Subtle Glow

Just wanted to pop in to let you know that as of today I am officially within five pounds of the wieght listed on my driver’s license. So basically my driver’s license is no longer a lie.  Not that I want to get pulled over, but let’s just say hypothetically I DID, the officer wouldn’t glance at my driver’s license and smirk.
All that despite the chewy mini sweet tarts and mini m&ms I’ve been chomping the last few days…  Get me away from the candy!!

Kiddo went trick-or-treating with his dad last night, so hopefully he won’t bring all the chocolate caramel nougat peanut butter cup wafer goodness (NAY!  BADNESS!) in to the house.

I figured one was in order, given one of my recent posts, entered here on this very site under the influence of two very small but super-powerful margaritas made by yours truly.

This is off-topic but you know how some people are born with natural talents like singing or dancing or acting or cooking?

Mine is bartending.  Seriously.  Put some adult beverage ingredients in front of me and I will make you a drink so bright and inviting and friendly and then you will be seduced and drawn in by its fabulous tasting-ness and sip by sip by sip it will KICK. YOUR. ASS.  You will have such an ass-kicking buzz that by the time you realized you’re getting your ass kicked, but when the words of protest come out of your mouth they say, “Thank you for the lovely evening of ASS KICKING drunkedness, may I have another?”

It’s the reason I really need a 3 bedroom home, instead of just two.  Currently I can only offer the cold hard and oft-peed on bathroom floor (thanks to the male child in the house).

Where was I?  Oh. Right - my weight.

Ok, so remember when I posted this?

On May 21st, I did it.  A month later, I had lost about 15 pounds or so.  Since then, I haven’t been as diligent as I should be, so I am fluttering around the same weight, up 2 pounds, down 2 pounds, but never going down farther.  I am happy to say that I’m now fitting in to some of my smaller sized clothes, so that’s good.  I haven’t really been too good about weighing and measuring, because I know I’ve been doing everything else half-assed, and don’t want to bother to document it.

So.  I do have to say the 15 pounds is great!  I’d love to take off another 30.  1/3 of the way there!

Every day I plan to get back on track… and usually about 2/3 of the way through the day I end up fucking it all up.

I really want to buckle down, starting this week, because I would like to move forward with my progress rather than backwards.

That’s pretty much that.

It’s really going to be the same entry I have done oh-so-many times before.  Except I’m going to go ahead and do it again. Feel free to skip this one if you want.
This time, I’m really thinking I’m going to do low-carb.  Again.  I know I keep switching back and forth, except it’s not so much switching because in order to *switch* you have to be *doing something* and then (this is where the *switch* part comes in) you *do something else*.

All I ever do is TALK about doing shit.

Also I whine a bit (shutup) about the results I’m not getting from not doing something.

Told ya - same shit, different entry.

Second verse, same as the first!

Well, anyway.  I’m planning to hit the low carb deal hard and fast for the next 30 days.  Focus on high fiber, whole foods, NO STARCHES and NO refined carbohydrates - that means NOTHING processed and stocked on the pantry shelf in a box.  It starts this weekend, since I will be able to clear out any crap food from the house, and stock up on necessary food items.

I’m stockpiling recipes, menu ideas, and I already have a grocery list going.

30 days from now is when my sweetie will be here.  I’m planning to keep the days in between cheat-free, because I am really wanting some home-made strawberry shortcake.  So I’m going to plan for that and allow myself to have the shortcake.  But not now.  30 days from now.

Who knows, if I drop a quick 10 pounds between now and then - all that much better.

I am SO. DANG. TIRED.

I dragged all weekend, all day at work, and now it’s not even 8 o’clock and I’m thinking I need to snuggle into bed pretty soon. *yaaaaawn*

As far as weight goes… I’ve been doing ok. My total pounds lost as of last weekend was 7.5. Eh, I’m hoping that because it’s coming off slowly that it will be leaving for good.

I’m not going to be too hard on myself at this point, though. There are other factors going on here that I think might have a direct result on what’s coming off vs. what’s not. I just have to get through this hurdle and I’ll be back on track.

