Subtle Glow

I am hoping that today goes better than yesterday. While clearing dinner dishes at the end of the day, I had a eyelid twitch or forty-billion. It was that kind of day.

The kind of day when technology tries to kill you, by making you want to die. It does this by crapping out. Things like a mysterious refusal to recognize the ethernet cable, and then refusing to find a wireless connection that is any faster than 1 MBPS.

ONE, my friends.

After I peeled my face off, I thought things would get better. Except I was very very wrong.

OH, with the HATE and IRE for the shortcut methods that have been wrought upon more technology, producing utter crap and rendering it useless to me or anyone else who had plans to use it.

Follow this with a laughable excuse for a meeting… oh let’s not get into that. In a moment of delirium (had not a drop to drink!) I signed an email to a colleague and a consultant with the following:

Bright and early tomorrow… can’t wait to see what the day will have in store! I’ll be mainlining the espresso shots - why waste time with all the sipping?

So, uhm, let’s just hope tomorrow is much, much better.

10PM PST - UPDATE:  The end of the day is here.  It was a much, much better day.  Much.

I used to track the finances for all capital equipment (any furniture, equipment, etc. that cost more than $1000, basically) at one of my former jobs. This included furniture and fixtures - including every desk/workstation/cubicle configuration.

In one division, there were easily a couple hundred employees, packed in sardine-style to these modular workstations and performing rather monotonous duties day in and day out. Not the most envious of jobs, unless you’re really in to that thing.

Still, a co-worker of mine expressed dismay when she happened to glance at a listing of their existing capital items.

“CUP holders? They get cup holders included with their workstations? Hmph. Must be nice. I can’t believe they actually bought desks with built-in cup holders. You know it had to cost more than the regular desktops, and with all the people they have in there, that really adds up. Hey ——, did you see what they have in the other building? Look at this. CUP HOLDERS!”

I’m sure to some it did seem kind of frivolous.

I had been over to that building to help the auditors verify that we really did have some of the assets listed on our books. The workstations were just large enough to allow someone to sit or stand in front of them. The top of the workstation had just enough room to hold a monitor, with a little workspace left over for any related paperwork they had.

Down underneath the “desk” was a small shelf, which held the computer. In all, they were very modest workspaces. Again, not a whole lot to be envious about.

I didn’t bother to share with her that there were no cup holders to be found. In fact, my predecessor had mis-spelled the asset description and the cup holders were actually CPU holders.

It was a shelf.

Just goes to show though, people will bitch about almost anything.

Currently thinking: “GRRR it is very hot and stuffy in here - why the fuck do they keep shutting off the air?!! ARRRRRRGH. PS - I might beat something with a heavy stick if I have to sit through another hour of this tax crap.”

I have a taste for mashed potatoes and roasted chicken and blanched, buttery green beans.

This could be due to the fact that I’ve been too distracted to have any breakfast just yet and it is nearly time for lunch.

Anyway…

I feel kind of cheated out of my weekend. Half of Saturday was spent running Kiddo around to his last flag football game and then out for pizza celebration. Kiddo’s dad was there at the game, so I tried to run over to the bank and deposit my brother’s paycheck, since there is no Bank of Nevada here in California.  Alas, the bank was oh-so-sorry but they cannot take third-party checks, even though the payee was standing right there next to me AND I was not even trying to cash the check but just put funds into my account.  No dice, but they would be more than happy to open an account for him!  Well, ok then.  Except - he did not have TWO forms of acceptable ID.  Just a driver’s license.  The pay stub would suffice, except that was back at the house.  So we ended up heading back to the game to catch the last half and then head over to the greasy-pizza-fest.

The other half of the day was spent scrubbing down both bathroom toilets and showers, laundry, and general straightening. I kept sort of waiting for my brother to see me sweaty, grubby and elbow-deep in shower cleaner and offer to help. Yeah, not so much.

I was puzzled, and trying to find a way to understand it without using “it’s a guy thing” to explain it (because I really cannot stand that especially when used as a rationalization for cluelessness). I mentioned it to my mom and she help me realize that A) I probably can just ask him to help if that’s what I want, because B) He probably doesn’t think of it as “his” house, or “his” space yet.

It’s so strange, this whole “Hi there is a whole other adult person living here now.” Somehow my brain sticks on that “Hey, how about you just ASK for help? You know - see how that works for you when you open your mouth and SAY what it is you need?” I guess there is part of me that does not want to nag (oh, GAH! how I am annoyed when I have to ask more than once or repeat myself… because of this thing I have about - yep! you guessed it - ASKING for help) so it is difficult for me to just ask.

Anyway, that was Saturday. Sunday morning was spent grocery shopping, because again - WHOLE other person in the house now and WOW, I didn’t realize how much whole people tend to eat! Typically there is no one home all day, so that makes a difference. Also - it is summer and Kiddo is now home and THAT little guy can eat just as much as a whole grown-up type person if you let him. And by “let him” I mean he will eat an entire box of granola bars or a whole bag of goldfish crackers in one sitting if you let him.  SO.  As I was saying - Sunday morning we spent a few hours grocery shopping.  No sooner did I get home and unload and put it all away, it was time to drive up to my mom’s for a barbecue and swimming and such. Once home again, it was time for the bedtime routine and settling in for the night after preparing for the workday today.
I feel cheated out of the weekend because by the time I got to sit and relax as I like to do on weekends, it was over.

