempt to blather on incoherently to them. This is where I go to work out the things in my head when I can’t find the words to say. Where I admit the awful thoughts that float through my head sometimes. This things I like and dislike about myself, as well as the world I live in.

That means that often times my entries will be dis-jointed and ultimately serve no purpose. Often there will be absolutely no discernable point to the entry - other than my own need to write about it for whatever reason. Sometimes it’s all ‘wah, wah, wah’ even though that’s not my reality on a day to day basis, it’s just what happens to come pouring out of my fingers at the time I decided to make an entry. Sometimes I just like to ramble.
Feel free to comment. I am so happy when people comment, and I make a point to respond to all comments. I can’t make up my mind if I should respond to comments IN the comments, as part of the original or in my own comment response, or if I should do it through email. It’s all a mixture. What I’m saying is if you see that people comment and you don’t see my response it’s probably because I responded through email. I’m not clear on the etiquette yet, and what I have found is that there seems to be no concensus. See? With the rambling? Right.
Mostly it’s just my place where I’m learning to like myself for who and what I am.

I write under the name Lil, not because it’s my real name, but rather a shortened version of ‘Lily’ which is also not my real name. Star gazer lilies are my favorite flower, and while I like my real name it’s not pronounced the way it is spelled. I always wonder if people are distracted by the fact that they aren’t sure how to say my name when they read it, so to make things simple I just go by Lil, or sometimes Lily.

Also because I think it’s pretty. And because I wouldn’t want current or prospective employers or certain other people to be able to easily pull me up on a search engine somewhere.