I do so much better drinking my water during the day if it’s right there next to me. I took the kiddo to his soccer game on Saturday, and just the thought of having a big bottle of water and having to use a public toilet to pee 3 or 4 times is so unappealing I found myself skipping the water. By then I’m off track for the whole day, pretty much. So, that’s something else I’ll want to pay attention and work on.

I really *should* go to the gym. Really. I should get on there and move my ass as I watch the calories burned climb… 100, 200, 300, 400. After 400 I tell myself I can stop. I try to do it in 30 minutes. For the most part, I can, but on days like today I know I’ll have to crank up the intensity because I am seriously dragging.

I’ll feel better if I go. I won’t make this week look like last week, where I went on Monday and flaked the rest of the week.

If I don’t go tonight, I won’t go at all until *maybe* Saturday. Tomorrow I have plans and Friday night I have plans. If not now, when?

I am tired, I could go to bed right now. I have PMS. I ate too much today. I could go 10 feet into my living room and do yoga. I’ll still feel like I flaked.

Once I get there I know I’ll feel better. I could burn off the extra calories I ate today, and then some. I want to see scale progress on Saturday.

I’m going to get changed and then I’m going.

**UPDATE**

I went to the gym.  I worked out.  I feel so much better!

Tiny bits at a time. My total weight lost so far is 5 whole pounds. Five pounds in three weeks is, by my standards, not very impressive. But - I’d rather lose it than gain it!

I was actually surprised, because when I peeked at the scale on Wednesday (mid-week peek) I was UP a pound. I fully expected to see that pound still there on Saturday. So - happy day! when I saw it was gone.

I only made it to the gym once last week - and even though I did a great workout (burned over 400 calories!) once a week is just not going to cut it. I went again tonight, and I’ll plan to go each night this week. Three nights is my absolute bare minimum, though. This is the official week of Fat/Ugly, so there are at least two reasons to motivate me. #1 - Exercise can be a mood enhancer and I’d say that wouldn’t be a bad thing this week. #2 - If there’s the slightest chance for water retention and GAINING this week, well I think a little exercise will help curb that.

I have a few minutes (and I do mean few) while I chomp on my half sandwich and slim-fast shake.  So far things are going ok - I lost 2.5lbs last week.  That comes out to about 6% of my goal?

I did end up taking pictures last night - a thought that crossed my mind after reading Yvonne’s post over here.  I’m not ready to share the pictures yet.  Not until I get to the point where I look at them and think: “Wow - you can see a difference!”  But I really would like some pictures to show me in what will one day be referred to as The Very Bad Place to which the shape of my body shall never return.
But you know, I was doing some thinking about this whole weight loss thing and the effort we put into it in order to get results and reach our goals.  That whole effort thing?  I really think results should be proportionate to effort.  That seems like a logical and reasonable theory.

For instance.  I spent all of yesterday staring through foggy tunnel vision due to a horrible headache.  I knew I wasn’t going to be cooking dinner, so I told Kiddo he could pick wherever he wanted to go and I’d grab him some dinner.  I knew I had enough salad already prepared at home - I’d just pop some chicken on it and call it good. My intentions were to run through a drive-thru and go home to eat my salad.

Except, on the way there, I remembered that in order to drive through and bring it home - it would have to come home in the car.  The Car.  The one that still smells new, because if anyone even thinks about bringing drinks or food or GREASE I will totally threaten to cut you.

THAT car.

And so.  I faced the dilemma.  I had just told him - pick a place! I am not enforcing the crazy no-fast-food rule tonight. Dinner is YOUR CHOICE and I’m buying!  Only to realize I still don’t want my car smelling like old fries just yet.

This is where we get to the part about EFFORT.  I took him to his choice - Jack-in-the-Box. I ordered his food, and then I sat next to him and ate NOT A SINGLE FRENCH FRY while he had his dinner.  Still having the headache, too.  I even sniffed the greasy smell of fries and tried a little Pavlovian stomach lurching - trying to convince myself the smell sickened me rather than made me hungry.
Then I went home, had a salad and a lean cuisine and that was that.