My scheduled vacation time just shrank by a couple days, because there is ONE day within the first three days I am out where I really kind of need to be here.  Given that, I figured what is the point of taking the day before off, then coming in the next day, then taking the next day off.  So I’m now moving the start day back a couple days…  but who knows maybe I will get greedy and tack those back on to the other end of the vacation.

Hard to break.

Good Habits: Hard to Form.

A bad habit is staying up until after midnight on nights like tonight when you know your alarm will go off in 4 or 5 hours, and you have to be IN a meeting before 8am.

No, that’s not a bad habit.  That’s just stupidity.  Doing it repeatedly?  That’s a bad habit.

Yeah, that’s not good.

Right.  Now go to bed already, woman.

I wish I had an incentive to go to bed, if you know what I mean.  And I think you know EXACTLY what I mean.  *wink wink*

A girl can dream, I suppose.  But only if she gets her hiney in bed first.

Okay, okay!  Goodnight already.

Goodnight. or Good Morning, if you want to get technical.

Ha.  There won’t be much “Good” about any of it.  But if you’re lucky, there might be some coffee in it for you.

I’m not looking forward to New Year’s. Or January, February, and March. Can I just disappear until April please? Oh, actually no - make that May. I have a small window in May but then June is out as well, and then I think September of next year will be good. But other than that…

I keep thinking about the past year and honestly, I’m glad the end of it is not far off. I’ve tried to ignore it, and if you were to ask me to my face I would lie and say I haven’t thought about it at all. I’ve tried to convince myself that I don’t know the exact date of this, that or the other, and then when those dates come around marking one year since then I won’t notice. But, it’s a lie. It’s a total lie.

It’s just that I’m nervous, I guess. You know how you go through a rough time, and then things get better and you think - hey, wow that sucked but phew - I got through it. You thought it would be harder than that, or take more time, or something but also you’re glad to be Moving Along in Life.

Then, a few months later you start to wonder if it was really going to be that easy. If you were truly Moving Along or just fucking kidding yourself, you don’t know which and you kind of suspect you’re being too hard on yourself, as always, or probably you should talk to someone about it. So they can assure you that it’s all ok and of course you’ll have that from time to time but they can say for sure that you are Moving Along. But you don’t say anything. To anyone.

Instead, you shove it to the back of your mind, try to shut it in a closet behind some other storage boxes of stuff you’ve long forgotten. Only that closet it a little bit full already, and the door won’t shut all the way. So then you’re in the bakery at the grocery store and they have these cookies and it makes you think of that other night, months ago, and has it really been that long already. You were hiding it all then, too. How were they supposed to know when you hide it all from anyone who might care to listen? Because you think no one should have to listen.

But that was almost a year ago. How could it have been that long? How is it almost Christmas again already? How can things be normal again already. I was so ready for normal, just to be “through this” that I don’t know when I’m pretending and when I’m not. I didn’t know when I started this that I had some much going on in my mind over it. The dam is breaking the thoughts are flooding and it’s too late to stop them and push them back in anymore and I want to. I want to put them away and be done with them. You know? Well, that’s where I’m at right now.

I don’t want to talk about it with anyone at this point, because you know it’s probably just a blip and maybe that blip will randomly show up from time to time, out of nowhere like that. And like any blip it will fade away, too. It’s not something I want to deal with at this point. I have enough to do, other things to think about, better ways to spend my time. Let it go…

Judge not thy woman; the more you judge her the less you love her.

-Chinese Proverb

I mean…   I’m just saying.

I remember listening to a call on a radio talk show once, where a woman called to ask for assvice and when she mentioned she was a single mother she was interrupted so the host could clarify whether she was a single mother or a divorced mother. WTF lady - I don’t have a spouse with whom I share parenting tasks day-to-day. Does it matter if there ever was a spouse or not? Not to mention it had nothing to do with the call, and added even less to the conversation except to let me know that I probably needed to keep on flipping through radio stations.

I mean, seriously? Is that why someone needs to know?

Marital Status (choose one)

• -Single
• -Married
• -Divorced
• -Widow/ed

This question inevitably irritates me. Married or not married. After that, it’s just nosy.

Hilarious.

And this?  Also very fun.

But the first link is better.

I sometimes wonder how often my instincts are right on and how often it’s just paranoia parading as normal.  I sometimes find my instincts were right all along and then I kick myself for doubting them.

This has nothing to do with anything, or anything relevant at least.  It’s somehow found itself winding its way down around the path from brain to fingers to keys to screen.

It’s dry. I’m blinking too much.  My eyes are gritty but I don’t know if it’s from the dryness or the blinking or the tearing trying to fight the dryness.  The flu is going around.  I’m running from it, and it hasn’t caught me yet.  It kicked my kiddo in the face today, repeatedly.  In November you should be chilled without a blanket.  He’s crying, shivering hot and he doesn’t understand why.

I know what you’re going through.  I know it feels awful but I promise, here - take this, I promise it gets better.  Soon.  Just give it time.  Have a drink,  shhhh.  That’s better, yes?  Close your eyes, I’ll kiss you make it better.  I’m here, just call, I’ll be waiting for you.