So - wasn’t that a very very LARGE amount of effort?  I would say that’s at least 5 pounds worth of effort, wouldn’t you?  Yes, Mr. or Ms. Keeper of Results from all the Effort - I’m talking to YOU.  This Saturday - you and I will have some WORDS you know, if I do not see a little bit of something to WOO and HOO about. Just making sure we’re clear.

Didn’t I just get done saying I don’t make New Year’s Resolutions?

Yeah, well I don’t. Seriously. It just so happens, that Jan. 1 was on a Sunday this year. I do grocery shopping on Saturdays. Sunday is the perfect day to start making more healthy food choices, in an effort to maintain healthy eating habits. So it just worked out that way, really. All I really want to do every day is EAT HEALTHY!

ANY-way, today is day 3 and I think I’m actually going to make it to bedtime without binge eating anything. WOO! Sunday’s binge: garlic bread. Monday’s binge: popcorn. Aha - see how much better my binge of choice got in JUST ONE DAY?!

Today’s binge: NOTHING! I get to have one more snack later tonight if I feel like it. I must admit though, I was on the verge of a binge. I had just finished dinner and apparently the simple act of EATING seems to trigger a need to binge for me. I was rifling through the kitchen, trying to find the lowest calorie sweet I could find that would satisfy the urge. I had one of the kiddo’s packages of Mother’s frosted cookies in one hand, debating between that and a Skippy peanut butter fudge snack bar. Cookies: 210 calories, Snack Bar: 190.

Instead, I picked up the phone and used my mouth for talking instead of stuffing. Also a big drink of water helped, too. I got her voicemail and my message was something along the lines of: “Ok, I’m about to binge here, even though I just ate dinner and I am not hungry, I am only wanting to EAT EAT EAT so I’m just calling you now so I can hopefully avoid that. Talk to you later!”

I’m thinking from now on I will be staying on track - that it just took a couple days to settle in. In that case, I’d be happy to see a couple pounds gone by Sunday morning’s weight check.

Only now, after eating dinner and feeling full, do I realize I went in to the grocery store tonight with an empty stomach and allowed kiddo to choose all kinds of cookies and CRAP to pack in his lunches. Granted, there are crackers included in there but I really could have done way better. Lucky for me, he is the picture of a healthy, strong and well-proportioned child, who loves fruits and vegetables as well as sweets. Very Lucky for me. Honestly if he were an overweight child I would be shit out of luck when it came to trying to help him; I can’t even help myself. Yet.

I’ve been eating non-stop for like a fucking year.

In that time, I’ve gained a good 20lbs. Add that to the 20 I gained the year before and that’s pretty easy math. FAT. ASS. What’s worse is I still needed to trim off 10 to 15 back before I gained the 40.

So, what the FUCK is my problem?

I have been carb-loading. I do that when I feel panicked. I feel panicked about my weight, about my size, about my finances, about my lack of gym time.

I’m also panicked because I look around and I see friends who were always bigger than me - and they are making plans and sticking to them and the weight is sliding off. And soon *I* will be the biggest one of them, when I used to be one of the smaller ones. Meanwhile, I am gaining. And bingeing.

Again, what the FUCK is my problem?

I feel terrible because secretly I don’t want them to be more successful in their weightloss than I am. I think these thoughts and then I feel the panic rise up because they’ve already started and here I am loading up my plate with second helpings of cheese-filled ravioli smothered in pesto sauce.

I fret endlessly over making a plan vs. going on a diet and in the end I give up and tell myself I’ll worry about it “tomorrow.” And then tomorrow comes and I’m back on the worry wagon. Worry worry worry but never doing much about it, so in the end - not just worrying but also gaining!! Like a big fat fucking bonus, right?

I’m so disgusted with myself but now it’s too late - I’ve already eaten the crap - I can’t take it back now. Unless I do something SUPER like toss it back up. Gross!! I don’t want to start any of those unhealthy habits either. What is wrong with me?! I don’t understand why I think these things and as crazy as I feel about all of this I haven’t really found a way to make it stop.